"It's her or me!"

My bfs ex has recently moved back to our area and I don't feel at all comfortable with him seeing her.

We live in a small town, where the nightlife is extremely limited, so at some point in the near future we're likely to bump into her. I've explained how I feel, how it'd make me extremely uncomfortable seeing him being all huggy and friendly with her. I know he still has feelings for her, that much he admits - though he insists he doesn't feel like he used to.

I feel pushed into a corner. I can either pretend I'm fine and 'go with the flow' - be there and watch him rub my nose in it, or I can stand up for myself, which seems to lead me to the "it's her or me" choice.

I don't want to have to make him choose...it's not really fair to put someone in that position, but equally, it's not really fair of him to put me in the position where I feel I have to make him choose. He's kicked up such a fuss about being able to see who he likes and talk to who he likes that I really feel she's more important to him that he's letting on.

I just daren't ask him to choose, because I'm scared he'd choose her. Or he'd say he wasn't putting up with being made to choose, which is effectively the same thing anyway, either way we're off, so either way, he's chosen her.

Is it ever OK to ask someone to choose? Is it fair that he's not taking my feelings into consideration and basically forcing me to feel like I have to ask him to choose? Any advice?

Reply 1

Sausage

Its a tricky situation and you need to assess what YOU think he will react like if you do ask him.

I did the same with my ex and some fancy woman he fancied whilst we was with me and he had a massive go saying how i shouldnt put that on him. I immediately regretted it and said sorry (dont ask me why, seriously) but in the end he said he wouldnt talk to her.

I think, if i was in that situation i would ask him nicely if he would, for you, not to talk to her unless it was necessary because of how uncomfortable it makes you feel and he should understand if it was the other way round, you also wouldnt talk to your ex if it made him feel uncomfortable.

Good luck!

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

I did that. He said that he doesn't appreciate being told how to act or who he can talk to, and that he doesn't want to have to worry when he goes out. He said it's not fair of me to make him feel crap when he hasn't even done anything wrong. Says his actions should not affect me! (Pfft!) He also informed me that he wasn't going to be rude to her, he'll just treat her like her treats everyone.

Grrrr. Slightly annoyed he doesn't seem at all bothered by how this makes me feel. I asked him if he'd just consider my feelings for a moment, he said I should consider his!!! :rolleyes:

I have a feeling this isn't going to be resolved any time soon. :frown:

Reply 3

anjimcflanji

would she have him back? if it's a mutual thing then i'd be more worried, if she doesn't want him anymore then his decision has been made for him.

Reply 4

Tyler Durden

OP: You might not like to hear this, but if he is going to go back to her, you will only ensure it happens more quickly if you try to force some ultimatum upon him. I don't know the details of your relationship, but I'm assuming you're a teenager and you are one of a few gfs he has had (and vice versa) and that you haven't been together for ages. Nothing sounds as though it is written in stone, and what use is a faithful boyfriend if he is itching to get back with an ex?

Basically, my advice is to let him be. It might hurt, but if he likes you enough then he will be faithful and if he doesn't then he won't - regardless of what you do. And as I said, by telling him off and not allowing him to see her you will make yourself seem dull and her seem like the forbidden fruit. Similarly, if you don't seem worked up about her then he will only go back to her if he has genuine feelings - and not just because of the reverse psychology.

Reply 5

Notebooksecrets

Don't forget, its not your boy's fault that she moved back to your town. He didn't purposely put himself in this position.

Has he actually seen her since she moved back, or are you making hugging etc worse by pondering it in your head?