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I feel like i'm the only one making any effort...
Ok, me n my bf have been together for about a year and a half, and we had one of those whirlwind romances where we were "in love" after a month. We spend all day together at college, and used to spend a few hours in the evening together as well, and still not get enuf of each other. We have talked openly about the future, getting married, kids, the lot (not planning them any time soon i might hasten to add) and i cant imagine not having him around or worse, another girl liking him.
The thing is, over the last few months, things have started to change. We finally came out of that honeymoon period, well, he did anyway. Wot i mean is, i feel like hes no longer desperate to see me (he used to always be so desperate to see me n like run round to my house in the pouring rain), and he doesnt make any effort with us any more. He wont make time to see me if he has stuff to do, where as i always have even tho i do far too much in terms of school work and working at the weekends. He doesnt do anything special for me any more and wont even do anything for valentines, on the excuse that he "hasnt got any money"-well he never does! And even more weirdly and worrying, he doesnt want sex very often and im often hinting and he just doesnt seem interested. I get the impression its just hard work. Hes changed a lot too, hes gone very quiet and gets pissed off with everything. He used to be a real joker. I on the other hand have lightened up a lot since i met him, and am no longer so shy, quiet and work-focused.
I just feel a bit neglected and a bit unloved i guess. Problem is, its putting other thoughts into my head. I know i couldnt live without him but at the same time, im wondering if i should move on n get out n live (he was my first everything, n i have never done anything else with anyone else, i dont know wot its like to flirt etc with other boys). Im going to uni in september and hes not, and if things stay like they are, im not sure i will be able to carry it on as i feel like i havent experienced enuf to be settling down with the first person i ever go out with. Saying that, we are each others lives and i cant imagine a future without him. I dont no! Another thing that just adds more complication to it is me....i used to be anorexic, now im slightly overweight (due to binge eating which i cant control...probly to do with the emotional rollercoaster i live on!) and i dont have the self confidence to be stepping out on my own. So now i think im only staying with him because im worried no one else will want me. I dont no. Up until i met him, i always thought i was fat and ugly wen i actually wasnt n i never had a boyfriend. Then i started college and got a lot of male attention. But now i have changed i dont no wot to do! Help!
The thing is, over the last few months, things have started to change. We finally came out of that honeymoon period, well, he did anyway. Wot i mean is, i feel like hes no longer desperate to see me (he used to always be so desperate to see me n like run round to my house in the pouring rain), and he doesnt make any effort with us any more. He wont make time to see me if he has stuff to do, where as i always have even tho i do far too much in terms of school work and working at the weekends. He doesnt do anything special for me any more and wont even do anything for valentines, on the excuse that he "hasnt got any money"-well he never does! And even more weirdly and worrying, he doesnt want sex very often and im often hinting and he just doesnt seem interested. I get the impression its just hard work. Hes changed a lot too, hes gone very quiet and gets pissed off with everything. He used to be a real joker. I on the other hand have lightened up a lot since i met him, and am no longer so shy, quiet and work-focused.
I just feel a bit neglected and a bit unloved i guess. Problem is, its putting other thoughts into my head. I know i couldnt live without him but at the same time, im wondering if i should move on n get out n live (he was my first everything, n i have never done anything else with anyone else, i dont know wot its like to flirt etc with other boys). Im going to uni in september and hes not, and if things stay like they are, im not sure i will be able to carry it on as i feel like i havent experienced enuf to be settling down with the first person i ever go out with. Saying that, we are each others lives and i cant imagine a future without him. I dont no! Another thing that just adds more complication to it is me....i used to be anorexic, now im slightly overweight (due to binge eating which i cant control...probly to do with the emotional rollercoaster i live on!) and i dont have the self confidence to be stepping out on my own. So now i think im only staying with him because im worried no one else will want me. I dont no. Up until i met him, i always thought i was fat and ugly wen i actually wasnt n i never had a boyfriend. Then i started college and got a lot of male attention. But now i have changed i dont no wot to do! Help!
Haha i already run most mornings, but can't control the eating....any little thing sets me off....stress, bf doing summin wrong, happiness, sadness, worry, more stress... 
Mr. Fox
Get rid, stop eating too much/junk and start going to the gym.
I'm afraid that shows a significant misunderstanding of eating disorders. But I understand that you were only trying to help.
