The Student Room Group

drugs in a relationship

I've been seeing this guy for about a week now and I really like him and he likes me, but he told me he does drugs most weekends, which is really freaking me out.

I don't want to say anything to him cus it's not like we're going out with eachother yet... besides hes 33 and I'm 19 so he's not exactly going to listen.

I wouldn't be bothered if he said he did them every few months or something... but every week? It would be stupid to stop seeing him for this but it's confusing me, lol.

I'm not sure I can take it further knowing he does it every week... what does everyone think?

I have friends who do drugs and that doesn't bother me... but could a relationship work if he does them and I don't?

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Reply 1
Ditch the fool, he sounds a rather bad egg. You could always turn him in to the relevant authorities for a nice reward.
I think if you're not happy with that then you're entirely entitled to not take things further. I went out with a guy and when I found out he was doing cocaine I ditched him like a shot; it's just not something I want a partner of mine associated with, so I was happy to go find a new one.
Reply 3
I guess it depends on what kinds of drugs and how often (like, every few hours or once on Saturday?), but if you aren't into drugs and don't want to get into them, it's probably not great to get involved with someone who is. Especially if it makes you uncomfortable.
Reply 4
What drugs are we talking?? A bit of weed at weekend is different to taking E on every night out or cocaine.

My boyfriend does weed a few times a week and i dont, it doesnt bother me i could tell him to stop and he would though. However i smoke and he doesn't i wouldnt be too impressed if he told me to stop :redface:
yes it could work, but if you're not happy then something has to be said, talk to him about it. He probably doesn't know how you feel
Talk first, but I must assure you that recreational drug-takers tend to be alright sorts. It's when the drug in question takes over their lives completely that you have to worry. Hell, most of the people I know at uni take/have taken drugs of some sort, from weed to cocaine and even ketamine ("Never again").

Basically, if it makes you uncomfortable - talk it over with him. Dumping him simply because he takes drugs on a recreational basis is perhaps an over-reaction.
Do you need these complications at 19? It's far, far better to be single in my opinion. You don't know how bad the drug pronlem could get, and by then it will be hard to get out.
Reply 8
I don't want to finish it now though cus I really like him.. it's just the drugs thing :frown: hes like perfect in every other way

It makes me uncomfortable cus I just think I'd be worried every weeekend and it just makes me wonder why he has to do them.. he has a good job, well settled etc etc so why drugs?

And he told me he did E and Ketamine on saturday but he doesn't do so much that he "can't walk home"... I really don't know what to do.

I think I'll wait a bit longer then bring it up.
leave him, hes not worth it
Drugs are a personal choice HOWEVER;

1) the need to take drugs can say things about how they view life/cope with things - some people use drugs to 'escape' or because they cannot cope with reality, others use them because they think having a good time, no matter what the cost, in important.

2) it is an expensive habit, and if he is doing it everyweek, it will be VERY expensive

3) if he is doing them everyweek, he may well be addicted. This is a difficult rut to get out of and many addicts don't want to get out of it.

4) drugs can have long term effects on the personality of the user. This means he may well change while you are with him and probably not for the better. This will be even more difficult to prevent if he is addicted

5) the short term effects may cause serious or unpleasant incidents; bad trips, erratic behaviour, losing control etc

6) drugs can kill. Do you really want to risk getting that, "I'm sorry miss, but your boyfriend has overdosed on ecstasy and subsequently died of dehydration" phonecall?


You also say that he is "perfect in every way".... you CANNOT know that after only a week or so, even if you have been mates with him for a while. People's behaviour at the beginning of a r/ship is often a nicer or more palletable version of who they really are. People, conciously and subconciously, amend the more extreme or odd aspects of they character when they are with someone new and so it is very difficult to work out what someone is really like until you have been with them for a while.

Also, you have not been with him long enough to see everything he has to offer in terms of values, personality, habits etc.
I would warn you against it, because from my own experiences of someone who used cocaine excessivly, it will get between you in a relationship.
My personal view on drugs is that it's an induvidual's choice, always has been - but I did have to revise this after I dated someone who was bordering on addicted, to 'it's the induviduals choice - just as its my choice not to go out with people who do drugs.'

After a couple of evenings of having to literally pull them out of a gig because they had a bad reaction, or having to sneak into Pizza Express to use their toilets because they feel sick coming down off a high, it gets tedious.

Having said that, its everyone's choice. I've just found that if you've got the 'hmm, shall we break up' thoughts as soon as you've heard this, its only going to get worse when reality kicks in.

:smile:
Reply 12
I meant perfect in the sense of what I've seen up to now, I know nobody's perfect.

He seems like a really nice person though, in lots of ways.. thats why this whole situation is confusing me so much.

Oh and yes, I would be surprised if I got a phonecall saying "miss", seen as I'm a guy :wink: lol
Bah. What's a mistaken gender between friends?

Just read my post about the possible complicatons and make your own decision based on that risk.
Reply 14
If he's using drugs every weekend without fail then he will get into the psychological addiction. Going on a night out without it will seem pointless (having said that, most people can't imagine a night out without drinking. But you can't compare them one for one).

Drugs like ecstacy should never be done on a weekly basis, a simple look at how it works will give you an idea why. And he will be depressed and grumpy during the week and its not doing him any favours in the long term.

Do your own research about drugs online (there is so much information and not just restricted to talktofrank). Look at information on how they work on the brain, addictive properties, effects etc...

When you talk to someone about drugs who takes drugs, you've got to realise that they are in a position where they think they know more than you. More often than not they have already thought about all the things you're thinking about now, and justified in their heads why its still ok to take them.

So the WORST thing you can do is try and talk to him not actually knowing what you're talking about as he will automatically dismiss everything that you say on the basis of 'yeah but they dont really know anything about x/y/z'.

In my opinion your relationship stands to go 2 ways - it'll end because you're not comfortable with what he's doing or you'll start taking drugs as well (whether its really soon or after a while of saying 'I don't mind that he does them but I'll never do them myself').

Anyhoooooo feel free to pm if this thread gets shut down.
from personal experience, i had a bf last year, long term. when we started goin out he jus recreationally did weed and occasionally other things on weekends or at parties. I didn't want to but it never really bothered me. But over the months it built up more and more and by the time we split up he was using weed 3 or 4 times a day and was a totally different guy, needless to say, by then i'd completely fallen for him and this was pretty much heartbreaking.
all i'm saying, is from personal experience drug use can only get worse really and it doesn't generally calm down. And it can change a person, a lot.
Reply 16
I'm hoping that seen as he's older.. it's not going to get any worse.

I haven't stopped thinking about it all day cus we're seeing eachother again this weekend. I'm hoping the "but you're older now" line will work when I finally come to say something.

I think I'll just stick with it for a few weeks and see how it goes... I need to ask a few more questions and show him that I'm not comfortable with it first.
If it bothers you, dump him, if it doesn't, don't. Simple. to be honest, the media has given people such a warped vision on drugs, although doing ecstasy every week seems a little over the top! And Ketamine? That's horse tranquilisers, but if that is what he wants to put in his body fair enough. It is his choice and should remain so. Anway, neither are physically addictive (that is certainly not to say they are safe), but if you want some information then head over to erowid. Do NOT use talktofrank, or some other such site aimed at teenagers which will give you little more than propganda.
Reply 18
every week is TOO often, definiately
Reply 19
i think he said "most weekends" ... i need to speak to him more about though