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My dad's being ridiculous
Basically my dad is quite old fashioned and conservative and the kind of guy who believes he's 'the head of the family'. He refuses to listen to anything my mum says, and won't compromise on anything. For example, if I want to go out, and my mum says I should be allowed, he'll put his foot down and say no, he doesn't want me to and he's in charge. So I won't go. He's rude to my mum, ignoring her when he feels like it, coming home at the end of the day and telling her to 'serve his dinner.' Sometimes these arguments get out of hand, like my little brother didnt want to eat his vegetables and my dad sat there at the dining table with him for two hours, yelling at him until he ate them. Basically, whatever he wants to do, we all have to do.
Last weekend, we decided we'd had enough and tried to have a chat with him. First he completely flipped out, shouting and screaming and saying we had no respect for him and hated him. Then he suddenly changed and started saying 'Ok, fine, if I've failed you all, I'll leave. If I'm such a failure and you all hate me, I'll go and live somewhere else. I've given you everything and I get nothing.'
We tried to say that we didnt hate him at all, we just didnt like the way he treated us. He ignored us completely, saying stuff like, 'You can take all my money, I'll go and live in a bed and and breakfast.' Then he packed a suitcase and stood at the front door. He said 'If you all obey me, I'll stay. Now do you want me to stay?'
Of course, we had no idea what to say. We said we wanted him to stay but that he couldn't expect us to obey his every word.
He left.
Yesterday he came back home after staying in a bed and breakfast for the week. He's now camped out in the living room because he refuses to share a bedroom with my mum. He won't eat what she cooks, going out to buy takeaways, won't talk to us, and is generally behaving ridiculously.
I don't know what to do.
Listen, my dad is not a bad guy. He loves us and works damn hard for us; he just has completely different ideals. I don't know if we did something wrong; he claims we 'kicked him out of the house.' But what could we have done? Surely he's being unreasonable expecting us to obey his every word?
He keeps saying we are all ganging up against him, but it's just that we feel he's been treating us badly. All I want is for him to listen to what we want and respect that.
Please help!
Last weekend, we decided we'd had enough and tried to have a chat with him. First he completely flipped out, shouting and screaming and saying we had no respect for him and hated him. Then he suddenly changed and started saying 'Ok, fine, if I've failed you all, I'll leave. If I'm such a failure and you all hate me, I'll go and live somewhere else. I've given you everything and I get nothing.'
We tried to say that we didnt hate him at all, we just didnt like the way he treated us. He ignored us completely, saying stuff like, 'You can take all my money, I'll go and live in a bed and and breakfast.' Then he packed a suitcase and stood at the front door. He said 'If you all obey me, I'll stay. Now do you want me to stay?'
Of course, we had no idea what to say. We said we wanted him to stay but that he couldn't expect us to obey his every word.
He left.
Yesterday he came back home after staying in a bed and breakfast for the week. He's now camped out in the living room because he refuses to share a bedroom with my mum. He won't eat what she cooks, going out to buy takeaways, won't talk to us, and is generally behaving ridiculously.
I don't know what to do.
Listen, my dad is not a bad guy. He loves us and works damn hard for us; he just has completely different ideals. I don't know if we did something wrong; he claims we 'kicked him out of the house.' But what could we have done? Surely he's being unreasonable expecting us to obey his every word?
He keeps saying we are all ganging up against him, but it's just that we feel he's been treating us badly. All I want is for him to listen to what we want and respect that.
Please help!
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he sounds like a spoilt child, who has to prove a point by getting in a bad mood for several days or refusing things whenever someone undermines him, and can't accept the fact that he may be wrong on main issues (ie. controlling the house). sure, he may pay for the house, but in my opinion he has no right to be so childlike, and there is no reason to give his wife such a hard time, other than the fact that he can, and she can't do anything about it, because if she does he gets in a bad mood and makes the house generally unworkable. Compromise is probably unlikely, as if his approach is not undertaken he is likely to throw his toys out of the pram. in fact, he sounds exactly like my dad.
