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can't trust men

from when I was young I've always had it drummed into me by my mum that all men can not be trusted. and although i know that its not the case it seems to have had quite an effect on my in terms of relationships i've had with men. basically ,withough going into detail, most of the guys i've been out with have tended to fit the stereotype and i've always ended up regretting them in a way. now i've just started going out with a new guy and i can't get it out of my head that hes either cheating on me or just using me. i'm otherwise a very confident and outgoing person so its not that i'm lacking confidence but rather i don't know how to allow myself to trust a guy and to get rid of all the negative feelings. more of a rant than anything, but if anyones got any advice i'd be very grateful.

Reply 1

Aplin

2

from when I was young I've always had it drummed into me by my mum that all men can not be trusted. and although i know that its not the case it seems to have had quite an effect on my in terms of relationships i've had with men. basically ,withough going into detail, most of the guys i've been out with have tended to fit the stereotype and i've always ended up regretting them in a way. now i've just started going out with a new guy and i can't get it out of my head that hes either cheating on me or just using me. i'm otherwise a very confident and outgoing person so its not that i'm lacking confidence but rather i don't know how to allow myself to trust a guy and to get rid of all the negative feelings. more of a rant than anything, but if anyones got any advice i'd be very grateful.

Well when you say "Can't get it out of my head he is cheating, how do you mean? You have only been going out for a short while by sounds, you are not expected to trust him intently that soon mate. It will probably take you at least a few months, maybe even 6 months to actually 'trust' him and know he means well for you. Don't 'try to trust him' because then you are cheating yourself and not trusting him at all, have fun with him and sure worry where he is and what he is doing, but don't make it obvious so you feel clingy and he feels over possesed. Tell him how much you like him and he should tell you how much he likes you in return. Look into his eyes and decide if you believe him. If you do, the trust is there... just needs to grow.

Reply 2

Tufts

17

You *can* brake out of the cycle which was started by your mum. What has caused her to be so anti-men? She should be ashamed of herself tbh. She's made her daughter very self concious and untrusting. What a gift!

Nevertheless you can change your thinking by conciously seeking 'good' men, unlike the bad men it seems that you have been unconciously drawn to because they fit the stereotype of partners your mum has predicted for you.

Good luck xx

Reply 3

jaroxski

1

Most men can't be trusted.

Reply 4

Tufts

17

jaroxski

Most men can't be trusted.

source?

Reply 5

jaroxski

1

Tufts

source?

First hand experience source. A guy asked to borrow my pen and sneaked away without giving it back to me! I trusted him with my blue ballpen!

Reply 6

Yoda

12

Its true, I can't deny men are untrustworthy. Still, it adds to the exitement eh? You don't know if they'll cheat on you now, or in 5 mins time. If you get really good, you can have bets on how long he'll take to cheat. Might get some money off that too.

Reply 7

Tufts

17

jaroxski

First hand experience source. A guy asked to borrow my pen and sneaked away without giving it back to me! I trusted him with my blue ballpen!

Sue the bastard!!!!!!!!! :mad:

Reply 8

dyslexic_banana

1

It's interesting to compare these responses, to those invited when a guy suggests that all women may be untrustworthy (i.e. the long thread with considerably less sympathetic replies, that was active yesterday).

Reply 9

Tufts

17

dyslexic_banana

It's interesting to compare these responses, to those invited when a guy suggests that all women may be untrustworthy (i.e. the long thread with considerably less sympathetic replies, that was active yesterday).

Im stuffed with cold so my brain is in slow-mo today. However I'm interested in your comment. Could you ellaborate?

Reply 10

dyslexic_banana

1

Tufts

Im stuffed with cold so my brain is in slow-mo today. However I'm interested in your comment. Could you ellaborate?

You bet your ****ing life I can, but I'll try to keep it brief. This is the relevant link: http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=353712. In this thread, a guy asks if all women act in a certain, negative way, and gets villified strongly; this thread speaks of a woman saying something which is, in my opinion, actually worse, about men, and the 'OP' says she can't help but feel the same way. However, the replies are mainly of a sympathetic, reassuring tone, in the main (while one or two actually agree with her). This supports what I say about it being seen as considerably more acceptable to say negative things about men, than about women.

Reply 11

Tufts

17

dyslexic_banana

You bet your ****ing life I can, but I'll try to keep it brief. This is the relevant link: http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=353712. In this thread, a guy asks if all women act in a certain, negative way, and gets villified strongly; this thread speaks of a woman saying something which is, in my opinion, actually worse, about men, and the 'OP' says she can't help but feel the same way. However, the replies are mainly of a sympathetic, reassuring tone, in the main (while one or two actually agree with her). This supports what I say about it being seen as considerably more acceptable to say negative things about men, than about women.

In that thread it appears that the OP was generlising. However in this thread the OP recognises that the conditioning of her mother has made her biased. She also states: "i know that its not the case". Perhaps that explains the difference in response.

Reply 12

Anthonyjm71

9

true fact women hardly ever trust men i know that is not surprising but women can be equally as bad in some situations as well they can equally cheat as much as men..

Reply 13

dyslexic_banana

1

Tufts

In that thread it appears that the OP was generlising. However in this thread the OP recognises that the conditioning of her mother has made her biased. She also states: "i know that its not the case". Perhaps that explains the difference in response.

Well, in the other thread, he was merely posing a question, and ths 'OP' here seems to be fearing that what her mother says might have some truth in it; that's how I interpret it, anyway. Also, her mother has not yet been condemned, yet I can't help thinking, if it was a guy talking about a father who'd said something similar about women, there'd be the 'He's simply blaming all women for his own mistakes and shortcomings; what a misogynist' comments.

But, hey, life goes on, either way....

Reply 14

Tufts

17

dyslexic_banana

Also, her mother has not yet been condemned

How about the second response:

Tufts

What has caused her to be so anti-men? She should be ashamed of herself tbh. She's made her daughter very self concious and untrusting.

Reply 15

dyslexic_banana

1

I had noticed, so maybe I should've said that she had not yet been condemned to anything like the extent that a man having said similar things about a woman, would've been. Good that you did spoke out against her, though; you are a prince among men (and I'm not being as sarcastic as I sound, as it goes).

Reply 16

Tufts

17

dyslexic_banana

I had noticed, so maybe I should've said that she had not yet been condemned to anything like the extent that a man having said similar things about a woman, would've been.

Aye but this thread is barely 1 page long.

Reply 17

dh00001

16

dyslexic_banana

I had noticed, so maybe I should've said that she had not yet been condemned to anything like the extent that a man having said similar things about a woman, would've been.

what, you want me to shoot her? :p:

out of interest op how many people youve dated have actualy cheated and lied? its a real shame youre mums put all her thaughts into you, i cant really think of a practicle way of helping but you do need to begin developing youre own feelings on the matter. chances are itl only come from experience.
also i would say its dependant on the seriousness of the relationship. for instance if youve been with someone a while, they clearly want to be with you so you should tell yourself this.
none of what i said probably helps sorry :s-smilie: