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How to help a depressed friend that doesn't want help
Short version:
Long version:
Spoiler
Long version:
Spoiler
I don't know what to say. It is really hard to help someone who doesn't want/ or thinks they don't want your help. She really needs to see a professional about her depression, but the problem would be getting her to go to the doctors etc. They could possibly give her anti-depressants, councelling or a combination of both. But she really has to make the first step herself to reach out for help because no one can force her to go. I dont know if it is possible for you to inform someone about her depression and see if they can reach out to her. But then she may resent the fact you told someone else. You just have to keep being there for her and try to encourage her and stuff to get some help. Once she starts to get out of the rut she will feel much better. Her home environment certainly isnt helping her, maybe she could go and stay with a friend for a while and see if she feels any better? It's a really difficult situation you have there.
About not seeking help: 3 possibilities exist.
1. She may get better spontaneously, or remain stable and thus not be in requirement of remediation.
2. She may get worse and once things get bad enough, seek help.
3. She may kill herself or harm others.
No. 3 I guess is what is worrying you. Consider asking her directly about it. It's likely she'll respond honestly, since she's already familiar with you. If her response is in the positive, suggest she get help, if she doesn't, report her ideations to the police. If her response is in the negative, and you believe it, there isn't much to be done for now.
Good luck.
1. She may get better spontaneously, or remain stable and thus not be in requirement of remediation.
2. She may get worse and once things get bad enough, seek help.
3. She may kill herself or harm others.
No. 3 I guess is what is worrying you. Consider asking her directly about it. It's likely she'll respond honestly, since she's already familiar with you. If her response is in the positive, suggest she get help, if she doesn't, report her ideations to the police. If her response is in the negative, and you believe it, there isn't much to be done for now.
Good luck.
If she doesn't want you to share her problems with you, would she feel happier talking to a stranger? If she rang the Samaritans she could talk over her options with them and be completely anonymous. Also she need only disclose the information that she wants to. Might be worth suggesting?
I completley understand how frustrating this must be for you. I had a really close friend who for about a year and a half withdrew from life and school, cut herself, stopped eating, did all sorts of stupid things. It killed me seeing her like that and I felt like I should be able to say/do something that would make some difference. Be there for her, you might think that you are not helping but I bet you are. As for proffesional help, Im always a bit sceptical about it. My friends have seen all sorts of different sorts of therapists, and whilst some can be helpful. Its all too easy to think proffesional help will be able to resolve this- however the working of a teenage mind are often more of a mystery to a GP or councellor than they would be to you. My friend seemed to realise it wasn't somewhere she wanted to be and was glad still to have her friends around her. Good luck, I really hope things get better for her and you.
Ok, the only advice I can really give is
- Don't feel too responsible for her. It sounds like she's got herself into this state and ultimately it is up to her to fix herself. Bear in mind that there's only so much you can do for her and her future lies in her own hands. I'm sorry if that sounds patronising or unhelpful but I've had 2 very close friends with chronic depression and it took me quite a while to come to terms with the fact that, no matter how much I wanted to support them, there was only so much I could do for them. It's up to them.
- Secondly her parents clearly haven't rejected her. They won't let her leave home because they care and that is also the reason that her father is so angry about her drinking and failing at school - he cares about her. Point this out to her. Tell her, in a firm but not a critical way, that she should be grateful for this.
- I'd tell her that she's not going to get help unless she asks for it. It's the truth. She either has to shut up and get on with life without cutting herself or she has to open up to people. You've responded to her so well and you've been so caring - why does she think anyone else will be different? Self harm is so dangerous and it's so stressful for those around her. I think the parents will notice the cuts soonish anyway.
- I think that it would be good if you could reassure her that she can open up to you without it being a burden. If she sees you as an emotionally strong person then I think she's more likely to not have any doubts about talking to you about her problems.
Once you're in a position of absolute trust you'll be more able to give her advice about getting proffessional help or talking to her parents. Only after she really trusts you and looks up to you will she take your advice.
This may be a long process. Good luck. You sound like a lovely friend, she is lucky to have you. I'm really sorry no one is able to give you any straightforwad step by step advice, but like I said, there's only so much you can do for her.
- Don't feel too responsible for her. It sounds like she's got herself into this state and ultimately it is up to her to fix herself. Bear in mind that there's only so much you can do for her and her future lies in her own hands. I'm sorry if that sounds patronising or unhelpful but I've had 2 very close friends with chronic depression and it took me quite a while to come to terms with the fact that, no matter how much I wanted to support them, there was only so much I could do for them. It's up to them.
