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My girlfriend won't talk to me..
I don't mean literally that she's ignoring me, but she finds it really difficult to communicate her feelings and open up to me. I've known from the start of our relationship that she's a very private person, not particularly social, keeps herself to herself. I guess I assumed that if you were with someone who you trusted and cared about you would be able to overcome shyness to some extent, but we've been together almost 4 months and there hasn't been much change.
The situation isn't helped by the fact that she's my first gf and I got a litle bit carried away early on, tried a bit too hard to be the perfect attentive bf with the end result that over the christmas break when we didn't see each othe for almost a month we had a bit of a falling out over something stupid ,and I realised that I'd been a bit clingy, and she agreed. So having established this I was determined to be more chilled out and relaxed in 2007, take things at a pace she was comfortable with, but so far this year we've only spent any time together alone once, and it was way back in early December that anything remotely physical happened.
Basically, I'm frustrated, there seems to be a fair bit of evidence that my gf doesn't actually want to be with me that much, she doesn't depend on me emotionally or physically, she doesn't give any indication whatsoever that she even likes me. ( in the whole time we've been together I can't remember a single compliment she's given me or occasion where she's initiated communication ) Surely there's only so much of this that can be explained by her being shy and reserved? But if she doesn't want to be with me then why hasn't she ended it already? The trouble is, asking her about the state of our relationship and telling her things I'm concerned about would definitely count as being clingy and unrelaxed, so I'm reluctant to do that for fear of driving her even further away.
Some of my friends tell me I should just accept that we are very different people and give up on her, I'm very open about stuff and like spending time with people, things she will never be. But I do have such strong feelings for her, I can't bring myself to give up on her yet because in so many ways she's brilliant. However, at the moment being with her is making me more miserable than happy because I'm not sure that she's getting anything from being with me at all, and worse, I'm not sure if she even cares.
Any thoughts and suggestions would be welcome, realise this is all very angsty and OTT but hey, what are online forums for if not to splurge the things that keep you awake at night to fellow students?
The situation isn't helped by the fact that she's my first gf and I got a litle bit carried away early on, tried a bit too hard to be the perfect attentive bf with the end result that over the christmas break when we didn't see each othe for almost a month we had a bit of a falling out over something stupid ,and I realised that I'd been a bit clingy, and she agreed. So having established this I was determined to be more chilled out and relaxed in 2007, take things at a pace she was comfortable with, but so far this year we've only spent any time together alone once, and it was way back in early December that anything remotely physical happened.
Basically, I'm frustrated, there seems to be a fair bit of evidence that my gf doesn't actually want to be with me that much, she doesn't depend on me emotionally or physically, she doesn't give any indication whatsoever that she even likes me. ( in the whole time we've been together I can't remember a single compliment she's given me or occasion where she's initiated communication ) Surely there's only so much of this that can be explained by her being shy and reserved? But if she doesn't want to be with me then why hasn't she ended it already? The trouble is, asking her about the state of our relationship and telling her things I'm concerned about would definitely count as being clingy and unrelaxed, so I'm reluctant to do that for fear of driving her even further away.
Some of my friends tell me I should just accept that we are very different people and give up on her, I'm very open about stuff and like spending time with people, things she will never be. But I do have such strong feelings for her, I can't bring myself to give up on her yet because in so many ways she's brilliant. However, at the moment being with her is making me more miserable than happy because I'm not sure that she's getting anything from being with me at all, and worse, I'm not sure if she even cares.
Any thoughts and suggestions would be welcome, realise this is all very angsty and OTT but hey, what are online forums for if not to splurge the things that keep you awake at night to fellow students?
Reply 1
Anonymous
Basically, I'm frustrated, there seems to be a fair bit of evidence that my gf doesn't actually want to be with me that much, she doesn't depend on me emotionally or physically, she doesn't give any indication whatsoever that she even likes me. ( in the whole time we've been together I can't remember a single compliment she's given me or occasion where she's initiated communication )
Basically, I'm frustrated, there seems to be a fair bit of evidence that my gf doesn't actually want to be with me that much, she doesn't depend on me emotionally or physically, she doesn't give any indication whatsoever that she even likes me. ( in the whole time we've been together I can't remember a single compliment she's given me or occasion where she's initiated communication )
I'm curious, if she's given no sign at all how did you get together in the first place? a relationship is a two way thing, you both gotta be into each other.
At the moment you sound like a bit of a walk over. She's basically just pushing you away, but you keep going back. You shouldn't stand for this, just walk away and find something that's worthy of your time. And maybe she'll even respect you a little more for that.
