boyfriend distant

my boyfriend and I go to the same uni, at first it was great we lived in separate flats and saw quite a bit of each other, then we both moved out into separate halls just before xmas.
Just lately he has been going out quite a bit with the lads which I don't mind but when I say shall we meet up he makes some exscuse or he will say he's going to a different place to where he says.
Also on his mobile he now has more pics of my ex flatmatw than me but when I try and talk to him about it he says not to be silly and that I'm always telling him off, which I don't think I do.
We see each other perhaps for lunch etc but not what I would class as a "real date" or quality time again I have tried to talk about it but he just ignores it/

I did mention about breaking up but he cried and things were ok for a few days after that and then it went back to the same way again.

I really don't know what to do, I love him but at the moment I feel like second best, I've tried talking to him but he is dimissive of it all. Sorry for rambling but any advice on what I can do next? do you think I'm being unreasonable or should I just say enough is enough although I still love him and I know it will hurt like hell. He is my first boyfriend btw and we have been together for 21/2 years.

Reply 1

suicidal_dream

1

maybe you're starting to grow apart, or he's just trying to keep with his friends...

or maybe after 2 & 1/2 years he's thinking he doesnt need to try anymore.

just try and talk to him some more - try and get him to realise how little you see him or get time alone with him, cos every couple needs time alone together!

Reply 2

cmh

8

Just say what you said here, youre struggleing to cope with the change and want to see move of him.

It sounds to me that you feel neglated and if you to down start to patch things up soon its gonna get worse.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

OP

thats what I think but he just doesn't see it or won't see it. I don't want to grow apart but I really do not know what to do, you can't force yourself on someone, but I love him so much too.
Has anyone been in this situation and what happened to you relationship?

Reply 4

Trigger

18

You need to force him to sit down and talk about this or it will get worse. I think the he has more pics of her them me comment is irrelevent

Reply 5

cmh

8

I'm in a long term relationship atm and becuase its a LDR the only time I spend with him is the weekends so I dont have what you have right now but we wanna go to the same uni and we both wanna meet diff people etc which i'm scared we'll grow apart.

I just think you 2 need to spend more time together and he needs to understand that in order for u 2 to stay together this needs to happen. Like you 2 need to also have ur seperate mates, but why dont u just all go out togther too occasionaly.

Reply 6

Anonymous #2

I think you need to be careful not to get into a situation where you're the only person asking for time together and he's the only person asking for time apart. The first year at Uni is always a time when people change and move on from the way they were at home, and you need to give each other space to do just that. Sadly often that means that relationships don't survive the change, but there's no need for that to happen. The two of you need to talk honestly about what you both want out of the relationship, without any accusations of being uncaring or threats of breaking up etc. Spending less time together needn't be a terrible thing, especially if it means that he'll feel less like he's being forced into it, and you feel less like you're constantly asking for attention and being rejected.

I've been in a similar situation, except I guess I was probably in your bfs place- wanting to spend more time with friends, and more of a sense of independence, but feeling a constant pull from my gf to spend time together. The accusations of not caring etc just made me want to spend less and less time together and spending time with her just started to feel like a chore that I was doing just so she wouldn't get upset. Finally we talked about it, identified that we were getting into a habit of her always being the one that wanted time together and me always being the one that wanted time apart. When we thought about it, really both of us needed time together and time apart, but I wasn't getting a chance to ever want time together because she was always nagging me about it, and she never got the chance to want time apart because I was always rejecting her. I'm not saying that everything's become perfect since we decided to work on that, but I have noticed that within a week or so of her not asking to spend time with me, I suddenly wanted to see her. We're arguing a lot less and we're both a lot happier.

Reply 7

sarahmo89

Well I agree with someone earlier who said that he doesn't think that he needs to try anymore because you've been together for so long. He has made all these new friends so he probably thinks that he has to make more of an effort with them than you. He won't think of you any less he's just taking you for granted and you need to give him a boot up the arse to let him know that you exist and want to spend time with him - but be confident while u say it, don't sound moany or needy or clingy and desperate - I think I'm making that very mistake right now in my relationship coz I'm in the same situation as you. Don't dwell on the fact that you don't see him much though. Go out with your friends and keep yourself busy instead of thinking 'I bet he's out with his pals again tonight and not with me'. He'll eventually get lonely and come back with his tail between his legs.

boyfriend distant

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