- Secondly her parents clearly haven't rejected her. They won't let her leave home because they care and that is also the reason that her father is so angry about her drinking and failing at school - he cares about her. Point this out to her. Tell her, in a firm but not a critical way, that she should be grateful for this.
- I'd tell her that she's not going to get help unless she asks for it. It's the truth. She either has to shut up and get on with life without cutting herself or she has to open up to people. You've responded to her so well and you've been so caring - why does she think anyone else will be different? Self harm is so dangerous and it's so stressful for those around her. I think the parents will notice the cuts soonish anyway.
- I think that it would be good if you could reassure her that she can open up to you without it being a burden. If she sees you as an emotionally strong person then I think she's more likely to not have any doubts about talking to you about her problems.
Once you're in a position of absolute trust you'll be more able to give her advice about getting proffessional help or talking to her parents. Only after she really trusts you and looks up to you will she take your advice.
This may be a long process. Good luck. You sound like a lovely friend, she is lucky to have you. I'm really sorry no one is able to give you any straightforwad step by step advice, but like I said, there's only so much you can do for her.
I know that when I was doing s/h and suffering depression, the harder my friends tried to push me into getting help or talking about it, the more I stuck my head in the ground and ignored them. The hardest thing (for me, I can't speak for your friend) was that people knew what I was trying to keep hidden even though I didn't make huge efforts to hide it (it made sense in my head at the time!) so just make sure you're there for her to talk to whenever she needs it, and maybe just give her the Samaritans/Childline numbers without saying anything else about it and she may then feel she can talk to them without having to relay what may be hard to talk about with friends back to you (in a not harsh way!). Hope it goes okay xxx
When I was going through a bad time everyone claimed I had depression. Looking back I actually think I did but that's beside the point.
I felt that everyone was criticizing me, telling me I was weak. Inferior. 'Mentally ill'. Of course this is true - it is a weakness, but I couldn't accept the idea that I was so wrong in the head. I hated the idea of people knowing I was so flawed and acting so superior about it, even though none of that was done deliberately. As a result I rejected all help. Anyway, the point is, if you want to tell her to get proper help you have to put forward the idea very tactfully. It's hard to do I'd imagine, but don't make her feel ashamed of it.
Of course some people just love sympathy and attention and don't feel any shame at the pain it causes families and friends. Your friend might be one of them.
I felt that everyone was criticizing me, telling me I was weak. Inferior. 'Mentally ill'. Of course this is true - it is a weakness, but I couldn't accept the idea that I was so wrong in the head. I hated the idea of people knowing I was so flawed and acting so superior about it, even though none of that was done deliberately. As a result I rejected all help. Anyway, the point is, if you want to tell her to get proper help you have to put forward the idea very tactfully. It's hard to do I'd imagine, but don't make her feel ashamed of it.
Of course some people just love sympathy and attention and don't feel any shame at the pain it causes families and friends. Your friend might be one of them.
Thanks for all the replies, guys (and gals 
)
I'm pretty sure she would NEVER seek professional help, she told me just now that she didn't need help, and nothing I said would convince her otherwise. She just said she didn't want to talk about it.
This sounds a lot like her situation, she doesn't seem to hide it at all but hates talking about it. Actually I have a quote which she told me:
Crying, I can’t stop. Listening to really loud music makes me cry. Or when I cry I listen to really loud music. I’m not sure which. Whenever I am going to cry I wear headphones so the music is loud enough. I’ve had a conversation with both my parents whilst crying and they haven’t noticed. I don’t like this house. And I always listen to slow music when I’m upset. I just want attention from my parents… and I know that sounds really spoilt etc but it’s not because it’s not like I want all the attention. I just want some. Maybe enough to notice I cry everyday and permanently wear a bandage. Something like that would be nice. Its not like I don’t make the effort. I really tried tonight and I think that’s why I’m especially upset. I got up and gave ma mere a hug and a kiss and she got cross and told me to go away because I was distracting her from what she was doing. And my dad was at football yet again. Not that I’d go to him anyway. And my sister was on the computer so I couldn’t talk to anyone. I was just completely cut off from anyone at all. If that’s not reason enough to cry, then I’m sorry but it makes me really upset, and makes me feel really ill. So I end up crying and feeling ill and that’s horrible so I cry more. And no one notices. And then I wonder how long I could cry without anyone noticing for. That’s not a nice thought because I can guess how long.
