She's perfect, but not my type

Here's my problem. I was wondering if you can have a relationship with someone that you don't find instantly physically appealling? Is it doomed if you aren't physically attracted to them, although you desperately love their personality? I know in a utopian sense, beauty is only skin deep, but how important is it in a relationship? I just don't know if I can rise above my vanity for want of a better word.

I know it sounds like quite an ostentatious post, but it's not as if I feel my relationship is doomed just because her BMI isn't in the perfect range or anything like that. Instead, I believe that she just isn't my type, aesthetically that I fancy. I do realise beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It's just unfortunately the beholder isn't me. I will admit though, that my heart does light up when I see her.

Basically, after all that waffle, all I'm trying to ask is can you grow to find someone more appealling physically, or is it doomed from the start?

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

Beauty is definitely skin deep and probably not all important in a relationship.

It's a novelty that wears out with time, just like any luxury goods you desired for.

Reply 2

wackysparkle

14

do you reckon that you not being physically attracted to her is affecting youre relationship?

Reply 3

p_scrub

I think that's what he's implying.

Reply 4

wackysparkle

14

okay i feel stupid now
hmm

I don't think that it is doomed really --- coz if you love the person --- you will rise from that. And just like you said - you feel that little bit lighter when you see her - clearly you are not truly bugged by the whole physical attraction thing --- i think you will slowly let go of it

Reply 5

IrrelevantQuip

OP

Thanks for the replies. I just think that if she were to learn of my opinion, she would feel unloved or something. If I was being totally honest with her, and told her, I'm sure she wouldn't be too pleased, as you can imagine.
Do you seriously think that it's just about waiting for time to pass, and "letting it go"? I do hope so.

Reply 6

Anonymous #2

Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, I was attracted to him for his personality rather than looks. But the longer ive been with him the more attractive I find him.

I think looks soon fade after a while, especially if the persons personality isnt attracative.

Reply 7

monkeymayhem

IrrelevantQuip

Thanks for the replies. I just think that if she were to learn of my opinion, she would feel unloved or something. If I was being totally honest with her, and told her, I'm sure she wouldn't be too pleased, as you can imagine.
Do you seriously think that it's just about waiting for time to pass, and "letting it go"? I do hope so.

I dont think you should tell her you dont find her attractive-that would really hurt her. I think if you really love her personality you should look beyond her looks. You might find someone who meets your standards of attractiveness but hasnt got an attractive personality. The question is what would you prefer?

Reply 8

IrrelevantQuip

OP

Thanks Anon #2.
Perhaps it's a different situation, if their personality isn't attractive. It's definitely the other way around for me. She has a wonderful personality, so hopefully this will burn brightly, and I'l become less obsessed with looks!

Reply 9

Cyclotron

fat girls look worse naked. sorry, but im being honest. you will hurt her feelings and yours more by pursuing her. i'd say keep her as a best friend

Reply 10

RazMaTaz1

its not about the looks, its about the personality.

Seriously, if shes atleast decent looking, then you should stay in the relationship. No one out their is perfect, everyone has their flaws, if its in looks or personality.

Reply 11

xxsarahjwxx

fat girls look worse naked

and people wonder why girls get eating disorders....

Get to know her more, and love her for the person she is, not whatever you want her to be like. Physical attraction may come later, from loving her rather than just wanting to shag her. Just open yourself up, focus on her inner beauty. Love will do the rest.

Reply 12

khil

15

IrrelevantQuip

Here's my problem. I was wondering if you can have a relationship with someone that you don't find instantly physically appealling? Is it doomed if you aren't physically attracted to them, although you desperately love their personality? I know in a utopian sense, beauty is only skin deep, but how important is it in a relationship? I just don't know if I can rise above my vanity for want of a better word.

I know it sounds like quite an ostentatious post, but it's not as if I feel my relationship is doomed just because her BMI isn't in the perfect range or anything like that. Instead, I believe that she just isn't my type, aesthetically that I fancy. I do realise beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It's just unfortunately the beholder isn't me. I will admit though, that my heart does light up when I see her.

Basically, after all that waffle, all I'm trying to ask is can you grow to find someone more appealling physically, or is it doomed from the start?

My dear, can I please flame you?

