The Student Room Group

End of relationship with mother

After 9 years of fighting, and at the age of 20 the relationship between my mother and I is now over. It seems to be over a cumulation of events including violence and betrayal over the years. I've decided to cut her out of my life and need reassurance that this is the right decision.

From a young age, around 11 my mother and I began arguing fiercly. She began to use violence against me despite not having hit/smacked me as a young child. I thought this was just part of a normal angry mother-teenage daughter relationship. As I got older 14/15 I started being violent back. At 17 I punched my mother in the face after much provoking but ofcourse regretted it immediately and have never retaliated to her violence since.

Psycholgically she taunted me that I must be thick for having to study for so many hours/ would throw my notes out of the window/critiscise my physical appearance. I'm not saying I'm whiter than white as I would give it back. She would exclude me from evenings out and take her work mates especially those who were of a similar age to me out for dinners/out to bars. Yet if I would suggest her and I go out she would appear disinterested.

Her partner of 2 years(an uneducated toyboy whom she secretly married before introducing to us) has been violent towards both me and my 15 year old brother. The violence between my brother and her partner escalated to include many other people and the use of weapons. Consequently neither of us like this 'partner' who has taken thousands of pounds off her (despite us not being very well off in the first place) and cannot stand to be near him. She broke up with this person 5 months ago and we thought that was it. We've found out she was back with him. My brother moved out and now is living on friends sofa's while going to college and I am at uni away from home. She blames me for my brother leaving and has told me never to speak to her again.

Should I give up with this woman? I feel like she has killed all my love.
btw contact I have with father is minimal
I know what you mean, you'll find a few people on here with similar problems :wink: :hugs:

:frown:

I don't speak to my estranged mother anymore, she pretty much left us and dropped all responsibility when I was 16 (not to mention, she gave me a camera for my 15th, then after an arguement more than a year later, called the Police and reported it as stolen, I'm completely serious. She's crazy).

Anyway here's a big hug :hugs: Man we should start some sort of society.

I say - forget her negative influences, remember the positive things people have told you, and you will score high :cool:
Well done, I admire you for being able to do that. How's your brother in all this?
:hugs: Maybe one day you and she can form some kind of friendship, until then - be strong.
*Oh and she ended up taking the camera too, which was like my first and only present from her - ever :smile:

EDIT: K that's not important lol, anyway I hope you're ok now. Just forget her, you have my sympathy x x
Reply 4
Thanks for support so far.

Bro is currently trying to find out if he is entitled to any benefits i.e housing benefit
Reply 5
Aww :hugs:

I think I might have a different cultural upbringing but here's my take

It is NOT your fault for your brother leaving home. It sounds like a sensible decision, but the problem is his wellbeing and studies at college - he should tell the college that he isn't at home and why. They can't get involved don't worry, but they can ensure he is kept safe by helping him arrange fulltime living (a friend's or relative's?).

The situation with your mother is dire. There is no excuse for a mother to hit her child for whatever reason except discipline. Nor is there an excuse for a child to have such disrespect and lack of control as to hit their parent. BUT you were both in difficult situations.

Your Mum might be upset that you are now "All grown up" at 20, and that you ARE intellegent (You must be if you study!!). I don't think you can assume it is all over, but you should both be thinking about what you want from each other. That is, basically love and support.

We all say things we regret at times, and maybe this is one of them for your mother. Deep down she WILL still love you although its hard to tell, and she can't help it.

You must make your own decision on what to do next, you need to remember that Time really is a great healer. If you were to both spend time cooling off would it be beneficial?

As this has been going on for a long time, and you are grown, you are mature enough to take professional steps, counselling for example, if you really still want to get on with your mother.

It is not your fault, any of this, but I'd strongly suggest you go and see a GP and tell them what has happened. They can help you by giving you some sort of coping strategy, something to help you sleep if you ask for it, and guide you into finding a counsellor for you and your Mother to go to jointly or separately. It is entirely under your control and entirely up to you.

Whatever decision you make will be the right one
Anonymous
Thanks for support so far.

Bro is currently trying to find out if he is entitled to any benefits i.e housing benefit
Get rent assistance! :smile:

Feel free to PM, gotta go to work now but I'm sure he'd be entitled to it, the forms are pretty easy once you know how. I can help you if you want, they make it difficult but it's pretty straight forward x x x
:frown:

i'm sorry to hear that. i have a lot of problems with my mother as well, especially since it's just me and her in the family and it tends to get painfully suffocating.

perhaps keep a distance from her without completely cutting her off. leave the door open in case she wants to finally reach out or apologise or if you want to try and patch things up again. it might take a while for those to happen so perhaps you shouldn't expect too much so that you don't feel as hurt.