Advice on whether to carry on with my studies after nervous breakdown.
Hello,
As the title suggests I'm quite confused on what to do with life in general at the moment. I'm not exactly good writing things like this, so please bare with me while I give you some context to my situation.
I began studying for my MRes in September 2014. I moved to a new city and a new university with good hopes for the future. Prior to this I have suffered on and off with depression for the last 10 years, this bout has been going on for 3 years- and recently I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar (II) disorder.
I can't say 2014 was a particularly good year for me, besides being my final year (which is a stress fest for everybody), my grandad past away in May. Leading up to September I was so determined to do my masters that I ignored the advice of my family and loved ones that perhaps this wasn't the right time or place (the uni I was going to is much further away and a bigger city).
Anyway, September came and unfortunately my uncle passed away the week I started uni. I was stressed out already as I have a PCDL from the bank to fund the course, and leading up to September the bank were being difficult to work with as I had to push back my final year exams. I think the combination of losing my loved ones and my other stresses started to get to me.
From that point on I started getting in a downward spiral. Looking back, I don't think I had ever suffered with this level of depression before and it greatly affected my university work. I was missing lectures, missing deadlines, missing extensions on my deadlines, and so on. I had no motivation or concentration in my research or modules. I started to hate being in Newcastle, the house I lived in, and the university for having little student support network. Don't get me wrong, my supervisor was brilliant with me- but there's only so much she could help, especially with how ill I was.
So in December it was finally decided that I would have a granted absence of study for 2 weeks- allowing me more time at home over the Christmas break to get myself better.
Unfortunately that didn't happen. I started to get more and more anxious, I started to have panic attacks multiple times every day. I have always had some anxiety issues but not to the point I had at that point in time. Thing's got worse and worse. I gained a total fear of going outside my house at night, I rarely went out in the day time either as I would have panic attacks. I couldn't talk about topics such as death as I would physically be dry heave. I wanted to disappear, and started getting suicidal thoughts all the time, and I started self harming again (something I hadn't done in 7 years).
By January I was in a complete mess, and I decided that I could not go back to university. I was put on suspension of studies- this will remain so until December this year.
It has been a long road to where I am (mentally) in myself now. Better medication has helped, and I started a job in late April to help preoccupy myself and to meet new people which has helped me quite a bit- and also to save up money. But I am still not 100%, and I won't be for a long while. I still have my anxiety issues and I'm still down.
Which is where I need some advice really.
I can feel the time ticking away to when my suspension is up and to be back at uni. I'm starting to worry more, and I'm getting more anxious. My main issue is that I still haven't really got the motivation to catch up on my assignments, or to do any revision for my January exams. Saving money is a struggle, as although I have long hours at work (6:30am starts to sometimes finishing at 11pm), being a community health care assistant means I only get paid for my 'call' time and not break time between my shifts. I feel that I don't have much free time anymore, and when I do I don't want to do university work.
The other issue is whether I could cope with going back. Talking to my psychiatrist, she has told me that I really need 2 years of stability after my breakdown. Which I know I need. I just wish I felt that the university could help me more with the transition back, but at the minute I don't think they can.
But not going back means I have to sort my life out in other ways, such as getting another job (don't get me wrong I enjoy care work but it's long hours and little pay, and I'm starting to feel like it's a thankless job). I joined the MRes last year as I thought I wanted to do a PhD, but now I'm not sure what I want anymore.
One of the issues facing me also is the loan repayments I will have to make for the PCDL, that I had to get out to fund this course and accommodation in Newcastle.
Not going back also means that I've disappointed myself and I would feel a disappointment to my loved ones (although they say I'm not- but I can't help thinking that).
The thing is, I keep thinking (and at the thought of my boyfriend) that if I went back all I would have to do is my 7 months research project and that would be it. But the other side of that is doing all my assignments and catching up with everything at home leading up to December.
I really don't know what to do. I am really sorry at the length of this- I feel silly for putting so much, but I think I needed to spill this out.
I don't know if any of you out there have ever been in a similar situation, but if you have, what would you advise? And even if you haven't any sort of advice would be lovely.
Thank you for reading.
As the title suggests I'm quite confused on what to do with life in general at the moment. I'm not exactly good writing things like this, so please bare with me while I give you some context to my situation.
I began studying for my MRes in September 2014. I moved to a new city and a new university with good hopes for the future. Prior to this I have suffered on and off with depression for the last 10 years, this bout has been going on for 3 years- and recently I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar (II) disorder.
I can't say 2014 was a particularly good year for me, besides being my final year (which is a stress fest for everybody), my grandad past away in May. Leading up to September I was so determined to do my masters that I ignored the advice of my family and loved ones that perhaps this wasn't the right time or place (the uni I was going to is much further away and a bigger city).
Anyway, September came and unfortunately my uncle passed away the week I started uni. I was stressed out already as I have a PCDL from the bank to fund the course, and leading up to September the bank were being difficult to work with as I had to push back my final year exams. I think the combination of losing my loved ones and my other stresses started to get to me.
From that point on I started getting in a downward spiral. Looking back, I don't think I had ever suffered with this level of depression before and it greatly affected my university work. I was missing lectures, missing deadlines, missing extensions on my deadlines, and so on. I had no motivation or concentration in my research or modules. I started to hate being in Newcastle, the house I lived in, and the university for having little student support network. Don't get me wrong, my supervisor was brilliant with me- but there's only so much she could help, especially with how ill I was.
So in December it was finally decided that I would have a granted absence of study for 2 weeks- allowing me more time at home over the Christmas break to get myself better.