I'm sorry, but I feel a need to flame this post... Even married couples don't look beautiful forever and their love isn't going to decrease cus the woman's got wrinkles now is it? So you cheer up around her, you want to hang out with her, but because she isn't as pretty as you want her to be, you're not gonna start anything with her. Do you realise just how stupid that sounds!?

Now, rant over. Do you mean you see her entirely as a friend or do you see her and wanna kiss her/start something with her but you're not simply cus of her looks? Cus like, I love one of my housemates' personality, I even find him good-looking, but I don't fancy him and will never go out with him (not least cus he's engaged to someone else!) - I just don't see him that way. Clicking on a personality-level does not necessarily mean that person is for dating/would be good for you in a relationship.

And as to your question, NO it's not doomed from that start. Looks grow on you. As you like the person more and more you also grow to like their looks, because you start to identify that as "them" - it's who she is, it's HER and that's what matters, and what represents her is special, and you grow to love the way she looks because you associate what you see with that person. I hope I'm making sense here, and I believe in the existence of a soul if that makes things any clearer :smile:

Alternatively, I'm just gonna say, I didn't find my first crush entirely overly attractive - he was average in looks but simply not to my taste but I really fancied him, so I dated him, and after a few weeks I found his looks cute and adorable. Now that I'm over him, again I find him average. And as for my first love and bf, again I find his looks average, but now I see him and I just can't help smiling cus I love him, and I find him absolutely adorable-looking, and really rather sexy :biggrin:

So basically, no, you're not doomed if you don't find someone physically appealling straight away.

Reply 13

SketchyCanvas~

10

Anonymous

Beauty is definitely skin deep and probably not all important in a relationship.

It's a novelty that wears out with time, just like any luxury goods you desired for.

Reply 14

Rhythm

2

IrrelevantQuip

Is it doomed if you aren't physically attracted to them, although you desperately love their personality?

I think you probably already know the answer to this question but don't want to admit it...its a resounding "YES!!". It amounts to the same as asking "is my relationship with this sandwich doomed if I don't like the taste of it?"

Well, duh...

Reply 15

Rouge

ok, can op clarify what he means by not his type, I mean he never anywhere mentions she's unattractive or not pretty, but seems to be implying she has features that could be considered attractive but he's not into.
If there is something about her features which really repel you, like a big nose or sth that others could find attractivve, maybe best for both of you not to pursue the relationship

Reply 16

Trigger

18

You have to fancy your partner for a relationship to work IMO

Reply 17

TempusReborn

Do you actually find herugly or merely a lack of "Take me now" sparks?

Reply 18

IrrelevantQuip

OP

Thanks for all the replies.
Irisng, that's some good constructive criticism, however I think there's a lot based on some inaccuracies. For one I didn't say she was ugly, on the contrary I can see how people find her attractive, and many do. It's just I'm not totally consumed by her allure. And maybe that is a good thing. I don't know, that's why I'm here!

That's basically what I'm hoping for, her "looks growing on me". I do realise it sounds incredibly selfish, but I'd rather be honest and get some good advice, than pretend I'm a perfect guy and get nothing. I just feel like I'm cheating her by trying to commit to a relationship when I'm not really sure of my position. As TempusReborn has said, I have yet to get those "take me now" sparks.

I do really want to have those "sparks", but obviously you can't force these things. Sometimes I think, if this is the case maybe I am in love with a friendship, more than in love with a friend. Please forgive me if I seem a tad obtuse, as it's been a long day.

Reply 19

buttons7

1

it definitely depends on what you mean by not finding her "instantly physically appealing." if you aren't attracted to her at all or actually find her distinctly unattractive then you might need to have a think about what she means to you: i don't know of many successful relationships where the people don't actually find one another physically attractive, although it's definitely a stong base for a friendship. if it's just that you're comparing her to other women and thinking that she's not the-single-most-attractive-person-on-the-planet-that-you've-ever-met-or-maybe-seen-in-a-picture then stop stressing about it. i think most girls would prefer someone to love them for their personality rather than just want them for their looks (i know that's how i feel, anyway). just don't mention it (my ex frequently informed me that he thought i was a bit fat. which i'm not. it really began to piss me off after a while). however, if you actually aren't attracted to her in any way then you could do worse than to just be honest with yourself.

She's perfect, but not my type

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