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'You're a great guy, but...'

Jayk's Post-Valentine's Day Rant 2007:

Yes, I might be bitter; yes, this might just be a vent to make myself feel better. Regardless, you lot are going to hear it! :biggrin:

In the last two years - give or take a couple of months - I have attempted a relationship with two different girls who I though I had really connected with. And after the first date, both of them ended with 'You're a great guy; but I'm just not interested!'

So what I want to know is why, when girls want to let a guy down easy, they always say that!?! I totally understand that what they're trying to do is not hurt the guy's feelings; but really, you're just making him feel worse, due to one of two possibilities:

1. They're not a great guy - hence why the girl doesn't want anything beyond what's already happened - and thus this leaves the guy wondering what the hell he did wrong! Seriously; he's completely confounded! He made all the right plays, smiled at the right times, made the girl laugh, maintained eye contact even when she was wearing that stunning low-cut blouse...even spent £20 on some gorgeous - even I, with my lack of floral prowess, thought they were amazing - flowers!* What the hell did he do wrong?

2. You're telling him the truth! He is a great guy! So what's going on?!?!

I know this is probably a gross over-simplification from a woman's point-of-view; but that's how I see it.

So, if you selected option 1 - why not just tell him what he did wrong? Why not explain - carefully and pleasantly worded, of course - why you aren't interested in him? Because, at the end of the day, I think most guys would prefer to be simple disappointed; as opposed to disappointed and totally confounded.

If you selected option 2...well, I'm gonna need some help with that one...ladies? Do you want a guy who isn't great? So you can whip him into shape? Make him a great guy, so you've got some kind of sense of achievement in the relationship? And thus, the guy is even more confused than option 1! Is he to start not being great? Or do girls dislike effort-free relationships? Your thoughts!

*Side note: Just so you know, following the old 'You're a great guy...' with 'Oh by the way; thanks for the flowers!' does not bring back my £20! That's four days worth of food, lady!!!

Side note 2: And yes, before you ask, both the girls who KB'd me were indeed single.

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

Hmm, you don't sound like you have nothing to say for yourself... and from your picture you aren't ugly/fat. Maybe you just had bad luck. 2 girls shouldn't put you off...
I'm thinking maybe you talk too much at these dates? Remember girls love to talk about themselves, and pretending to care is always a winner.

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

And you think you've got problems! I mean, seriously man!

Reply 3

Anonymous #3

It means they enjoyed the night, but you bored them.

Reply 4

HearTheThunder

17

All females must die. That's about it really.

Reply 5

~~hannah~~

4

I'd say there are a few possibilities:
1) they don't fancy you in a sexual kind of way.
2) you are one of those guys that is too nice, girls need excitement.
3) the way you acted implied you might be a little desperate
These aren't meant to be offensive, just possibilities.

Reply 6

Misogynist

18

I'll tell you what. You either need to be good looking, or have money. If you aren't outstanding in either of those categories, you might aswell socially castrate yourself.

Reply 7

Citation

Who ever said men are crueler then women was grossly mistaken and was obviously a women.

If these girls are doing this to you then they're obviously not worth it and you are far too good for them. Just be positive and keep going, it's not worth getting yourself down on the matter. ^_^

Reply 8

Crimson Black

13

Anonymous

Hmm, you don't sound like you have nothing to say for yourself... and from your picture you aren't ugly/fat. Maybe you just had bad luck. 2 girls shouldn't put you off...
I'm thinking maybe you talk too much at these dates? Remember girls love to talk about themselves, and pretending to care is always a winner.

Take it from me, Jayk doesn't talk much - don't get me wrong, he can talk, and he's not shy, so it can't have been that.

Oh, and he's definitely not ugly/fat - but very tall. :p:

I think the basic explanation is that they're not sexually attracted to you. That's not saying you're not sexually attractive. :wink:

Hannah: Jayk ain't desperate, nor does he act that way. Although you might be right about him being too nice... he's a kindly person. :smile:

(In case you're wondering, Jayk's my best friend in RL :redface:

)

Reply 9

Do Chickens Fly

8

A response like that is uninformative and as you said, very unhelpful. The best source of the reason is the person. Consider asking why - what have you got to lose? If they're as nice as they appear to be (in having phrased their disinterest in a semi-positive way), then they will give you an honest answer and you can move on constructively. If they're weak in character, they won't be able to give you a more definite answer, suggesting you probably wouldn't have wanted to date someone like that anyway.

