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Is what he says true?

The guy I'm with always tells me I'm trampy. I used to be quite bad for sleeping around but I got over it and grew up. Most of my friends are boys though because girls don't generally like me.

The guy I'm with now says this makes me trampy. He won't commit so we aren't officially together but we did have a chat and decide not to sleep with other people then that just sort of dissolved and now there's teasing about how we will quite a bit. Only I genuinely wouldn't, he would, and almost did when he was away last week.

He said I deserved it because when I was really down I went round to my exes house because the guy I'm with won't talk about anything that makes me unhappy and tells me I'm stupid. He also refuses to hug me (hugs are for fags and married people) and I wanted a hug. Nothing happened, I sobbed and sobbed and my ex held me. I told him about it because I lied at the time and said I was going to a girlfriends and I felt so bad.

Now he told me about how he'd literally almost slept with this girl (but her roomy wouldn't leave them alone) and he also confessed to getting off with one of his girly mates THREE WEEKS AGO. Apparently it doesn't properly count because it was just an overenthusiastic drunken thing. I get it in the neck for lying and then confessing because I'm racked with guilt but he ommits to tell me about it and that's ok. Despite the fact he recently told me, without joking, that if he ever caught me with anyone else he'd beat me up to teach me a lesson and if I went to the police he'd do it again.

Also yesterday he said he wasnt doing anything with me or getting me anything and in the office at work I was complaining to one of the guys I work with and we were joking about how much we wanted a curry (there's a curry house opposite our office and when the window is open it smells lush). Then he drew me a bunch of flowers on my workbook and wrote fancy a curry at mine? There was nothing too y'know about it, I made that clear and we went back to his and cooked a curry and then had icecream and sauce. We watched a movie and had a pillow fight and chatted and then he dropped me home. I text the guy I'm with on my way home to say y'know I'll be home soon if you're up can I come in your room for a while and he didn't reply. So I went to bed.

This morning he woke me up to tell me that someone was coming to view our house tonight (they didn't turn up) and on saturday while I'm at work. I said I wanted to meet them and he goes tough ****, you're a trampy little whore so you can meet her when she moves in and walked out of my room leaving me in tears before nine oclock. I text him telling him to get lost was I accepting his decision and that if he did that I would make living together awful. I also asked him why after me doing his washing up for two days he'd left my one plate and all the cutlery for me despite washing everything that was his up. So I left him half the cutlery to wash up tonight. He went mental about how immature I was, how no one would want someone like me.

When he got home from work he told me I was a slag and I was obviously getting with this bloke at work. I told him I wasn't and he said he didn't believe me as I was a deceptive little ho. He said the fact I said I'd come in his room implied I wanted sex and then I didn't come which proved I had already had some. I didn't go in because I got drunk on tuesday night and woke him up and when I didn't see his bedroom light on last night I didn't want to annoy him again. He went on putting me down and saying how untrustworthy I was, no one would be interested, I was a slag, probably full of STDs (I'm not I've been tested- he refuses to be) etc and then proceeded to say the girl he almost got with had fallen out with her roomy (shes visiting from Sweden) so she might come to stay for a couple of days and it would be nice to have a girl to sleep with who didn't repulse him by being a whore for a change. I threw a fluffy oneill boot at him (don't ask) and walked out of his room.

So these are my questions-
Am I trampy?
Do I really deserve no choice?
Is my immature response unreasonable when dealing with a man who doesn't listen and boasts about his preference for girls who are barely legal (hence me)?

Don't point out his not very nice. I know he isn't and I seriously considered moving out and leaving him but I can't do it.

Reply 20

Strictly Business

14

I sincerely do apologise for his behaviour on behalf of our gender. You need to put that fool on ignore. COMPLETELY ignore him; delete his number (he doesn't deserve it), don't do his dishes, don't say good morning or good night and all that ****. Completely ignore his existence.

Reply 21

ro-ro

OP

10

Erm yeh ignoring him is a nice thought but I live with him and will be for the next 3/4 months and so I'd really rather stay with a semi decent homelife or else I'm screwed really!

I'm gonna ignore him for two days anyway til I calm down so he can't use this period to manipulate me. Here's the story now of why i got rid of him...