great guy, no doubt, and a nice person at heart, but when it comes to the above issues, he can be a pain in the ass. i personally think there is nothing you can do. accept it, and move out when you can. there really is no compromise. the only possible compromise was before your mum and your dad had kids (for instance), because your mum would have held a lot more power (i.e. your dad would have to work to keep her), and could quite easily leave him. but now, that (probably) means divorce and a very emotional time ahead, which i doubt she wants or any of her kids want.
however, there may be the possibility of really shocking him, by all grouping together and not talking to him for 2 months or something, but if you are like me, you will find such pathetic gestures incredibly pointless. he left your house knowing he was absolutely crushing the resolve you had previously built up to confront him, which was a pretty good move on his part lol.
great guy, no doubt, and a nice person at heart, but when it comes to the above issues, he can be a pain in the ass. i personally think there is nothing you can do. accept it, and move out when you can. there really is no compromise. the only possible compromise was before your mum and your dad had kids (for instance), because your mum would have held a lot more power (i.e. your dad would have to work to keep her), and could quite easily leave him. but now, that (probably) means divorce and a very emotional time ahead, which i doubt she wants or any of her kids want.
however, there may be the possibility of really shocking him, by all grouping together and not talking to him for 2 months or something, but if you are like me, you will find such pathetic gestures incredibly pointless. he left your house knowing he was absolutely crushing the resolve you had previously built up to confront him, which was a pretty good move on his part lol.
alisama
knowing he was absolutely crushing the resolve you had previously built up to confront him
Oh dear, that sounds like MY dad.
Apart from my mum doesn't complain one iota. And he has really nice spells which unnerve me - followed by mood swings.
I don't have any advice just thought I'd let you know you're not alone. lol.
Apart from my mum doesn't complain one iota. And he has really nice spells which unnerve me - followed by mood swings.
I don't have any advice just thought I'd let you know you're not alone. lol.
I think you should keep trying to reaffirm the message that you will not tolerate him acting the way he is, but also are not trying to 'gang up' on him. Standing up to him like that was a good idea, and keep trying to talk him into accepting a different 'balance' of power. If you can convince your Dad, it may also be an idea to talk to a counsellor with him (not really well informed on this though), so that you understand each other better.
If you don't think that will work, then you should consider what choices you have left. If you believe he is 'bearable', then you'll have to live with it. Otherwise I don't think it's fair to your mum (or you and your brother) to have to put up with that, well you don't have to. But sorting this problem out with him seems the best way.
Good luck
If you don't think that will work, then you should consider what choices you have left. If you believe he is 'bearable', then you'll have to live with it. Otherwise I don't think it's fair to your mum (or you and your brother) to have to put up with that, well you don't have to. But sorting this problem out with him seems the best way.
Good luck
I've been in exactly the same position with my Dad, and in all honesty, we still don't get along all that well. From what you've said, he seems to be having some sort of crisis. Whether it's midlife, identity or problems with work and/or money I don't know. He might be unwell and can't tell you - especially if he's the "conservative type".
Basically, you don't have to live with him forever, although as I've learnt, its best to appease him SLIGHTLY but, like you said, not to OBEY. I think there may be much between your mother and father you don't know about, which might be the root of the cause.
Clearly, he isn't going to be the person you are all going to be able to sit down with and chat about this in a logical, calm manner. The leaving stunt and all that is very much "pity me, pity me" and trying to turn the tables when he was in the wrong. I don't know what you're relationships with him are like, but if they are even remotely good don't put them at risk. No matter what you do, he will always be your Dad, like it or not, conversely, you will always be his offspring.
I guess you will just be about Alevel year and almost ready to leave home within a year or two? Maybe he's having trouble accepting that you and your brother are all grown up and nearly ready to leave.
You must stick together, especially with your brother who seems to be bearing the brunt of the anger - I wish my brother had supported me. He'll value it and will return the favour.
Please don't do as alisama suggests and not talk to him - this will almost certainly give him the excuse he wants to leave, and you will all have serious trouble resolving it from there and it may ultimately result in divorce.
Your Dad doesn't seem to realise that respect is two-way. He has to respect you and you have to respect him. You can't expect unconditional love and respect without returning. Don't say that to him, but it needs to be addressed. As far as "head of the family" goes, it is quite true that he may well be, but that doesn't constitute for his current behaviour.