As to her being shy & reserved.. yes it's a factor, and it may or may not be why she is like this and making you miserable. But meanwhile before you figure this out, which it is highly uncertain you ever will, what you're actually doing is making excuse after excuse for her.
The question is a simple, practical one: do you want to spend your precious time not in a real relationship but in a kind of one sided, fantasy struggle for sanity?
Reply 2
be true to yourself !!!!!!!/ be who you are if she does not like it then she is not the right person for you and you are wasting your time
Reply 3
OMG you sound so much like my boyfriend, it's creepy. Only I think he complains unfairly, whereas you have good reason. My boyfriend says I don't show him as much affection as he shows me, yet we've been together less than 2 months and we've had sex, I've told him I really care about him etc etc, he just would prefer it if I was more 'forward' and initiated sex, kissing, foreplay from time to time. Your girlfriend sounds like she genuinely isn't making any effort. Do you mean she has never even texted/phoned of her own accord? You haven't done anything physical since December? That doesn't sound right. I am a reserved person but I still text my bf all the time and I like/want physical contact. But then why would she be with you if she didn't like you?
NAME EDITED DUE TO POSTER FORGETTING TO USE ANNON
I got into a similar situation with my now ex. It was hard because I was at uni and she was back home working, and it was my first proper gf, and only her second bf. We found it harder and harder to have a good talk, and attraction and communication waned. We kept it going way longer than we should have, way longer. My advice if you situation sounds anything like that is to have a good talk, and if theres a chance its not going to work, it probably wont. Not sure if thats any use, but thought it might help.
Min
I got into a similar situation with my now ex. It was hard because I was at uni and she was back home working, and it was my first proper gf, and only her second bf. We found it harder and harder to have a good talk, and attraction and communication waned. We kept it going way longer than we should have, way longer. My advice if you situation sounds anything like that is to have a good talk, and if theres a chance its not going to work, it probably wont. Not sure if thats any use, but thought it might help.
Min
Reply 6
Anonymous
Do you mean she has never even texted/phoned of her own accord? You haven't done anything physical since December? That doesn't sound right. I am a reserved person but I still text my bf all the time and I like/want physical contact. But then why would she be with you if she didn't like you?
No, not a single phone call (she hates talking on the phone to anyone- she really is very much a private person), i think 3 text messages in the whole time we've been together- we mostly chat over messenger, but its always me who initiates it.
In the first six weeks, physically things were progressing, slowly but surely, like intense kissing sessions, she took her top off a few times, I think I gave her an orgasm with my hand once (can't be sure- very sexually inexperienced ,I am), but it was all good, felt really nice being close to someone like that. but in the very few times we've seen each other since before chrismtas its been strictly quick pecks upon meeting and saying goodbye. I obviusoly don't want to pressure her in this respect because thats a rubbish thing to do, but it is a little frustrating to be moving forward, only to stall, and if anything start moving backwards!
Reply 7
We got together at a Halloween pub crawl, after we'd known each other for a few weeks through a uni society, and chatted online etc. I was really attracted to her from the beginning, but it took a fair bit of time (and alcohol) for me to pluck up the courage to ask her out, she said yes, we kissed, the perfect fairytale start to a relationship. We hung out together a few times that first week, everything seemed to be going well so after about a week I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend, she said yes. We saw each other fairly regularly last year, not as much as I would have liked, probly once a week on average. Then in mid December we parted for christmas, on reasonably good terms, but I was already a bit worried about her lack of enthusiasm compared to mine.Various things have kept us apart so far this year, exams, illness etc. but she doesen't seem to have a problem with it, its almost as though she's content with the way things are, not spending time together and not really talking that much. Unfortunately that kind of contradicts the whole concept of being in a relationship! its very exasperating. I've tried asking her what she wants from me, but she never really says anything, I ask her if If there's somethign wrong and she says no (apart from the clingy incident ). So I don't know what to think. I quite want to just ask her straight "DO you actually want to be my girlfriend?" but a small part of me thinks that I'm over worrying about the whole situation, and asking that is pretty much going to prove to her that I'm totally neurotic and clingy and not at all relaxed.
One thing that makes me more reluctant to end it is that it is my first semi-proper relationship, and hers. I was her first kiss even, and she was 19. I'm not saying thats a bad thing but it does give an indication that she really has no experience with men whatsoever, and that isn't her fault, maybe she really just doesn't know how to be someone's girlfriend? I realise that I'm making excuses for her and I should stop, alots of my friends have said that they can't believe how long I've let her treat me like this without ending it, they would have got out weeks ago. I like to think I'm more patient than most, and I can;t help but think that if I give up on her, who else is going to stay the distance? Maybe I've got a Knight in shining armour complex but I honestly feel that someone should love her, she's really lovely in so many ways. I don't want to say I pity her, but I just really really really want her to be happy. SO admitting that it isn't going to work between us is like admitting that I can't make her happy, which would kinda bruise my ego if I'm honest.