I got in trouble at college on Friday and was mega upset, like hysterical, talking of running away because I couldn't face my parents. He asked why I was sad and I burst into more tears so he turned back to his computer and didn't bother. Then I calmed down and went to borrow my bus fare to work (I needed to go to a cashpoint after work to get money but I didn't have time before) and he was like only if you tell me why. I finished telling him, including the fact I'd written a letter to my mum explaining why I was running away and apologising saying I loved her, and when I finished he goes but it's ok because you haven't run away and you've sorted out the trouble (true). He couldn't understand that I'd just come within inches of being kicked out of college and losing all my dreams and was pretty shook up.

Then I text my boss saying I was running late with the reason and he was really kind and caring and told off the boys at work for teasing me. The guy I spent valentines day with has a mate we work with who I really like called Spence. So I told Spence what happened and we laughed lots and threw foam at each other (he was drunk in work) and it was lush. I ate a naan bread and Spence laughed at me for saying Naan and I was happy.

After work all the boys made a fuss about me going to the pub and I went and chatted away to them all. Somehow I ended up with people I vaguely knew and Spence and Spence was rapping poetry to me and making me smile loads, he also went to me at one point when we were in a corridor alone 'I like you because you say what you think and you talk lots but it's not usually Bull**** and you know how to listen'. I went off to meet a friend in a different pub and Spence went to a club.

While I was waiting for a taxi home this homeless guy came up and asked if I was pregnant (I'm not). I was mortified and then he asked for money. I text Spence and said 'do I look pregnant to you?' and he said 'you look fit to me no offence'. I said he wasn't too bad himself and then I felt really guilty and I told Annan. He went mental about what a stupid cow I was for accepting compliments and encouraging Spencer. Then he said it was acceptable that he'd almost slept with someone else because of what I'd done talking to Spence.

He was REALLY drunk and he told me to change. So I started changing and he said he didn't like what I put on and picked out one top for me to wear, I didn't like it (it's real skimpy) and said no so he threw it out of the bedroom window and tried to put the hanger in my mouth. When I said no he pushed me against the wall and was talking really calmly telling me if I'd just open my mouth and let him put the hanger in quicklt he'd stop trying to put it in. I said no he was hurting me and he stopped.

Then he accidentally punched me in the face and when I said Ouch he slapped me twice round the face. We then were sat on the bed talking and he said he wanted to have sex but I said I wanted to talk a bit longer. He grabbed hold of the shirt I'd ended up wearing and just ripped it open pulling off ALL the buttons then when I said 'the buttons!' he picked them up and threw them into the corners of the room and hallway shouting 'WHAT BUTTONS, NO BUTTONS FOR YOU!'. He then ripped off my pants and I was like right well it's best to get on with it but inside I was like I'm not sure I want to.

When it was over I went to get a drink and I came back to him shutting the bedroom door. I went in and said did you want a drink and he goes 'Don't be a stroppy cow'. I turned around, walked out and slept in my room.

Today I didn't see him in the morning as I was working and then when I came home I told him to clear up the kitchen and he shouted at me for being unreasonable and then I had a nap because I was tired after last night.

We were sat talking tonight and I said to him 'Why are you so horrid' and he turned to me and said, seriously as well, 'Because I want to see how far I can push you before you break down, it's entertaining to do it.' and I said 'What do you want, for me to kill myself?' and he said 'Yeh I do, it would be an interesting outcome and it wouldn't be my fault because you're weak'. He then went off on one about how as I live with him he's my legal guardian and he has mine and societies best interests at heart. I told him he was selfish and had a heart of stone and then the icing on the cake came. He goes it's ok Anna is coming down for a week in May so I'll get rid of you then. Anna is the girl he almost got with when he went away. My birthday is in May and he knows it, when I asked when he said the start probably, which is my birthday. I told him he was being selfish, that I would go ****ing mental and he said 'I was being unreasonable and could have Spence round but it was different with Anna because I was dirty and Spence wouldn't stay long whereas Anna thought he was amazing so would.'
I ended up getting more and more angry that he was soo disregardful and nasty and in the end I said I was leaving the room now and I wouldn't be sleeping with him anymore. He said don't be silly and I got up and went in my room, leaving the light on in his. I went back in to get my jeans which were on the floor and he said see I knew you'd come back, you can't help it. I just ignored him and picked up my jeans, switched the light he'd switched off back on and walked out.

