This may all seem rather trivial. I honestly can't say. But what I do know is that I need to vent some ideas over the internet - it seeming the appropriate place.
Today (yes, despite the lingering snow) I'm going out to lunch with my ex girlfriend. Put simply, I'm suffering from anorexia nervosa. I promised her, and myself, and my mother (I'm in therapy etc, just so you all know) that I would go to the cafe and eat something. Something normal that is, as opposed to fruit or something.
Try as I might to imagine it any other way, I'm petrified at the very thought of consuming anything. Maybe it is trivial, but I don't want to sit there and openly admit my own failure by meekly smiling and ordering fruit when I SAID I was going to have something more substantial.
You can understand, perhaps, what a retrograde step this would be for somebody trying to recover. Perhaps I set myself far too high of an obstacle too early on in the treatment process? I can't sit there and let myself do this to myself. I look haggard and tired and sallow and thin and I hate it. But the thought of loosing control is even worse. The thought of eating outside of my comfort zones is too much. Ho hum.
But, as that famous Scottish poet once remarked, "but mice isnt fattening, is it?"...or something like that.
P.S. Sorry for my babbling. I'm just having a bloody hard time with all of this (it's very new to me to be officially classed as having a real problem.)