OP I hate to say this but what your boyfriend is doing is pretty classic passive-aggressive behaviour. There is a good chance he has lost interest somewhat but feels guilty (possibly due to your emotional problems) and so is trying to get you to break up with him by acting distant. I am so sorry and can only offer my sympathy but my practical advice would be this: perhaps it's time to get a hold of yourself and make a fresh start. If you're going to uni you will be able to start all over again and show people a completely new persona, leaving everything you've been in the past behind you. I think you should have a serious chat with your boyfriend and unless he can convince you that he has long term plans for your relationship, agree to leave things now. You've had a great time together and it's better to break things off while you still love him than drag it out right to the bitter end and have him really hurt you. Get some counselling for your eating problems, get your hair cut, buy some new clothes and start becoming the person you want to be rather than staying in a relationship which, by making you insecure, is probably perpetuating the damaging thought processes that are at the root of your emotional problems. I hope this helps x
I had a feeling people would say that. Maybe I'm in denial, but I know he loves me, and I'm almost sure he wants me for the long haul, it just feels like i don't excite him any more. I think he may well be in the same situation as me, in that he feels he can't live without me but wants to know what else is out there. He's had a lot more life experience than me though so hes done the whole playing around, being a lad thing and considers himself too grown up for that now. He needs me as much as i need him, i know that. I know he loves me, we talk about everything....well everything apart from this. I love him and i need him and i would like to spend the rest of my life with him but the old him, not this new version. I just always wonder wot i have missed out on, and i think i will always be like that. Why cant i just be satisfied with what i have been blessed with - a loving soulmate (i no that sounds cheesy but we are best friends as well as bf and gf)???
I feel like I'm the only one not making any effort. I hear from all my friends how they're making a load of effort to have girlfriends. I don't do anything like that, hours on the phone, daily texts, doing loads of work to organise dates. I might be a little selfish, I'm almost feeling guilty. But lets remember, I'm a true man, and how the hell am I sopposed to feel guilty if I can barely spell feelings.
Anyway, my real advice (ok, it was hidden in there, but of course not many people are clever enough to understand that). So what if he's not completly obsessed with you, seeing you all the time, phoning you for 5 hours a day. If someone did that to me they'd be a little more than upset after 5 mins on the phone to me. Must be having a laugh if I'm doing that much work/talking/something I don't want to do. Just leave him to do as he wants and enjoy the time with him.
Anyway, my real advice (ok, it was hidden in there, but of course not many people are clever enough to understand that). So what if he's not completly obsessed with you, seeing you all the time, phoning you for 5 hours a day. If someone did that to me they'd be a little more than upset after 5 mins on the phone to me. Must be having a laugh if I'm doing that much work/talking/something I don't want to do. Just leave him to do as he wants and enjoy the time with him.
I know, thats wot i keep telling myself, but i still feel neglected, still feel like hes going off me/im not the most important thing to him any more. In a relationship like ours where we have lived joined at the hip for a year and a half, that is too hard to bear.
I have told him that i feel neglected/unloved sometimes and he made a conscious effort to try not to let it happen...so whenever he feels hes doing well he checks to make sure im feeling loved and wanted...and whenever hes not (ie he blows me off to do "stuff that hes got to do") he asks me if im feeling loved, i tell him no and he ignores me for a couple of hours. Its things like that that make me feel like im too much like hard work for him, like he cant be bothered with me.
Anonymous
I have told him that i feel neglected/unloved sometimes and he made a conscious effort to try not to let it happen...so whenever he feels hes doing well he checks to make sure im feeling loved and wanted...and whenever hes not (ie he blows me off to do "stuff that hes got to do") he asks me if im feeling loved, i tell him no and he ignores me for a couple of hours. Its things like that that make me feel like im too much like hard work for him, like he cant be bothered with me.
Well, you can't cling onto him for all day. You gotta respect his space. He's obviously bothered about you or you wouldn't be together. Just take it slow. This is probably a phase. It'll go. also, have you thought that you may just a tiny bit maybe over-reacting? I might not be as bad of a situation that you make it to be
Thanks.
I hoped it was a phase but its been going on a while now, with each week a fraction worse than the last. He just seems so negative these days. ALso, im not used to not spending as much time as we can together....i just feel like im sitting here missing him while hes "doing stuff". He used to be like me and want to spend every minute of every day with me so you can see y im worried...and u can see y it makes me feel less loved than i use to. I dont no. Its just been worrying me for a while and i dont no wot to do. We have started arguing a lot more recently and we dont seem to spend any "quality time" together (i dont count travelling to college or being at college quality time as we cant do wot we want) at all, only half an hour in an evening. We never go out and he never seems to want to spend any more time with me. He says he misses the "quality time" too but doesnt seem bothered enuf to make time for it.
