I Don't Know 79
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Question
Which of the following causes were more responsible for the outbreak of war in Eastern Europe between Austria - Hungary and Serbia in 1914.




Causes
The aims and action of Serbia and the black hand gang
The aims and action of Austria -Hungary?


ANSWER
I think both of the causes were responsible for the outbreak of war in Eastern Europe
between Austria - Hungary and Serbia in 1914. First of all Serbia wanted a greater Serbia so they decided they wanted Bosnia. However, because they didn't get Bosnia and Austria did they​needed to do something. When it was announced that Arc Duke Franz Ferdinand was coming to visit Sarajevo to see his troops in Bosnia, the Black Hand Gang thought it was the right idea to kill him to​get revenge of Austria. Gavrilo Princip killed the Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand which lead Germany to​support Austria against others.This lead to the start of world war one. However Austria - Hungary wanted​expand their empire and wanted Bosnia. Also, Russia made a secret deal with Austria that if they get Bosnia then they would provide Russia to have access to the sea. However, the plan was leaked and Russia said nothing about this as they wanted to protect the Slavs.
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n__
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Hi!

You clearly know all the information on the subject which is really good. There's just a few structure points that you could probably improve on that would most likely improve your mark.
Firstly, whenever constructing a paragraph, always try to give your judgment explicitly in the first sentence. For example 'The reformation of the German Retenmark was arguably the most significant reason as to why Germans began to support the Weimar Republic as it made a tangible difference and boosted the economy'. Or something along those lines, where you give your judgement and a reason why you think your judgement is correct.
Secondly, try to use some measured vocabulary such as 'it can be argued that...' or 'although some may believe...it can be argued that..'. Try to cut down on the use of personal pronouns such as 'I believe' or 'I think' as much as possible.
When giving a point, always back it up with around 1 or 2 sentences of explanation. For example 'Hitler gained a majority in the 1933 elections. THIS MEANT THAT....' So always state what the significance of the point that you're mentioning was.

But yeah, these are just mainly points about structure and stuff which my teacher always told me to do. You definitely know your stuff so keep it up! Hope these pointers were helpful!

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I Don't Know 79
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#3
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(Original post by _niki)
Hi!

You clearly know all the information on the subject which is really good. There's just a few structure points that you could probably improve on that would most likely improve your mark.
Firstly, whenever constructing a paragraph, always try to give your judgment explicitly in the first sentence. For example 'The reformation of the German Retenmark was arguably the most significant reason as to why Germans began to support the Weimar Republic as it made a tangible difference and boosted the economy'. Or something along those lines, where you give your judgement and a reason why you think your judgement is correct.
Secondly, try to use some measured vocabulary such as 'it can be argued that...' or 'although some may believe...it can be argued that..'. Try to cut down on the use of personal pronouns such as 'I believe' or 'I think' as much as possible.
When giving a point, always back it up with around 1 or 2 sentences of explanation. For example 'Hitler gained a majority in the 1933 elections. THIS MEANT THAT....' So always state what the significance of the point that you're mentioning was.

But yeah, these are just mainly points about structure and stuff which my teacher always told me to do. You definitely know your stuff so keep it up! Hope these pointers were helpful!

Posted from TSR Mobile

How much out of 10
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H_A99
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(Original post by I Don't Know 79)
Question
Which of the following causes were more responsible for the outbreak of war in Eastern Europe between Austria - Hungary and Serbia in 1914.




Causes
The aims and action of Serbia and the black hand gang
The aims and action of Austria -Hungary?


ANSWER
I think both of the causes were responsible for the outbreak of war in Eastern Europe
between Austria - Hungary and Serbia in 1914. First of all Serbia wanted a greater Serbia so they decided they wanted Bosnia. However, because they didn't get Bosnia and Austria did they​needed to do something. When it was announced that Arc Duke Franz Ferdinand was coming to visit Sarajevo to see his troops in Bosnia, the Black Hand Gang thought it was the right idea to kill him to​get revenge of Austria. Gavrilo Princip killed the Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand which lead Germany to​support Austria against others.This lead to the start of world war one. However Austria - Hungary wanted​expand their empire and wanted Bosnia. Also, Russia made a secret deal with Austria that if they get Bosnia then they would provide Russia to have access to the sea. However, the plan was leaked and Russia said nothing about this as they wanted to protect the Slavs.
I'd give you 4/10...
You know what you're talking about but you're answer could be a little more detailed especially if it's after ten marks.
For example, the opening line is fine with you agreeing upon both however, after in the paragraph you go onto explain both causes but with very little detail and it's rather mismatched.
Also, the annexation of Bosnia took place in 1908, not after the death of Franz Ferdinand which occurred in 1914. Plus, you mentioned Russia which has nothing to do with the question's causes so I'd advise you rule that out and focus more on the two main causes that the question supplies you with.
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