Failing university.... twiceWatch
A-levels: A*AB in Mathematics,Chemistry and physics
Chose to do mathematics at university as I actually enjoyed it at A-level and felt naturally good at it. I even got a certificate from my sixth-form for my grades and hard-work for it.
1st university: 1st year was ok.
2nd year felt lonely (I guess less friends to talk to), family issues pre-university still on-going and I felt depressed . At the end of 2nd year, I managed to get 69% average.
3rd year, my motivation just went downhill. I had constant family issues, arguments and personal problems. My depression from 2nd year just grew throughout 3rd year. It grew to the point where most of my time in 3rd was dedicated to researching about it. At the end, I got a Diploma. I didn't tell university about the problems I had as I felt too...ashamed/embarrassed to tell them. Tried to get a 3rd year resit and didn't work (looking back now, feels somewhat understandable). As of now, my family still doesn't know about it.
2nd university: Managed to email/phone them through clearing. They allowed me to do Mathematics but at 2nd year. I lived most of my time with 1st years. Didn't really work out as it was just too noisy. My living conditions wasn't good either. I don't know why but I went to the therapist to solve my depression and other issues. She wasn't able to help me in the end. Went to the doctor and all she did was gave me more anti-depressant dosage. And that didn't help either. Family arguments got worse to the point where we don't talk to each other any more.2nd University has known about this and had currently offered to suspend my studies.
Current situation: 22 years old as of now. Haven't replied to 2nd university about my decision. I believe I will no longer be able to get financial support from student finance. I will be living with my relatives. Still depressed.
Current thoughts: Not sure what to do right now. When it comes to future career.. well during my 1st uni, I did a programming course and I really liked building code. But all I have done in my life is study study study. Worked at a few festivals as a bartender during a couple summer holidays. At the same time, I feel like I have the potential to do really well at university and get at least a 2.1 .
Any constructive advice/opinions is very much appreciated.
You say you're depressed and have suicidal thoughts; I know how rough that can be. Are you seeing a doctor? If your current one doesn't help then ask to see a different one. Antidepressants can help some people with depression but they're not for everyone. If you want to try increasing the dose or asking for a different one then ask to do so, maybe it will help. Another thing you can do is to ask your doctor for a referral for CBT. It's a therapy that attempts to change your faulty thinking patterns and tackle depression that way. You could try the online CBT course MoodGym online in the meantime if you want to get a flavor of it.
But yeah, you sound intelligent. A 69% average in mathematics is pretty awesome, don't let your mental health cause you to perform at less than your best. I'd say take the time out, focus on getting better, then go back renewed and able to do your best. I hope you feel better soon.