You, your Mum and brother stick together and support each other. Don't do the big showdown, but a "Family Conference" forced upon him when he's in might do wonders. You should plan what you want to say and achieve EG: Find out why he's behaving like this; why did he feel the need to shout for 2hrs at your brother over such a petty thing as vegetables? Does he see there is another way?
If you plan it you get structure, and there is less chance of an argument developing. Tell him he's got to TALK not shout, or you'll all walk out of the room and stop listening.
You know your Dad better than anyone else, so you and your Mum & brother will know how best to approach this.
It may well take a very long time, but there are people, and professionals, that can help you all.
Then again, it might all just blow over...
Approach this matter tentatively and Good Luck
Basically, you don't have to live with him forever, although as I've learnt, its best to appease him SLIGHTLY but, like you said, not to OBEY. I think there may be much between your mother and father you don't know about, which might be the root of the cause.
Clearly, he isn't going to be the person you are all going to be able to sit down with and chat about this in a logical, calm manner. The leaving stunt and all that is very much "pity me, pity me" and trying to turn the tables when he was in the wrong. I don't know what you're relationships with him are like, but if they are even remotely good don't put them at risk. No matter what you do, he will always be your Dad, like it or not, conversely, you will always be his offspring.
I guess you will just be about Alevel year and almost ready to leave home within a year or two? Maybe he's having trouble accepting that you and your brother are all grown up and nearly ready to leave.
You must stick together, especially with your brother who seems to be bearing the brunt of the anger - I wish my brother had supported me. He'll value it and will return the favour.
Please don't do as alisama suggests and not talk to him - this will almost certainly give him the excuse he wants to leave, and you will all have serious trouble resolving it from there and it may ultimately result in divorce.
Your Dad doesn't seem to realise that respect is two-way. He has to respect you and you have to respect him. You can't expect unconditional love and respect without returning. Don't say that to him, but it needs to be addressed. As far as "head of the family" goes, it is quite true that he may well be, but that doesn't constitute for his current behaviour.
You, your Mum and brother stick together and support each other. Don't do the big showdown, but a "Family Conference" forced upon him when he's in might do wonders. You should plan what you want to say and achieve EG: Find out why he's behaving like this; why did he feel the need to shout for 2hrs at your brother over such a petty thing as vegetables? Does he see there is another way?
If you plan it you get structure, and there is less chance of an argument developing. Tell him he's got to TALK not shout, or you'll all walk out of the room and stop listening.
You know your Dad better than anyone else, so you and your Mum & brother will know how best to approach this.
It may well take a very long time, but there are people, and professionals, that can help you all.
Then again, it might all just blow over...
Approach this matter tentatively and Good Luck
I can recognise my dad in that. The strop and the 'expecting people to obey his every word'. It did get a bit dramatic at times... Once when me and my brother were 16 he told us we should have jobs and earn our keep and tried to take us into town when he went to work at 6.30am to 'get jobs'. We finally managed to persuade him (very tiredly) that nowhere would be open, let alone offering employment, at 6.30am, but it was a close call.
But then you do have to remember that they are a different generation. Their dads were probably head of the household and noone questioned it. They are the last generation of 'men as leader' I suppose.
I mean my dad usually gets home from work to a hot meal even if my mum has been working all day. She has the attitude that he deserves it and doesn't question, but I am completely different. I suppose I will be the main breadwinner in our household, but I will still expect me and my boyfriend to share chores equally. A lot of my friends feel the same. Its just a different world now.
The strop and the 'expecting people to obey his every word'. It did get a bit dramatic at times... Once when me and my brother were 16 he told us we should have jobs and earn our keep and tried to take us into town when he went to work at 6.30am to 'get jobs'. We finally managed to persuade him (very tiredly) that nowhere would be open, let alone offering employment, at 6.30am, but it was a close call.But then you do have to remember that they are a different generation. Their dads were probably head of the household and noone questioned it. They are the last generation of 'men as leader' I suppose.
I mean my dad usually gets home from work to a hot meal even if my mum has been working all day. She has the attitude that he deserves it and doesn't question, but I am completely different. I suppose I will be the main breadwinner in our household, but I will still expect me and my boyfriend to share chores equally. A lot of my friends feel the same. Its just a different world now.