Pondering over it is useless. You'll only suggest a range of equally unlikely possibilities to yourself. Similarly, other people suggesting their possible reasons, would only be demonstating the same pitfall. Ask the girl/girls who gave those responses for a more meaningful explanation so you know you didn't just waste 2 hours of your life entertaining someone only to be given a meaningless remark at its conclusion.

Reply 10

cpj1987

15

The girls might've been telling the truth in 'You're a great guy but I'm just not interested'. People don't fancy every single nice person, there's a much more complex system in place for that (which I can't explain). I know plenty of great guys who I wouldn't go out with, simply because they don't seem like the right person for me; people that I would happily be very close friends with but nothing more.
It's not necessarily a 'kind let-down' approach, it could be a totally honest response.

Reply 11

Schmokie Dragon

17

Jayk Bakner

Jayk's Post-Valentine's Day Rant 2007:

Yes, I might be bitter; yes, this might just be a vent to make myself feel better. Regardless, you lot are going to hear it! :biggrin:

In the last two years - give or take a couple of months - I have attempted a relationship with two different girls who I though I had really connected with. And after the first date, both of them ended with 'You're a great guy; but I'm just not interested!'

So what I want to know is why, when girls want to let a guy down easy, they always say that!?! I totally understand that what they're trying to do is not hurt the guy's feelings; but really, you're just making him feel worse, due to one of two possibilities:

1. They're not a great guy - hence why the girl doesn't want anything beyond what's already happened - and thus this leaves the guy wondering what the hell he did wrong! Seriously; he's completely confounded! He made all the right plays, smiled at the right times, made the girl laugh, maintained eye contact even when she was wearing that stunning low-cut blouse...even spent £20 on some gorgeous - even I, with my lack of floral prowess, thought they were amazing - flowers!* What the hell did he do wrong?

2. You're telling him the truth! He is a great guy! So what's going on?!?!

I know this is probably a gross over-simplification from a woman's point-of-view; but that's how I see it.

So, if you selected option 1 - why not just tell him what he did wrong? Why not explain - carefully and pleasantly worded, of course - why you aren't interested in him? Because, at the end of the day, I think most guys would prefer to be simple disappointed; as opposed to disappointed and totally confounded.

If you selected option 2...well, I'm gonna need some help with that one...ladies? Do you want a guy who isn't great? So you can whip him into shape? Make him a great guy, so you've got some kind of sense of achievement in the relationship? And thus, the guy is even more confused than option 1! Is he to start not being great? Or do girls dislike effort-free relationships? Your thoughts!

*Side note: Just so you know, following the old 'You're a great guy...' with 'Oh by the way; thanks for the flowers!' does not bring back my £20! That's four days worth of food, lady!!!

Side note 2: And yes, before you ask, both the girls who KB'd me were indeed single.

LOL!

Major over simplification. Attraction isn't as simple as "he is a good person, I'll hook up with him".

a) Maybe you wern't her type, looks wise. You could still be very attractive but if you don't tickle her fancy, then sorry.

b) You might have been funny, but not quite her kind of humour

c) You might not have shared interests, despite being an interesting person

d) You may have different values in life (and trust me, girls can tell from the first date)

e) Maybe you tried too hard to be the ideal date and so put her off?

f) Maybe you were too nice, and she didn't get that sense of aggression and adventure that some girls like

g) Maybe, just maybe, she thought you were wonderful . . . but she just didn't get that tug under her ribcage that said "yes, he's the one for me". It's not summut you can really explain, it either happens or it doesn't.

In the end, attraction is not as simple as ticking the right boxes. Manners, conversation and good looks only get you so far. There has to be something more fundamental, more primeval under all of that and without that, things are unlikely to work.

Girls don't want to come out of a date and tear the bloke to shreds with, "well this was wrong, and you could have improved here, and I hated your shoes!". It just seems so arrogant and nasty, esp as the guy might be thinking, "well, you wern't so hot yourself". And if the problem was looks, brains etc, then telling you isn't going to help because;

1) you will probably find someone who likes you at some point anyway
2) it is going to be a big blow to your confidence to be told, "sorry, you just arn't good looking/intelligent enough." And this confidence blow could stop you finding that special someone.

Reply 12

Wangers

16

Anonymous

It means they enjoyed the night, but you bored them.

Thats contridictory....