I'm sick of his lying, cheating with other people, thinking he can shag who he wants in the house he shares with me without me being bothered and then bring me down for talking to guys or flirting. I'm not up for dealing with him drunk and lairy, whereas I used to find it tolerable last night I found it repulsive the same way him having control used to be attractive his motives and attitude disgusts me now. I want someone nice in my life and I can't have that with him hanging in the wings, directing my life and messing it up.

Reply 22

ro-ro

OP

10

ps. turns out spence isn't interested.

Reply 23

Vohamanah

16

C'mon you can't stay with this guy for another 3/4 months.

I know you will have a problem of where to live, so declare yourself homeless. Find your nearest Citizens Advice Bureau and tell them you have to leave your house because of domestic abuse and have nowhere else to live. They will know how the housing authority works and will get you somewhere.

Domestic Abuse is what it is and you have to get out before this horrible person completely destroys you.

Reply 24

Anonymous #2

ro-ro

I love him though and I can't leave him.

Why do people like you insist on staying with men who abuse you? Do you like being abused? Or is it just the drama of it all that keeps you with him?

Reply 25

Vohamanah

16

Some people call it Stockholm Syndrome...

EDIT: Plus she is dependant on the guy anyway. She lives with him, has nowhere else to go, so can't just leave. And she's in an understandably fragile state of mind.

Reply 26

Anonymous #3

I think you should report him to the police for assault. Isolation from friends, controlling nature, verbal and physical abuse-is this what you expect from someone who 'loves' you? Get out now.

Reply 27

sarahmo89

Ok what do we have here:
Domestic abuse - physical and mental
possible rape?

Why don't you just go and stay with your mother?

If you stay with this guy he will make you mentally unwell.

Seriously, being homeless and having your sanity is more important right now than having a roof over your head. This guy doesn't deserve anybody. He's a sadistic ******* and obviosuly thinks of women as his possession for him to do what he likes with.

Just bloody leave him! He tried to put a hanger in your mouth ffs!!

Reply 28

FoeGeddaBowDeet

This is such amazing behaviour from him and submissiveness from you it's hard to believe. Do you have any bruises from the punch or the slaps? if so, go to the police. Do you have nowhere else to go? It doesn't matter, you have to leave that house. Someone else gave good advice r.e. homelessness.

If that's true and you stay as you are, quite frankly you ****ing deserve it. Now be smart and get out.

Reply 29

Vohamanah

16

sarahmo89

Ok what do we have here:
Domestic abuse - physical and mental
possible rape?

Why don't you just go and stay with your mother?

Agreed on first point, but if I remember rightly she doesn't get on with her mother, hence why she is not welcome to stay.

HenvY

If that's true and you stay as you are, quite frankly you ****ing deserve it. Now be smart and get out.

Do you really think anybody deserves that?

Reply 30

FoeGeddaBowDeet

pinkpinkuk

Do you really think anybody deserves that?

if upon conscious recognition(already established) of it she decides to stay, it's practically the same as inflicting it upon herself. It's pure stupidity. Yes, anybody who acts in such a way deserves it. Well, not deserves it deserves it, but it asking for it. If you know what I mean.

Reply 31

ro-ro

OP

10

I can't get any housing benefit because officially my mother and I aren't estranged and as a minor (I'm 17) I'm entitled to nothing unless this is the case. The only way to sort it out other than that would be to go into care for the 2 and a half months until I'm 18 which would rip my family apart and be a lifestyle I couldn't cope with.

However my mother's boyfriend used to hit me and so I would never choose to live her. I'd rather live here with Annan where although he can be violent and scary most of the time it's mind games and he wouldn't come in my room to start something. Plus when he starts something and I don't wanna get involved my friends live on the next road over in our estate and I can leave til he calms down. Which he does. At home there is no one, it's a rural area and if I run off I come home to a much bigger problem. Plus my Mum isn't standing back and watching, the most horrible feeling in the world.

I don't have any bruises or marks from him. He has been violent on three occasions since I moved here and two have been drunk, one has been when an argument got really out of hand. If we aren't together he'll soon realise that he can't do it and anyway regardless of the fact he doesn't fancy me I don't think Spencer would appreciate it.