)I'm pretty sure she would NEVER seek professional help, she told me just now that she didn't need help, and nothing I said would convince her otherwise. She just said she didn't want to talk about it.
he_is_innocent
The hardest thing (for me, I can't speak for your friend) was that people knew what I was trying to keep hidden even though I didn't make huge efforts to hide it (it made sense in my head at the time!)
This sounds a lot like her situation, she doesn't seem to hide it at all but hates talking about it. Actually I have a quote which she told me:
Crying, I can’t stop. Listening to really loud music makes me cry. Or when I cry I listen to really loud music. I’m not sure which. Whenever I am going to cry I wear headphones so the music is loud enough. I’ve had a conversation with both my parents whilst crying and they haven’t noticed. I don’t like this house. And I always listen to slow music when I’m upset. I just want attention from my parents… and I know that sounds really spoilt etc but it’s not because it’s not like I want all the attention. I just want some. Maybe enough to notice I cry everyday and permanently wear a bandage. Something like that would be nice. Its not like I don’t make the effort. I really tried tonight and I think that’s why I’m especially upset. I got up and gave ma mere a hug and a kiss and she got cross and told me to go away because I was distracting her from what she was doing. And my dad was at football yet again. Not that I’d go to him anyway. And my sister was on the computer so I couldn’t talk to anyone. I was just completely cut off from anyone at all. If that’s not reason enough to cry, then I’m sorry but it makes me really upset, and makes me feel really ill. So I end up crying and feeling ill and that’s horrible so I cry more. And no one notices. And then I wonder how long I could cry without anyone noticing for. That’s not a nice thought because I can guess how long.
Ok, if she's said she doesn't want help (I think I remember myself saying that at several points!) then she might (emphasise the might here because I don't know!) not realise that she has a problem or it may be that she is attention seeking (though not in the negative "look at me look at me" way) but like she's said in the quote - she's trying to get attention from her parents, not getting it and so coming to you to see if you can help her get it. Apologies for over-usage of brackets!!
If she permanently wears a bandage at school (assuming you're at school!) then the teachers may pick it up, especially if her moods changed and talk to her about it, but the best thing you can do for her is to let her vent her sadness and negative feelings onto you, and don't push her into talking about her s/h because she'll only end up getting defensive and angry and pushing you away which'll be worse for her in the end because you may get angry back etc. I hope it gets sorted soon, PM me if you want to talk more xxx
If she permanently wears a bandage at school (assuming you're at school!) then the teachers may pick it up, especially if her moods changed and talk to her about it, but the best thing you can do for her is to let her vent her sadness and negative feelings onto you, and don't push her into talking about her s/h because she'll only end up getting defensive and angry and pushing you away which'll be worse for her in the end because you may get angry back etc. I hope it gets sorted soon, PM me if you want to talk more xxx
As I alluded to in my previous answer, your friend may be in the delusion that their experience is a) bad, and b) as bad as it could be. You may wish to inform them, in no uncertain terms, that the reasons for them seeking help extend beyond the desire to fix the current problem, which in the grand scheme of things is a mild one.
The main reason for them seeking help in their current state is that, as with all neuropsychological disorders, where a solution exists, it is best applied early, since this results in the highest probability of resolution in the shortest period of time. Leaving things is a dangerous affair; since this appears to be the first time your friend has gone through this, you cannot predict accurately whether the experience will spontaneously resolve or progress to a more insidious disorder that is far more resistant to treatment.
Essentially, if your friend thinks this is bad, but isn't going to seek help, they're in a naive delusion and were their state to progress, they would most likely regret their current method of decision-making.
The main reason for them seeking help in their current state is that, as with all neuropsychological disorders, where a solution exists, it is best applied early, since this results in the highest probability of resolution in the shortest period of time. Leaving things is a dangerous affair; since this appears to be the first time your friend has gone through this, you cannot predict accurately whether the experience will spontaneously resolve or progress to a more insidious disorder that is far more resistant to treatment.
Essentially, if your friend thinks this is bad, but isn't going to seek help, they're in a naive delusion and were their state to progress, they would most likely regret their current method of decision-making.
You're friend is obviously having a seriously rough time, and you're really worried about her.
First things first: you are an awesome friend! for sticking by her through this, and seeking help on her behalf.
Ok, i'll try and tackle these one at a time, but remember, i'm not a proffesional (though i do have experience in this area).
I imagine she can't dump her boyfrind becasue
a) he's one of the few people in her life who isn't causing her hurt, and she'd hate to not return the favour.
b)if she did dump him, she'd have to cope with another person's negative emotions towards her, which she probably feels is too much.
how much does the boyfriend know about what she has deal with at home?