Reply 13

grace

15

surely you have some girl friends who are attractive and nice, but just don't 'do it' for you?! it doesn't sound like there's any cruelty or malice involved - the fact that they went on dates with you showed that they were willing to explore the possibility of a relationship with you, so they clearly find you attractive and interesting, but they just realised you didn't 'click'.

without meaning to sound harsh: get over it :smile:

. there really are more fish in the sea, you'll catch one someday!

Reply 14

PatchTheCatch

6

I hear that way too often ^^
I just find in general (even though I hate generalisations) women say they want a nice guy to treat them well give them the respect they deserve yet when they get it they end up cheating on him with someone who uses and abuses them, it kinda of disappears as they get older but that is especially true of people around my age.
Just thought I would throw in my two cents

Reply 15

Jayk

OP

1

grace

surely you have some girl friends who are attractive and nice, but just don't 'do it' for you?! it doesn't sound like there's any cruelty or malice involved - the fact that they went on dates with you showed that they were willing to explore the possibility of a relationship with you, so they clearly find you attractive and interesting, but they just realised you didn't 'click'.

without meaning to sound harsh: get over it :smile:

. there really are more fish in the sea, you'll catch one someday!

That's not harsh at all :biggrin:

And I think I am over it; it's just this has kinda been niggling at me since the first girl said it to me; so when it happened to me again, I thought I might explore the reasoning behind it. I just wish they'd've said 'Look, you're really nice and everything but here's why I don't want to make anything of it.' I just needed a bit more explanation!

And yes, of course I have lady-friends who don't 'do it' for me, but then I'm a callous bastard - not really, but hey, I'm feeling in a self-depreciating mood - and if they asked me out, I'd say no, and attempt to tell them why!

Crimson: Thanks for covering my back :wink:

He speaks the truth!!!! :biggrin:

Wangers: Agreed...

Do Chickens Fly: Good advice...I think we're still on good terms (although first girl who said this to me refuses to talk to me any more :s-smilie:

oh look! She's on messenger!! *tries. Fails.*), so I may ask her why at a non-awkward moment.

HearTheThunder: A little negative...but hear hear!!! :wink:

Schmokie Dragon: Yeah, I know it's an over-simplification from a woman's point of view; but as I said, it's how I see it. That's what a rant is, after all! A series of angry statements that have a blatant disregard for anyone else's point of view :wink:

You're points are interesting, though; and I'll have to ask her about them when I take Do Chickens Fly's advice :biggrin:

And my shoes kick arse! (Well, I think they do :wink:

)

Wooo for mass replying :biggrin:

Reply 16

grace

15

Jayk Bakner

That's not harsh at all :biggrin:

And I think I am over it; it's just this has kinda been niggling at me since the first girl said it to me; so when it happened to me again, I thought I might explore the reasoning behind it. I just wish they'd've said 'Look, you're really nice and everything but here's why I don't want to make anything of it.' I just needed a bit more explanation!

you're probably never going to get an explanation like that, because the simple truth is, no one ever knows exactly why some people click and some don't - chemistry! can you explain the reasons why you don't fall instantly in love with every attractive, interesting girl you know? of course not!

i remember there was this guy a while ago who i went on a few dates with, he was lovely and attractive and i really really wanted to feel more for him than i did, because i knew that on paper we'd be perfect for each other, but the reality was there just wasn't enough chemistry and i had to admit enough was enough! he really WAS a nice guy, but there were 'buts' i couldn't quite put my finger on!

just concentrate on being optimistic and having a good social life, developing yourself as a person etc and when you're least expecting it the love of your life will knock your socks off :biggrin:

Reply 17

LadyEnglish

2

Anonymous

Hmm, you don't sound like you have nothing to say for yourself... and from your picture you aren't ugly/fat. Maybe you just had bad luck. 2 girls shouldn't put you off...
I'm thinking maybe you talk too much at these dates? Remember girls love to talk about themselves, and pretending to care is always a winner.

And so that would make him immediately attractive :rolleyes:

OP it sounds like the girl didn't want a serious or long term relationship, maybe you gave the sense of coming on a bit strong. Some girls have predilections about boys if they liked them a bit before going out, and so a couple of months in they realise this boy hasn't lived up to their perceived image of him which is really their loss. You sound like a nice guy, but you can't start getting paranoid about why they broke up with you, some girls do the ol' 'try before you buy' thing, go out with him for a month and if you can't see the relationship growing then you get out without it ever getting too serious. Unfortunately some boys think its long term from the word go.
If i were you id try and be friends with a girl you like for longer, really get to know her. Obvious advice, but usually the best kind. Good luck with everything :smile:

Sorry to ramble :p: