The Student Room Group

Pushing away care

I don't know what to do. I am so scared. I have been depressed for ages now and nothing seems to work. Counselling for me was ok for a while, however it all fell apart. I told my counsellor that i was ok and continued throughout the year to say that I was fine and recovering. I am so deep in this lie that I cant open up to her. As a result of this grief and pain, I have been pushing away worry from friends. I can accept that they care about me, but I dont want them to worry. I hate myself for lying to them all the time but my memories scare me so much I don't want them to see them. I hate pushing them away because they worry more, so I resorted to also saying I'm fine and getting over what happened. I just want to cry all the time because I am such a bad friend and am abusing their friendship and care. I just dont want to be worried about, and retain some aspects of normality. :frown:



You're not a bad friend, I promise you.

Everyone does it, some more than others, but I know exactly where you're coming from. It comes to the point where you're not telling them because you don't want to hurt them, but deep down you know you're not doing it for them, you're doing it for yourself because you're too afraid of shattering and changing everything that you've got so used to. Same with your councillor. Everything's really scary right now because everything is unpredictable. You could wake up tomorrow feeling depressed or it could be an 'okay' day when you can get through stuff. So the predictability is the habit that you've got into of saying 'I'm fine'.. the scary thought is saying 'I'm not', because then you have to talk more, and you have to go through things that in your head don't sound explainable.

But - and this isn't intended to sound harsh - I think you've got comfortable in the depression. Not saying stuff makes it easier because it's what you know and have got used to.
Your councillor knows you're not okay, if she thought you'd truly got over it all, then she wouldn't still be seeing you. She knows that you're not okay - believe it or not she does. Unfortunately it's not quite so easy to fool the professionals as it is your friends - I learnt this the hard way! :p:
She knows you're not okay, but all she's waiting for is a time for you to say 'I'm not okay' - break that first level down and start. And that's all you have to do. I know that those 3 words are soooo hard to say because they're the start of something bigger and almost unconcievable, but it is possible to say them, and they don't have to be the hardest thing, because you're not on your own.
Once you tell someone you're not okay, start explaining things, then they can help you. And I know that sounds obvious and kind of patronising, but it's true. Right now you're having to cope with stuff on your own, and you don't have to. You've got friends who care, and councilling, and they all WANT to take on some of this. They wouldn't still be here if it wern't for the fact they want to take on some of this. And you don't even have to wait for someone to ask..
It might sound incredibly self-centred to yourself to think of just going and saying 'can I have a bit of a chat, I'm feeling down today' but honestly, any decent friend and certainly any councillor wants to hear this if it's true. Obviously, they want you to be okay, but the one thing worse than you suffering beside them would, to them, be suffering without them.

You're not being self-centred by telling people that you're feeling depressed, but these people are here because they care and they want to help you. And whatever it is you've been through, its not something you can't recover from. You're still here on this planet after X number of years when there's every chance that something could have happened to wipe you out. You're still here and you're strong enough to get through anything. Humans are stronger than they think they are.

So seriously, sorry for the rambling post.... :p: but it really is as easy as just saying something. You're not a bad friend and you're not wasting your councillor's time at all. But you owe it to yourself - you've come this far in life - to say something when you're not feeling okay. You're too important not to. And your friend know that you're too important not to, that's why they ask.. noone wants to keep on at someone, so if they don't ask, just tell them. And if they're worth their salt, they'll listen.

Seriously, I've learnt some of this stuff the hard way, and your councillor has seen it before (honest :smile: ) .. just start at the beginning - and then you're not on your own. Best of luck :smile: x
Reply 2
You're making things far worse than they need be. Excellent advice from scribble girl. Please take it. It's usually very hard to get counselling so don't waste this opportunity. As said, your counsellor knows all is not well but won't broach the subject herself while you're so fragile. The healing can start when you feel able to offload it some more.
Take care.
scribble_girl
You're not a bad friend, I promise you.

Everyone does it, some more than others, but I know exactly where you're coming from. It comes to the point where you're not telling them because you don't want to hurt them, but deep down you know you're not doing it for them, you're doing it for yourself because you're too afraid of shattering and changing everything that you've got so used to. Same with your councillor. Everything's really scary right now because everything is unpredictable. You could wake up tomorrow feeling depressed or it could be an 'okay' day when you can get through stuff. So the predictability is the habit that you've got into of saying 'I'm fine'.. the scary thought is saying 'I'm not', because then you have to talk more, and you have to go through things that in your head don't sound explainable.