As for the people who think I'm stupid I can assume here you've never been in the same situation. I have no one and no where to go. It's very easy to say go it alone but I am very scared to.

Reply 32

sarahmo89

Sorry I must have missed the bit where you said you never got along with your mother. I think the laws must be different in Scotland because we can apply for a house when we are 16 up here and get benefits and stuff. Why don't you ask your friends if you can stay with them for a couple months until your 18 and can get your own house and stuff.

What wouldn't Spencer appreciate?? I don't think the concern is what he thinks just now since you are in some pickle!

Reply 33

Llamaaa

15

oh my dear, you don't deserve any of that. Do you not have a friend you can turn to at all? If not you seem to be doing the right thing in keeping quiet and trying to make it bearable for the next few months. But I would say to speak to someone and they could find you a hostel or something. It doesn't sound like you are in a very safe situation. Are you at school? if so they may be able to help you. my school had a house for foreign language assistants and people with difficulties at home could live there too. IS there something similar? When the time comes for you to leave, do so when he is not in the house so that he won't turn violent on you. Could you live with your ex for a while- he seems nicer.

I really hope you are coping with all this. Good luck to you
xx

PS. It was not stupidity that got you in that situation, so ignore those comments. They are just ignorant

Reply 34

ro-ro

OP

10

My college has no accomodation to offer students it all private sector.

I don't want to move. I don't want to live in a hostel or at my mates and have all my stuff in boxes for a few months nor do I want to then wait for six months on a council flat list for somewhere to live by which point I will have left for university. The idea of uprooting myself is horrible. I've not had anywhere proper settled to live for a year and a half and with my a-levels coming up I want to get my head down and work not be worrying about stuff.
I couldn't live with my ex because he lives too far away from my college and he works early mornings at work.

He isn't going to stop me leaving that's not the way he works. It's not about keeping me here against my will to him it's all about playing with my mind so he has control. The times he's been violent it's been once about showing me I can't control a situation and once to see how far he can get me to go only he was drunk so he missed the boundary to stop. The other time I was shouting at him and I sorta slapped his arm and he slapped me hard enough to leave a hand mark and told me not to do it again.

He doesn't want to leave marks or scare me he wants to have control of both our lives. If he can't have that he'll let go. It's just making sure he can't.

Reply 35

Llamaaa

15

you are very strong for handling it the way you are. It may sound silly, but i really admire you. Good luck with everything :smile:

Reply 36

bright star

1

just tell him to **** off and never see him again.

Reply 37

ro-ro

OP

10

Hot lad I don't know you but stay the **** away from me you creep.

Reply 38

guccilittlepiggy

14

ro-ro

My college has no accomodation to offer students it all private sector.

I don't want to move. I don't want to live in a hostel or at my mates and have all my stuff in boxes for a few months nor do I want to then wait for six months on a council flat list for somewhere to live by which point I will have left for university. The idea of uprooting myself is horrible. I've not had anywhere proper settled to live for a year and a half and with my a-levels coming up I want to get my head down and work not be worrying about stuff.
I couldn't live with my ex because he lives too far away from my college and he works early mornings at work.

He isn't going to stop me leaving that's not the way he works. It's not about keeping me here against my will to him it's all about playing with my mind so he has control. The times he's been violent it's been once about showing me I can't control a situation and once to see how far he can get me to go only he was drunk so he missed the boundary to stop. The other time I was shouting at him and I sorta slapped his arm and he slapped me hard enough to leave a hand mark and told me not to do it again.

He doesn't want to leave marks or scare me he wants to have control of both our lives. If he can't have that he'll let go. It's just making sure he can't.

He is abusing you physically and mentally. Its bad now but it will get worst if you stay with him, the longer you stay the more he will try to push you and the impact on the rest of your live will be worst. I think you know that you need to leave, you arn't stupid at all so please don't allow yourself to be treated as though you are. I can sympathise with how you're feeling but honestly you need to get out right now, if you only objection you have to moving is merely inconvinience then by staying you are in a way consenting to being treated like this. you need to at least have a think what it is you would do if you were to move, once you have a plan it will feel better and you will be giving youself at least an option to consider. the choice is yours right now, the only person who can control your life is you. if you were to leave him tommorrow then where would you stay?

Is what he says true?

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