Sound's like you beleive this to be out of character?
It sounds weird, but she's probably seeing how far she can go/testing boundaries. she wants some form of love/attention from her parents, and if she can't egt the positive kind she'll settle for trying to get the negative. If her parents ignore what she does, it'll only get worse.
make sense?
Beleiving/knowing your parents are at each other's throats is awful. Parents are supposed to be the rocks in their kid's lives; unfortuinately they're no more perfect than the rest of us. a friend of mine is going through something similar, and it's killing him.
from her point of view:
whats the point i work? the rest of my life is falling apart and getting good grades isn't going to solve that.
besides, if i'm doing badly now, i'm gonna have to put a LOT of effort into getting back on top, which i juts don't have the strength for.
The best you can do for here is keep on top of your own work (for yourself too!) and help her if she asks, but don't put any prssure on her. her parent may well be throwing bad grades in her face at home, and she doesn't need it from her friends. juts let her know you care about her (unconditionally!)
her parent may well have sub-consiously noticed, but (again subconsiously) having to cope with with their own problems won't admit it to themselves.
It does sound weird that her PARENTS wouldn't notice something as big as this, but's it more commen than you'd realise.
That must have been a real shock, I really feel for you! self harm is (again) more commne that people think, but there is a stigma attached to it that people who do it are weird and should be avoided at all costs/are beyond help. all of which is of course totally untrue. Your friend is cutting herself becasue her body is the only thing she has control over.
You truly are being fantastic in a situation that mnay poeple in you postion wouldn't be able to deal with!
whether subconsously or consciously that is a total lie. she needs you badly, but is proabbly testing ou - if you let her down, that would be too much.
However here she may have a point. not in that you cannot help her full stop, but unfortunately you can't solve her family problems - the root of most of her other problems.
What you can do is support her through this: be there for her when she wants to talk, be light relief i.e. take her to a film and laugh with her when she needs to escape it all, hug her when she cries, and seek proffesionaly advice on how to help someone with depression.
That said, that is more than anyone should have to do/cope with, and it's easy to get depression yourself when someone you acre about that muhc is depressed, and ultimately they're the only ones who can work themselves through it.
She needs profeesion help, i/e/ to see a school councellor, get reffered by her local G.P., phone up one of the many helplines there are with trained people on the other end.
but you also need support! I'd suggest phone up one of these lines yourslef, and getting all fo this off your chest within the comfort of being anonymous.
they'll eb able to give you good advice, both on how to support your friend and how to support yourself!
Do PM me if you want any more advice/support.
Good luck, and keep me posted!
B.Bear
First things first: you are an awesome friend! for sticking by her through this, and seeking help on her behalf.
Ok, i'll try and tackle these one at a time, but remember, i'm not a proffesional (though i do have experience in this area).
xatm092
Firstly, she has had a boyfriend for 6 months now, and for the last 3 months or so she has not liked him. But she can't bring herself to split up from him because she doesn't want to hurt him.
I imagine she can't dump her boyfrind becasue
a) he's one of the few people in her life who isn't causing her hurt, and she'd hate to not return the favour.
b)if she did dump him, she'd have to cope with another person's negative emotions towards her, which she probably feels is too much.
how much does the boyfriend know about what she has deal with at home?
xatm092
Secondly, she has, in the last few years, been very disobedient, and has gone out many night not returning the following morning, (she is only 16 now). I know that she often buys alcohol underage and goes to night clubs, and that she has cheated on her boyfriend several times in the last week, never mind month.
Sound's like you beleive this to be out of character?
It sounds weird, but she's probably seeing how far she can go/testing boundaries. she wants some form of love/attention from her parents, and if she can't egt the positive kind she'll settle for trying to get the negative. If her parents ignore what she does, it'll only get worse.
make sense?
xatm092
Thridly, because of this, her parents have rejected her, to the point of her father actually claiming that she was not a part of their family, and scribbling all over the family calendar, in her column, that she was not going on holiday with them that year.
Fourthly, she suspects that her father is having an affair with another woman, he has openly declared to his wife many a time that he does not love her, and this has hurt both the mother and my friend.
Fourthly, she suspects that her father is having an affair with another woman, he has openly declared to his wife many a time that he does not love her, and this has hurt both the mother and my friend.