I think it's clear by everyone's responses that you are certainly not alone in this "type" of Father, although it seems yours has certainly been a bit overly-dramatic with it all.
If your father is anything like mine, the thing that will have gotten to him most about the "chat" you had with him, is the fact that it will have hurt his pride. It's the typical Alpha Male situation. He probably feels like he's lost all his "respect" and "authority" and so thats why he's acted the way he has - he's licking his wounds.
If it was my Dad, when he's watching TV (because if yours is anythign like mine, he'll watch TV all the time - and he'll watch whatever he wants)... bring him a cup of tea or a mug of his favourite drink (coffee or whatever) and just say:
"Look Dad, I'm sorry for what we said, and we certainly shouldn't have let you leave. We all love you so much, and we value everything you do for us... but it would be good if we could just spend more time together as a family without argueing or shouting."
Then it suggests that you would rather he not blow his top all the time and yell at stupid little things, and the cup of tea will butter him up a bit! I don't know...
If your father is anything like mine, the thing that will have gotten to him most about the "chat" you had with him, is the fact that it will have hurt his pride. It's the typical Alpha Male situation. He probably feels like he's lost all his "respect" and "authority" and so thats why he's acted the way he has - he's licking his wounds.
If it was my Dad, when he's watching TV (because if yours is anythign like mine, he'll watch TV all the time - and he'll watch whatever he wants)... bring him a cup of tea or a mug of his favourite drink (coffee or whatever) and just say:
"Look Dad, I'm sorry for what we said, and we certainly shouldn't have let you leave. We all love you so much, and we value everything you do for us... but it would be good if we could just spend more time together as a family without argueing or shouting."
Then it suggests that you would rather he not blow his top all the time and yell at stupid little things, and the cup of tea will butter him up a bit! I don't know...
KaramelRose
If your father is anything like mine, the thing that will have gotten to him most about the "chat" you had with him, is the fact that it will have hurt his pride. It's the typical Alpha Male situation...just say:
"Look Dad, I'm sorry for what we said, and we certainly shouldn't have let you leave. We all love you so much, and we value everything you do for us... but it would be good if we could just spend more time together as a family without argueing or shouting."
Then it suggests that you would rather he not blow his top all the time and yell at stupid little things, and the cup of tea will butter him up a bit! I don't know...
If your father is anything like mine, the thing that will have gotten to him most about the "chat" you had with him, is the fact that it will have hurt his pride. It's the typical Alpha Male situation...just say:
"Look Dad, I'm sorry for what we said, and we certainly shouldn't have let you leave. We all love you so much, and we value everything you do for us... but it would be good if we could just spend more time together as a family without argueing or shouting."
Then it suggests that you would rather he not blow his top all the time and yell at stupid little things, and the cup of tea will butter him up a bit! I don't know...
Absolutely, the best idea. But don't expect it to work, everyone is different and who knows what he's feeling like.
Congratulations on standing up to your dad at last. As long as the 3 of you present a united front he cannot get away with his overbearing behaviour again. If it's impossible to have a sensible conversation with him you could write him a calm and reasoned letter explaining how you all feel. If possible it would be best to involve an outside party, like having family therapy, so that you can all move on.
Anonymous
He said 'If you all obey me, I'll stay. Now do you want me to stay?'
How manipulative.
Anonymous
Oh dear, that sounds like MY dad.
Apart from my mum doesn't complain one iota. And he has really nice spells which unnerve me - followed by mood swings.
Apart from my mum doesn't complain one iota. And he has really nice spells which unnerve me - followed by mood swings.
my dad is exactly like that too!
Thought I'd hop on the bandwagon and tell you that you're not alone, my stepdad was summed up so clearly in what you said.
He's not a bad person, just doesn't see past what he believes to be correct.
Not sure what to advise...if I knew I'd advise myself. Just be strong for your mum and little brother and try not to submit to something you believe to be wrong. It may seem like the easiest thing to do, but at the end of the day it's not right that you should obey his every command. Everyone is equal.