Unfortunately that didn't happen. I started to get more and more anxious, I started to have panic attacks multiple times every day. I have always had some anxiety issues but not to the point I had at that point in time. Thing's got worse and worse. I gained a total fear of going outside my house at night, I rarely went out in the day time either as I would have panic attacks. I couldn't talk about topics such as death as I would physically be dry heave. I wanted to disappear, and started getting suicidal thoughts all the time, and I started self harming again (something I hadn't done in 7 years).
By January I was in a complete mess, and I decided that I could not go back to university. I was put on suspension of studies- this will remain so until December this year.
It has been a long road to where I am (mentally) in myself now. Better medication has helped, and I started a job in late April to help preoccupy myself and to meet new people which has helped me quite a bit- and also to save up money. But I am still not 100%, and I won't be for a long while. I still have my anxiety issues and I'm still down.
Which is where I need some advice really.
I can feel the time ticking away to when my suspension is up and to be back at uni. I'm starting to worry more, and I'm getting more anxious. My main issue is that I still haven't really got the motivation to catch up on my assignments, or to do any revision for my January exams. Saving money is a struggle, as although I have long hours at work (6:30am starts to sometimes finishing at 11pm), being a community health care assistant means I only get paid for my 'call' time and not break time between my shifts. I feel that I don't have much free time anymore, and when I do I don't want to do university work.
The other issue is whether I could cope with going back. Talking to my psychiatrist, she has told me that I really need 2 years of stability after my breakdown. Which I know I need. I just wish I felt that the university could help me more with the transition back, but at the minute I don't think they can.
But not going back means I have to sort my life out in other ways, such as getting another job (don't get me wrong I enjoy care work but it's long hours and little pay, and I'm starting to feel like it's a thankless job). I joined the MRes last year as I thought I wanted to do a PhD, but now I'm not sure what I want anymore.
One of the issues facing me also is the loan repayments I will have to make for the PCDL, that I had to get out to fund this course and accommodation in Newcastle.
Not going back also means that I've disappointed myself and I would feel a disappointment to my loved ones (although they say I'm not- but I can't help thinking that).
The thing is, I keep thinking (and at the thought of my boyfriend) that if I went back all I would have to do is my 7 months research project and that would be it. But the other side of that is doing all my assignments and catching up with everything at home leading up to December.
I really don't know what to do. I am really sorry at the length of this- I feel silly for putting so much, but I think I needed to spill this out.
I don't know if any of you out there have ever been in a similar situation, but if you have, what would you advise? And even if you haven't any sort of advice would be lovely.
Thank you for reading.
Honestly, I would say take another year. You don't want to risk going back to square one again and your psychiatrist will know what they're talking about, hard as it is to take that sort of advice. At the end of the day your health is more important and, from an academic perspective, you'd also probably be better taking an extra year and getting a good grade at te end of it than just passing or even failing for the sake of getting it done faster. You say yourself you're not ready to go back yet and whilst you have a few months I guess you'll have things you need to do before you return.
The other thing I'd say whether you decide to go back in January or not is that it could be worth trying to cut down your work hours a bit or even changing jobs if it's affecting you that much, but that's obviously up to you and I appreciate money could be an issue!
I guess I'm similar in that I haven't started uni yet and am just about to (probably) take a second gap year also for health reasons, mainly for those I've just stated above. I completely get what you mean about feeling like you're letting people down but you're really not, and at the end of the day it's your health and you need to do what's right for you. I hope that makes some sort of sense!
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The other thing I'd say whether you decide to go back in January or not is that it could be worth trying to cut down your work hours a bit or even changing jobs if it's affecting you that much, but that's obviously up to you and I appreciate money could be an issue!
I guess I'm similar in that I haven't started uni yet and am just about to (probably) take a second gap year also for health reasons, mainly for those I've just stated above. I completely get what you mean about feeling like you're letting people down but you're really not, and at the end of the day it's your health and you need to do what's right for you. I hope that makes some sort of sense!
Posted from TSR Mobile
I was diagnosed with bipolar at 13.
I've had breakdown, after breakdown, after breakdown.
I don't milk it- I get on with it. It's not a Physical disease, it can't physically stop you.
If YOU WANT to stop, then stop.
If YOU WANT to proceed, proceed.
I've had breakdown, after breakdown, after breakdown.
I don't milk it- I get on with it. It's not a Physical disease, it can't physically stop you.
If YOU WANT to stop, then stop.
If YOU WANT to proceed, proceed.
Hi,
I'm sorry to hear of all you've been through, and that the anxiety still isn't under control. I would recommend either extending the leave of absence or, perhaps even better, quitting the course. It sounds quite high pressured and like you would have to do a lot of work and have a lot of energy (physical and mental) in order to cope with the workload.
I think you would be better off focusing on yourself by quitting the course, since I'm not sure if universities allow one to be on leave of absence indefinitely, which it sounds like you may need.
All this said, I'm not sure how quitting might affect your PCDL payments? Is that something you can find out? Can your family afford to help you?
Wishing you the very best of luck with your continued recovery
I'm sorry to hear of all you've been through, and that the anxiety still isn't under control. I would recommend either extending the leave of absence or, perhaps even better, quitting the course. It sounds quite high pressured and like you would have to do a lot of work and have a lot of energy (physical and mental) in order to cope with the workload.
I think you would be better off focusing on yourself by quitting the course, since I'm not sure if universities allow one to be on leave of absence indefinitely, which it sounds like you may need.
All this said, I'm not sure how quitting might affect your PCDL payments? Is that something you can find out? Can your family afford to help you?
Wishing you the very best of luck with your continued recovery
