Saving a relationship when you don't know what's wrong?

My relationship is on the verge of collapse and I don't even know why. Neither of us do.

Brief history:
We met online in June 05, met in person in July 05 and got together in October 05. She moved up here to be closer to me in January 06, renting a room and working at the same place as me. We spent pretty much 24/7 together and I moved in with her in March 06. By June she was incredibly home sick, so we both moved back down south with the idea of staying at her Dad's until we got a job/a place of our own. In September she decided to go back to college and moved to her Mum's where there was no room for me. I still didn't have a job so couldn't afford to live anywhere so had to move back north.

For a while we managed to see each other every weekend. I spent all of November at hers, and she stayed here for a week between Christmas and New Year. That was probably one of the best weeks of my life! I spent the second weekend in January at hers, but since then we haven't seen each other. 4 weeks...the longest we've been apart in the 16 months we've been together.

On top of not seeing each other, we also don't seem to know what to say to each other any more. This started off as me being moody and pathetically jealous when she chose seeing her college friends over seeing me, but I have since got over that and I thought we were ok.

I admit I've been pushing her away a bit...I have anxiety and depression, and am teetering on relapsing into bulimia...but I've been trying to let her in more and tell her how I'm feeling, even if she doesn't understand.

We're meeting up in the week because obviously something this important can't be sorted online. I just don't know what to suggest. We can't see each other more, because neither of us have any money right now. I should hopefully get a job soon, but she says she needs to know when she's going to see me...and I haven't got any answers to that.

We also can't force conversation when neither of us know what to say. I never really have anything to say when I'm struggling with anxiety...it's one of the things I have most problems with, but she's never been like this before. And she's talkative enough with everyone else...it's just me.

Does anybody have any suggestions? I'd love to be able to take her away for the weekend, or even just a nice meal somewhere for Valentines Day...but we can't afford it :frown:

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

aww this is a shame it may just be that the relationship has struck trouble because of the distance so unless you can do something about the distance then theres not much hope in it working im afraid this happened with me once couple of years back. sorry

Reply 2

silverbolt

19

your living in each others pockets that could well be the problem, youve spent so much time together that theres nothing left to do. Relationships run thier course it happens there doesnt have to be anything wrong per se,

Reply 3

*starbuck*

OP

1

Things were fine when we lived together though...it's just hard now we're so far apart.

Personally I don't think the distance is a problem. Yes, it's hard, but it's not impossible to deal with. Many people have successful LDRs and there's no reason why we can't too. It'll just take some time to adapt and get used to.

4 weeks is nothing really...not when it comes to trying to save things. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if we didn't try for at least 2-3 months. I just wish she felt the same way.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

well thats your problem right there if she doesnt feel the same

Reply 5

Jennybean

13

Anonymous

well thats your problem right there if she doesnt feel the same

Yeess....unfortunately that's the brutal nature of relationships isn't it; if one person wants out then you can't go on, it doesn't have to be a mutual decision. I know it's very upsetting. I think you need to tell your girlfriend everything you've told us, that you'd like to take her away but you have no money, that you really want to talk to her but you feel anxious which destroys your conversation and that you really want to make things work but you're not sure if she feels the same. Often we want to hear things or see actions from our partner as "proof" of their love and maybe this is what she is waiting for...some proof. But if you can't give it to her for whatever reason, she doesn't know those reasons, she just sees the absence of whatever it was she was waiting for. So you need to tell her that you too want to give her those things and explain the reasons why they never materialised so she doesn't think it's for lack of inclination. If she doesn't respond well to that then I'm really sorry but it sounds like she may feel the relationship has come to its natural conclusion. I hope you get things sorted out though x

Reply 6

*starbuck*

OP

1

You're probably right.

It's funny how people surprise you. I always thought she would have been the type of person to not give up without a fight. Her parents split up without ever really trying to save things, and she always said she'd never do that...yet now she's doing that exact thing.

We're definitely meeting up on Wednesday to talk about things face to face, so I guess it's a case of "watch this space"

Reply 7

L0RA

9

Good luck for Wednesday :smile:

I guess you have to do the thing that makes you both happy. If you feel the relationship is worth saving and that the time you spend with her is worth the heartache of spending time alone then say this to her. When a relationships on the verge of ending its not a good time to keep your feelings to yourself.

I'm sorry you've been feeling depressed and like you said your anxiety hasnt helped things in the relationship but your girlfriend obviously knows about these problems and should understand your reasons for being quiet with her.

Saving a relationship when you don't know what's wrong?

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