But - and this isn't intended to sound harsh - I think you've got comfortable in the depression. Not saying stuff makes it easier because it's what you know and have got used to.
Your councillor knows you're not okay, if she thought you'd truly got over it all, then she wouldn't still be seeing you. She knows that you're not okay - believe it or not she does. Unfortunately it's not quite so easy to fool the professionals as it is your friends - I learnt this the hard way! :p:
She knows you're not okay, but all she's waiting for is a time for you to say 'I'm not okay' - break that first level down and start. And that's all you have to do. I know that those 3 words are soooo hard to say because they're the start of something bigger and almost unconcievable, but it is possible to say them, and they don't have to be the hardest thing, because you're not on your own.
Once you tell someone you're not okay, start explaining things, then they can help you. And I know that sounds obvious and kind of patronising, but it's true. Right now you're having to cope with stuff on your own, and you don't have to. You've got friends who care, and councilling, and they all WANT to take on some of this. They wouldn't still be here if it wern't for the fact they want to take on some of this. And you don't even have to wait for someone to ask..
It might sound incredibly self-centred to yourself to think of just going and saying 'can I have a bit of a chat, I'm feeling down today' but honestly, any decent friend and certainly any councillor wants to hear this if it's true. Obviously, they want you to be okay, but the one thing worse than you suffering beside them would, to them, be suffering without them.

You're not being self-centred by telling people that you're feeling depressed, but these people are here because they care and they want to help you. And whatever it is you've been through, its not something you can't recover from. You're still here on this planet after X number of years when there's every chance that something could have happened to wipe you out. You're still here and you're strong enough to get through anything. Humans are stronger than they think they are.

So seriously, sorry for the rambling post.... :p: but it really is as easy as just saying something. You're not a bad friend and you're not wasting your councillor's time at all. But you owe it to yourself - you've come this far in life - to say something when you're not feeling okay. You're too important not to. And your friend know that you're too important not to, that's why they ask.. noone wants to keep on at someone, so if they don't ask, just tell them. And if they're worth their salt, they'll listen.

Seriously, I've learnt some of this stuff the hard way, and your councillor has seen it before (honest :smile: ) .. just start at the beginning - and then you're not on your own. Best of luck :smile: x

Im not even going to read ALL of it, breezed thru, you obv spent a long time doing this, deserve to be repped
Kelv
Im not even going to read ALL of it, breezed thru, you obv spent a long time doing this, deserve to be repped


Definitely, good post, rep coming your way Scribble girl. :smile: OP, i can empathise with your situation an awful lot. I think you know that by saying you're ok when you're not, despite making it easier in the short term, it's just delaying your recovery. Hard as it is to admit that you're not ok, you need to in order to be able to progress. Unfortunately, to be able to come out the other side, you need to go through a lot of crap, and hard stuff to get there. It's horrible, but it's the way it is. You need to deal with the problem rather than ignoring it, even though ignoring it is a far more attractive option! The prospect of this is daunting, but it's the only way to get yourself back to normality. I also agree with scribble girl that to a certain extent, you seem to have become comfortable in your depression; it's what you know, but somewhere you also know how you once were. You may not know how to get to there, but that's where the professionals come in. Let them help you. :smile: PM me if you want to talk. :hugs:
Reply 5
it might seem scary to open up to your counsellor, probably because it is unfamiliar, and unfamiliar things are bound to be scary. the depression might suck but at least it's familiar and so in some sense it seems 'comforting'. it might feel like things are getting worse before they get better but if you take the plunge and try to open up, it will probably help in the long run.
i know how you mean about pushing away people who care about you and try to help you. i feel like i don't deserve their help, but slowly i've learned that people do genuinely care and it's ok to let them care about you. that's what friends and your counsellor are for :smile:
Reply 6
thanks for the advice guys. I am going to try and talk to my counsellor this evening when I see her. Also I opened up to my best friend today. He just gave me a long hug and promised that he would help me through everything

Thank you scribble girl for the advice. I really really appreciate it. :smile: Thank you :suith:

:hugs: to you all. thank you
:hugs: Being there sucks, but go you - well done for talking, hope it all goes well today with your councillor. Some form of chocolatey/sugary reward is in order for yoursef, methinks! Feel free to PM me whenever :smile: x