One thing that makes me more reluctant to end it is that it is my first semi-proper relationship, and hers. I was her first kiss even, and she was 19. I'm not saying thats a bad thing but it does give an indication that she really has no experience with men whatsoever, and that isn't her fault, maybe she really just doesn't know how to be someone's girlfriend? I realise that I'm making excuses for her and I should stop, alots of my friends have said that they can't believe how long I've let her treat me like this without ending it, they would have got out weeks ago. I like to think I'm more patient than most, and I can;t help but think that if I give up on her, who else is going to stay the distance? Maybe I've got a Knight in shining armour complex but I honestly feel that someone should love her, she's really lovely in so many ways. I don't want to say I pity her, but I just really really really want her to be happy. SO admitting that it isn't going to work between us is like admitting that I can't make her happy, which would kinda bruise my ego if I'm honest.
You sound like a fairly nice guy 
Well, have a good chat with her and why don't you give her the option of breaking up with you? - say you don't wanna break up but you have reasons to believe she does and you're making things easier. How about give her the option of writing down her thoughts and feelings in a letter and giving it to you when she's done?
Maybe she simply isn't for you? You sound like you need an outgoing girl.
Well, have a good chat with her and why don't you give her the option of breaking up with you? - say you don't wanna break up but you have reasons to believe she does and you're making things easier. How about give her the option of writing down her thoughts and feelings in a letter and giving it to you when she's done?Maybe she simply isn't for you? You sound like you need an outgoing girl.
Reply 9
irisng
You sound like a fairly nice guy Well, have a good chat with her and why don't you give her the option of breaking up with you? - say you don't wanna break up but you have reasons to believe she does and you're making things easier. How about give her the option of writing down her thoughts and feelings in a letter and giving it to you when she's done?
Maybe she simply isn't for you? You sound like you need an outgoing girl.
Well, have a good chat with her and why don't you give her the option of breaking up with you? - say you don't wanna break up but you have reasons to believe she does and you're making things easier. How about give her the option of writing down her thoughts and feelings in a letter and giving it to you when she's done?Maybe she simply isn't for you? You sound like you need an outgoing girl.
That does sound like sensible advice- but I'm still worried that its really a fundamentally very clingy thing to do. Telling her that I seriously think there's a strong possibility that she doesn't want to be with me could make her think I'm totally crazy, if indeed she really does have no problem and is totally oblivious to the unusualness of our situation, and is just naturally this shy. But then I guess its far better that she knows how I feel. But I've already shared so much more with her than she has with me, of my feelings I mean, I don't want to burden her with the knowledge that she makes me miserable sometimes, hows that going to make her feel?
Whatver course of action I could take seems to point towards us breaking up as an outcome rather than ushering in a new era of mutual respect and intimate communication. Whereas saying nothing does at least allow for the possibility of slowly but surely trying to work on things from within without causing a crisis. I can't bring myself to disregard the deludedly optimistic part of which says that maybe things will get better by themself, in time. I mean she's 20 years old for goodness sake, inexpereinced or no she should be able to know her own mind and act upon it without an invitation, shouldn't she?
Reply 10
Ignore her. Let her crawling back to you.
Reply 11
It certainly looks like she isn't interested. Like I said, my bf feels like you do sometimes, but I DO call him, text him and we have a sexual relationship. Your gf isn't putting in any effort at all!
Reply 12
Anonymous
Ignore her. Let her crawling back to you.
I can't really ignore her that easily as we have uni lectures together and mutual friends etc. Plus its kinda mean to deliberately ignore someone to provoke them into action isn't it?
Anonymous
I can't really ignore her that easily as we have uni lectures together and mutual friends etc. Plus its kinda mean to deliberately ignore someone to provoke them into action isn't it?
Are you a man or a mouse? For the love of god. Ignore the woman. If she talks to you just say hi i have to go bye. She will eventually relent.
Reply 14
it's really not fair when your the only one making all the effort..talk to her about it-if she doesnt want to discuss your feelings about your relationship then whatever at least you tried. and if you really don't want to break up straight away why don't you try taking a break? then she can't work out for herself whether she does want to make the effort to stay in this relationship..if not then there are plenty of girls who will appreciate a guy who likes to talk and wants to see his gf often (not being together since decemeber is insane..)
good luck..
good luck..
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