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Relationships/Love

I'm really confused at the moment so this, more than anything, is to kind of get my ideas together and type out my worries though replies would be very cool!

I don't get what love is. I was reading the relationships thread about why people are in their relationship and everyone was like "I'm in love with him/her" or "he/she is my soul mate, they understand me, I can't live without them." I wouldn't say it's like that for me... I don't know whether it should be after going out with someone for only 6 weeks or so. Should it? How long does it really take to love someone or fall in love? I have no idea, I really don't. The feeling I get out of my relationship with my boyfriend is that I like spending time with him and I can't imagine breaking up with him, but I don't necessarily feel like we're soul mates or that we totally understand each other or that we can't live without each other. I mean should we be feeling this after 6 weeks? How long does it take?

Another problem is my boyfriend isn't very sensitive or open about his feelings. I'm very sensitive and I want a boy to tell me what he's feeling but my guy ain't really like that! So by him not being so open, we can't get as close. And I dunno really what to do because I don't ever feel like we talk about meaningful stuff. I mean we can chat for Britain... we talk about random junk and we get on but it never really gets meaningful or personal. And I've told him this but he says he's not really a talker and he doesn't really think about deep stuff. Is discussing deep stuff necessary for a relationship, would you say? Is that the way to fall in love? And I don't feel like he's inquisitive enough either... like he'll ask me how my day was but he doesn't ask me personal things either. And because I want to get more personal, I ask him personal stuff but he never really initiates that type of conversation. I have told him this and he said he'll work on it but nothing's changed. :confused:

So what's it like for other people out there? Do they have similar problems? Can the relationship still work? Does it need more time?

I'd love to hear your replies!

Reply 1

street

1

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Reply 2

dh00001

16

theres no time on how long love takes, its going to vary from couple to couple and how they click etc. that of course assumes you will in fact fall in love. for some couples it never happens, and just because it hasnt happened it doesnt mean you have to split up. if youre happy in a relationship surely thats what counts?
also you cant force him to do anything, if you want to him to talk about more intimate things with you tell HIM this. he wont know otherwise. perhaps he wants to but doesnt think yould react well because youve never mentioned it.
overall it sounds to me youre in love with the idea of being in love. perhaps you should take a step back, slow down and enjoy what you have right now.

Reply 3

bewithoutyou

I think people often use the word 'love' too lightly; it doesn't always happen quickly or with everyone you go out with. You're right to listen to your heart, but don't worry about 'how long' and 'what it really means'. If you're happy in your relationship, stay in it, and if you're not, don't.

Falling in love is something incredibly special that doesn't happen every day. When you fall in love, you'll know it; and because you don't use the term lightly, it'll mean the world to you :smile:

Reply 4

Meep!

9

People most definitely do use the word 'love' too lightly; they throw it around and people get hurt by it. Real love, however, is fab. You know when you really love someone, you just do. I think it probably changes from person to person, but its the sort of thing that, months or years down the line, still provokes butterflys every time you see your bf/gf.

Reply 5

theredsox

15

I've been going out with my bf for 6 months and I don't love him. He doesn't mind. It doesn't mean I don't really, really like him, though :smile:

It's not a prerequisite.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

theredsox

I've been going out with my bf for 6 months and I don't love him. He doesn't mind. It doesn't mean I don't really, really like him, though :smile:

It's not a prerequisite.

So what keeps you two together?

Don't you feel like you have to be working towards love or going in the same direction to make your relationship successful?

Why aren't you in love? 6 months is a lot... do you talk a lot? About deep stuff?

Lol; sorry for all the questions... i'm just rather confused about everything to do with relationships.