He's not a bad person, just doesn't see past what he believes to be correct.
Not sure what to advise...if I knew I'd advise myself. Just be strong for your mum and little brother and try not to submit to something you believe to be wrong. It may seem like the easiest thing to do, but at the end of the day it's not right that you should obey his every command. Everyone is equal.
sidi
If possible it would be best to involve an outside party, like having family therapy, so that you can all move on.
If this dad is anything like what I've experienced then outside help is an absolute no.. getting other family members involved doesn't work, or even the dad's friends. i remember my mum told my dad's best friend from school to have a word over a couple of things (things were pretty bad at the time), and my dad didn't speak to him again for 10 years. lol.
Do what i did? Do you or does your mum drive (or has your dad stopped that too). My dad is not quite as bad as your dad, but the way we got him to change was by completely underminining his authority. I wanted to go to a friends party, my mum said yes my dad said no, so i just went, my mum made me an early dinner and dropped me off at the party amazingly my dad did;t notice untill i had been gone for about an hour. He was annoyed when i got home, but seeing me still walking and although a bit tipsy i wasn't off my face, he's now more willing to let me go out. Maybe your dad is worried you're gonna end really drunk and taken advantage of or maybe he just needs a reality check and to see that he doesn't have complete control over you.
OP, I dont think any of you are wrong. your dad is right in his way and you are right in yours. i think your dad does try very hard and i guess he is the only one working?
If he is bringing the 'bread' back home then i think he does have a right to show some authority. however i feel there is something wrong with your mom and dad relationship, to me it looks like they hiding something from you.
However, i would just apologise to your dad, at the end of the day, he is your dad. he brought you to this world and thats the biggest gift parents givde to u, its our lives.
Our lives are too short for petty arguments, just compromise with him, talk to him and show him you care for him alot.
If he is bringing the 'bread' back home then i think he does have a right to show some authority. however i feel there is something wrong with your mom and dad relationship, to me it looks like they hiding something from you.
However, i would just apologise to your dad, at the end of the day, he is your dad. he brought you to this world and thats the biggest gift parents givde to u, its our lives.
Our lives are too short for petty arguments, just compromise with him, talk to him and show him you care for him alot.
In all honesty, it sounds like your dad is hugely insecure and is trying to assert any last remaining bit of his authority in the worst possible way. He obviously feels that he is allowed to get away with this behaviour, that it is acceptable, and I think that however hard it may be in the short term, this is what you need to reinforce. In a way it's similar to a toddler: they go past a toy/sweet counter in their pram and then throw a tantrum when they don't get what they want. In a way, your dad leaving is a form of toddler tantrum whereby he's manipulating all the family members to get what he wants...
I'd suggest family counselling, as until he realises what he's doing, it won't improve.
I'd suggest family counselling, as until he realises what he's doing, it won't improve.
He sounds controlling, immature and insecure. He also sounds like a very manipulative person who is clinging to control because of his insecurities. The truth is inside he has horrendous control issues which is why he is like this. Sit him down and talk to him with his current behavious he will lose everyone and he will cast you all into roles of horrendous behaviour (awful children i did my best for/ungrateful wife) because it will be how he perceives you when in face he just needs to relate to you.
Family counselling is my recommendation.
With alot of guys like this (fathers/grandfathers/stepfathers) there is no solution you just live with it until they get too old. It's a cultural thing, so much has changed since he was your age and he was probably one of the more conservative ones (my dad got me to eat vegetables when I was little no problem without two hours of screaming but he also had an affair with my mother and was really naughty as a kid, bit of a rebel). He likes things the way they are so a BIG change like yours makes a point but probably scares him ****less. Might be better to be gradual with your changes.
Family counselling is my recommendation.
With alot of guys like this (fathers/grandfathers/stepfathers) there is no solution you just live with it until they get too old. It's a cultural thing, so much has changed since he was your age and he was probably one of the more conservative ones (my dad got me to eat vegetables when I was little no problem without two hours of screaming but he also had an affair with my mother and was really naughty as a kid, bit of a rebel). He likes things the way they are so a BIG change like yours makes a point but probably scares him ****less. Might be better to be gradual with your changes.
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