I've always hated the person I am. I've suffered with anxiety and depression and I've always seen myself as defective, worthless, or simply empty. For a long time, I had lived around people who acted as a friend to my face, but denied it when asked by others if they got on with me. During this time, I was absorbed with trying to work out what it was that was wrong with me; why I got on well with other people, whilst they seemed ashamed to admit our friendship to others.
I'm now at university, and the feelings of anxiety have mostly faded. However, I still find that the only way I can feel happy is when others are showing their approval of me (usually for doing stupid, sometimes illegal, things to make them laugh). During my time at university, I met an amazing girl, who I'm now lucky enough to call my girlfriend. I've never been happier since we got together, but I now feel that my happiness is almost entirely dependant on her and her feelings for me. I often find myself reading too deeply into things that she's said, or her actions towards me and doubting the value she places on our relationship (rightly or wrongly).
Ultimately, I feel she is faultless in all of this. However, the fact that I'm very emotional whilst she's very pragmatic leads me to feel that she will always mean more to me than I will to her. On the occasions where I've asked her what she sees for us in the future, her response has been that "no one can predict the future, and what ever happens is probably for the best" - though she has followed up on this by saying she hopes we will be together.
Though she is my best friend, I've never allowed myself to show these vulnerabilities to her. I've never allowed myself to seem needy, and I repress the affection I want to show her to the levels she shows me. The repercussions of this are now obvious. I find myself realising that I'm more invested in this relationship than she is, and it's causing me to relapse into a depressed state.
I've always known that the only way to escape these feelings is to force myself to care less about her and more about myself, but this is simply impossible to me. The only silver lining to this all is that I've reached that borderline-suicidal stage where nothing hurts anymore, because every problem I face is met with that simple (but permanent) solution.
What do I do?
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How can I care less about my girlfriend, and more about myself? watch
- Thread Starter
- 24-08-2015 09:15
- 24-08-2015 20:47
It's a confidence problem, you need to find ways to boost your confidence. If she really is your girlfriend, she will help you with this. She might expect something in return from you but don't worry about that. Focus on overcoming your fears and being more reassured in yourself