---

Other replies - thanks for your input. I think I am a bit obsessed with the idea of falling in love. I'm thinking to myself, well I'm not in love yet so is this working. I don't wanna break up with him - i'd feel so hurt. I love his company. I don't know if I love him though, which probably means that I don't. And I'm very picky with the word 'love' - I dont wanna use it unless im certain. But our relationship just doesnt feel like anything amazingly special or romantic. Maybe it needs more time. I'm being a bit to premature here I think. And because I keep getting all these thoughts about love and where our relationship is going it's leading me to get very upset and moody at him for no reason. The poor guy. I feel awful but it's just how I am. I'm too emotional and sensitive for my own good. I need to snap out of it, I just don't know how. *sigh*

Reply 7

theredsox

15

I wouldn't say so. I have lots of fun when I'm with him, and like I said, I really really like him, and it certainly seems enough. He bought me doughnuts and came to see me after school just because I texted him saying "I'm hungry" :smile:

He's told me he loves me, and I felt awful that I didn't say it back, but I didn't want to when I didn't.
And yeh, we're pretty open with each other, too. I'd say we could talk about pretty much anything. I don't know why I'm not in love - I'm just not :smile:

Reply 8

PatchTheCatch

6

I'm in a right ****ty situation, I left my ex because I was in love with her and I was scared she wasn't looking for the same thing so I tought if I broke up with her it would protect me from later damage.
Still in love with her she has a boyfriend and is asking me for help on what to do and stuff, part of me wants to kinda break them up so I can be with her (no guarentee she will have me back) part of me just wants her to be happy.
AGAKML situations can be crappy ^^

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

OP

teenageclay

I'm in a right ****ty situation, I left my ex because I was in love with her and I was scared she wasn't looking for the same thing so I tought if I broke up with her it would protect me from later damage.
Still in love with her she has a boyfriend and is asking me for help on what to do and stuff, part of me wants to kinda break them up so I can be with her (no guarentee she will have me back) part of me just wants her to be happy.
AGAKML situations can be crappy ^^

Sorry to hear you're in such a crap situation. I'm not the best at advice since I'm the one looking for advice but I do believe that if it's true love then it will be reciprocated eventually and it will work out.

Relationships and love cause so many problems, confusion and hurt. I hope it's all worth it in the end.

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

OP

theredsox

I wouldn't say so. I have lots of fun when I'm with him, and like I said, I really really like him, and it certainly seems enough. He bought me doughnuts and came to see me after school just because I texted him saying "I'm hungry" :smile:

He's told me he loves me, and I felt awful that I didn't say it back, but I didn't want to when I didn't.
And yeh, we're pretty open with each other, too. I'd say we could talk about pretty much anything. I don't know why I'm not in love - I'm just not :smile:

Sounds like a sweet guy. :smile:

Wasn't he quite annoyed when you didn't say that you loved him back? If that was me, I'd be in tears. But there again - ultra-sensitive. :p:

Reply 11

Chumbaniya

17

I fear I'll be descending slightly into cliche, but speaking from my own experience I'd say it's an emotion which is too fundamental and un-analysable to give an adequate description of as a guide.

I wouldn't have thought worrying about when/if you're going to feel that you love someone is going to help your cause. When you're talking about something which is so personal and individual, it's misguided to try and work with definite timescales or define 'requirements'.

Reply 12

high priestess fnord

9

it wasnt untill 3 months that the L word was even mentioned in my relationship and even then it was a post sex hormone driven kind of i love you. i guess in the early stages of a realtionship its all about enjoying each other and just getting to know the other person better.

if you fancy him and you enjoy his company then its probably going good :smile:

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

OP

Chumbaniya

I fear I'll be descending slightly into cliche, but speaking from my own experience I'd say it's an emotion which is too fundamental and un-analysable to give an adequate description of as a guide.

I wouldn't have thought worrying about when/if you're going to feel that you love someone is going to help your cause. When you're talking about something which is so personal and individual, it's misguided to try and work with definite timescales or define 'requirements'.

Well I'm trying to work out whether love is an "exercise" so to speak; as in, can you love anyone with so much effort and giving? Or are there only certain individuals compatible?

Does the fact that I'm sensitive and the fact he isn't mean we're not emotionally compatible or can it still work? So confused. :s-smilie:

I mean I know love is probably impossible to describe but I just don't understand how it works! It sounds so naíve but I'm just waiting for a moment where I'll suddenly think "I love him" and because of that, my mind is playing tricks and looknig for the slightest excuse to think so. All I want is for us to get close and to build on what we've got. But I feel like it is going slow since we're not talking about personal and deep stuff- which I have said I wanna speak about but he doesn't know what kind of stuff that involves. Deep personal opinions and, not exactly secrets, but you know... I keep trying to explain but he doesn't get it.. what exactly can we talk about to get to know each other more and have deep conversations? I'm just totally at a dead end. Sorry for the rant. :redface:

Reply 14

Chumbaniya

17

Anonymous

Well I'm trying to work out whether love is an "exercise" so to speak; as in, can you love anyone with so much effort and giving? Or are there only certain individuals compatible?