Beleiving/knowing your parents are at each other's throats is awful. Parents are supposed to be the rocks in their kid's lives; unfortuinately they're no more perfect than the rest of us. a friend of mine is going through something similar, and it's killing him.
xatm092
Fifthly, she is failing at school, she does not ejoy school or any form of work and therefore does not do it, and this is making her even more unhappy as many of her GCSE coursework projects are now overdue and she is very far behind.
from her point of view:
whats the point i work? the rest of my life is falling apart and getting good grades isn't going to solve that.
besides, if i'm doing badly now, i'm gonna have to put a LOT of effort into getting back on top, which i juts don't have the strength for.
The best you can do for here is keep on top of your own work (for yourself too!) and help her if she asks, but don't put any prssure on her. her parent may well be throwing bad grades in her face at home, and she doesn't need it from her friends. juts let her know you care about her (unconditionally!)
xatm092
Sixthly, her parents have either never noticed or never cared that she is so upset. I hardly see her, but talk to her often on MSN, and from what I can tell she cries about 5 times a day, and her parents ignore her completely, she says she thinks they don' tnotice because she tries to hide it, and always jsut syas "she is tired", but I can't see her parents not noticing that she has chronic depression.
her parent may well have sub-consiously noticed, but (again subconsiously) having to cope with with their own problems won't admit it to themselves.
It does sound weird that her PARENTS wouldn't notice something as big as this, but's it more commen than you'd realise.
xatm092
Lastly, I found out about 20 minutes ago (over MSN) that she has been cutting her wrists (top not bottom 
). I don't know how long for. I don't know why anyone would ever do that - even if they were feling upset how would causing yourself physical harm make it any better?
). I don't know how long for. I don't know why anyone would ever do that - even if they were feling upset how would causing yourself physical harm make it any better?That must have been a real shock, I really feel for you! self harm is (again) more commne that people think, but there is a stigma attached to it that people who do it are weird and should be avoided at all costs/are beyond help. all of which is of course totally untrue. Your friend is cutting herself becasue her body is the only thing she has control over.
xatm092
I've tried helping her in so many ways - talking to her, going around her house, talking some more,
You truly are being fantastic in a situation that mnay poeple in you postion wouldn't be able to deal with!
xatm092
suggesting solutions, anything I try to do she shrugs me off and says she doesn't want me to share her burden,
whether subconsously or consciously that is a total lie. she needs you badly, but is proabbly testing ou - if you let her down, that would be too much.
xatm092
and there is nothing I can do for her. This is not true and I know I can help her I jsut need her to know that first.
However here she may have a point. not in that you cannot help her full stop, but unfortunately you can't solve her family problems - the root of most of her other problems.
xatm092
I am really really really worried for my friend and I don't know what to do and I really really really need people's advice on how to go about helping this poor girl out of her mess.
What you can do is support her through this: be there for her when she wants to talk, be light relief i.e. take her to a film and laugh with her when she needs to escape it all, hug her when she cries, and seek proffesionaly advice on how to help someone with depression.
That said, that is more than anyone should have to do/cope with, and it's easy to get depression yourself when someone you acre about that muhc is depressed, and ultimately they're the only ones who can work themselves through it.
She needs profeesion help, i/e/ to see a school councellor, get reffered by her local G.P., phone up one of the many helplines there are with trained people on the other end.
but you also need support! I'd suggest phone up one of these lines yourslef, and getting all fo this off your chest within the comfort of being anonymous.
they'll eb able to give you good advice, both on how to support your friend and how to support yourself!
Do PM me if you want any more advice/support.
Good luck, and keep me posted!
B.Bear
It's extremely difficult to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. You are doing a great job of being there for her though so keep that up because even if she doesn't want your help at this moment in time, she will want it at some point so as difficult as it is for you, stick in there. She needs to see someone about her depression, someone who will be able to help her. If she admits to herself that she does have a problem with depression then thats the first step of getting through it. It will never be easy for your friend to get through this but with your help and the help of a professional, she can.
Suggest that she speaks to someone about her depression and all the things that are going on in her life. I can see your point about her not talking to you so the chances of her talking to a professional are rather slim but at the same time, talking to someone that you don't know can be much easier than talking to a friend. She really would benifit from this kind of help but trying to convince her of this will be difficult.
At the end of the day, until she admits that she has a problem and decides that she wants to do something about it, theres nothing you can really do to help her apart from be there incase she needs you.
Suggest that she speaks to someone about her depression and all the things that are going on in her life. I can see your point about her not talking to you so the chances of her talking to a professional are rather slim but at the same time, talking to someone that you don't know can be much easier than talking to a friend. She really would benifit from this kind of help but trying to convince her of this will be difficult.
At the end of the day, until she admits that she has a problem and decides that she wants to do something about it, theres nothing you can really do to help her apart from be there incase she needs you.
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