I hoped it was a phase but its been going on a while now, with each week a fraction worse than the last. He just seems so negative these days. ALso, im not used to not spending as much time as we can together....i just feel like im sitting here missing him while hes "doing stuff". He used to be like me and want to spend every minute of every day with me so you can see y im worried...and u can see y it makes me feel less loved than i use to. I dont no. Its just been worrying me for a while and i dont no wot to do. We have started arguing a lot more recently and we dont seem to spend any "quality time" together (i dont count travelling to college or being at college quality time as we cant do wot we want) at all, only half an hour in an evening. We never go out and he never seems to want to spend any more time with me. He says he misses the "quality time" too but doesnt seem bothered enuf to make time for it.
same here. When I was reading that I thought "thats me, exactly that". Although my bf is feeling really miserable right now. He thinks his family don't want him around, he thinks he's got no mates, no life. He is displaying all the symptoms of depression. He told me he just doesn't know what he wants anymore. So I told he that we need time apart so that he can find himself and find out what he wants. We've been together 4 years and I couldn't ask for anyone more perfect than him. He's funny, spontaneous, affetionate, caring, sensitive, i love him to bits. But whatever he decides I just have to grin and bear it, I refuse to beg. There is no point hanging on to someone that doesn't want what you want. Talk to your bf and find out what he wants and maybe suggest a break. That way it may make him realise what he'd be losing if you were to break up.
I can totally relate. When I met the guy I'm kinda with (it's complicated) I would eat 2 meals a week and keep myself going with drugs the rest of the time. I was losing weight consistently and now I binge eat. He likes control and the emotional rollercoaster he puts me on to achieve this pushes me too far.
It's all gone on my tummy and I feel like if I dump him no one will want me cos I'm fat and horrible. He used to pat my tummy and say he loved stomachs, he'd make a meal out of the build up to sex but now he makes out sex with me is a chore. If he feels like that no one else will want me- thats what I think anyway!
I'm slowly taking steps on my own and you should too. I have joined the gym which is strange and I'm going to race for life this year. I want to do things for myself not depend on him to validate me. I suggest you do something similar, I'm not focusing on weight loss though just getting fit so I can manage my binge eating a bit better. I try to keep a compliment in my mind whenever I get one to make me feel better and avoid standing in front of the mirror for long periods.
Dunno if this is constructive but it's helping me
It's all gone on my tummy and I feel like if I dump him no one will want me cos I'm fat and horrible. He used to pat my tummy and say he loved stomachs, he'd make a meal out of the build up to sex but now he makes out sex with me is a chore. If he feels like that no one else will want me- thats what I think anyway!
I'm slowly taking steps on my own and you should too. I have joined the gym which is strange and I'm going to race for life this year. I want to do things for myself not depend on him to validate me. I suggest you do something similar, I'm not focusing on weight loss though just getting fit so I can manage my binge eating a bit better. I try to keep a compliment in my mind whenever I get one to make me feel better and avoid standing in front of the mirror for long periods.
Dunno if this is constructive but it's helping me
Wow u are in the same position as me! My bf doesnt no wot he wants to do, doesnt want to do school work, doesnt want to go to uni any more, doesnt no wot he wants and thinks hes useless. He's everything ur bf is as well, and like u, i refuse to beg. Ur advice is brilliant, altho im not keen on the potential outcome...the situation ur in. Thank u for ur advice, its nice to no im not the only one going through this.
That last reply was to sexy_bum2 but ro-ro, ur advice is brilliant too. I feel so below him at the moment, like i hide behind him and no one takes me seriously, im just "his girlfriend". Thank u for ur advice, i really needed it!
Anonymous
Wow u are in the same position as me! My bf doesnt no wot he wants to do, doesnt want to do school work, doesnt want to go to uni any more, doesnt no wot he wants and thinks hes useless. He's everything ur bf is as well, and like u, i refuse to beg. Ur advice is brilliant, altho im not keen on the potential outcome...the situation ur in. Thank u for ur advice, its nice to no im not the only one going through this.
First of all, don't be so quick to take some of these people's advice.. especially the reply regarding breaking up (jennybean).
Why has your bf 'changed'?
'. Hes changed a lot too, hes gone very quiet and gets pissed off with everything. He used to be a real joker. I on the other hand have lightened up a lot since i met him, and am no longer so shy, quiet and work-focused. '
There must be some reason why he has become quiet and what looks like easily irritatible. Any ideas? Has he been doing anything different in his normal routine that could affect his behaviour?
I don't know, he says its because hes grown up, matured etc. he goes into dazes where he doesnt hear a word i say, hes just in his own little world. I really dont know. we had a long late night conversation about it wen i couldnt hold it in any longer. He asked me if was no longer in love with him because hes not the same person i fell in love with. I told him that of course i loved him but maybe im just in love with the old him. What if im hanging on to a memory and this new him is here to stay? I dont know wot to do.
He realised i was upset tonight at Explorers (we run it together) but told me he wood talk to me in the morning, Just to avoid the hassle i feel. He is now talking to me on msn saying its my fault we dont see each other enough because im doing my homework. I just dont know what to say, i so often choose seeing him over doing my homework that my grades have dropped and im really struggling this year. He just doesnt see how he can be wrong. He always turns it round on me.
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