Does the fact that I'm sensitive and the fact he isn't mean we're not emotionally compatible or can it still work? So confused. :s-smilie:

I mean I know love is probably impossible to describe but I just don't understand how it works! It sounds so naíve but I'm just waiting for a moment where I'll suddenly think "I love him" and because of that, my mind is playing tricks and looknig for the slightest excuse to think so. All I want is for us to get close and to build on what we've got. But I feel like it is going slow since we're not talking about personal and deep stuff- which I have said I wanna speak about but he doesn't know what kind of stuff that involves. Deep personal opinions and, not exactly secrets, but you know... I keep trying to explain but he doesn't get it.. what exactly can we talk about to get to know each other more and have deep conversations? I'm just totally at a dead end. Sorry for the rant. :redface:

Looking for some really obvious point when you feel that you love him could be problematic for two reasons; firstly, it's not necessary that there should be a definable point when you feel like you're in love - it could happen gradually - and secondly, being acutely conscious of the fact that you're waiting to feel like you're in love is going to really complicate things in your mind, and over-complication is undoubtedly something you want to avoid here.

Obviously no-one can give you guarantees, but I think your best bet is to focus more directly on the relationship itself; concentrating on your own emotions is just going to make you more worried, which in turn is not going to do good things for your relationship, which makes you more worried - it's a viscious circle.

EDIT: As to love as an exercise; it seems odd to talk about being able to love someone by simply making an effort, but then again I wouldn't want to claim that you need some sort of magic spark of compatability. It might sound odd, but the act of wanting to love someone seems to me almost synonymous with the act of loving them.

Reply 15

Anonymous #2

teenageclay

I'm in a right ****ty situation, I left my ex because I was in love with her and I was scared she wasn't looking for the same thing so I tought if I broke up with her it would protect me from later damage.
Still in love with her she has a boyfriend and is asking me for help on what to do and stuff, part of me wants to kinda break them up so I can be with her (no guarentee she will have me back) part of me just wants her to be happy.
AGAKML situations can be crappy ^^

I know how you feel. I left my gf a few weeks ago for a few different reasons, but realised later what all she really wanted was a bit of fun rather than a long term relationship, and I saw a soulmate in her. I think i might have fallen in love with her. I felt butterflies every time I saw her, and still until now think about her and care about her so much even though we arent together, and she gets angry whenever I bring our relationship up in conversation. She however is over me and looking for another randomer to be her new bf. Its so crappy when love isnt reciprocated.

I just take comfort in the fact that I will probably meet another girl who will feel the same about me, and want the same as me, and instantly get over this one. Thats how attraction is pretty much. You can think the world of one person and be over them as soon as you meet the next. I don't want to get into a chain of short, shallow relationships either because i know that it will just be heartache after heartache with some happiness in between. Not worth it imo. Rant over :rolleyes:

Reply 16

theredsox

15

Anonymous

Sounds like a sweet guy. :smile:

Wasn't he quite annoyed when you didn't say that you loved him back? If that was me, I'd be in tears. But there again - ultra-sensitive. :p:

He was embarrassed, I think (how do you spell that word? Always gives me grief). But hopefully I got across that though I didn't love him, I really really fancied him :biggrin:

Reply 17

Anonymous #1

OP

Chumbaniya

Looking for some really obvious point when you feel that you love him could be problematic for two reasons; firstly, it's not necessary that there should be a definable point when you feel like you're in love - it could happen gradually - and secondly, being acutely conscious of the fact that you're waiting to feel like you're in love is going to really complicate things in your mind, and over-complication is undoubtedly something you want to avoid here.

Obviously no-one can give you guarantees, but I think your best bet is to focus more directly on the relationship itself; concentrating on your own emotions is just going to make you more worried, which in turn is not going to do good things for your relationship, which makes you more worried - it's a viscious circle.

EDIT: As to love as an exercise; it seems odd to talk about being able to love someone by simply making an effort, but then again I wouldn't want to claim that you need some sort of magic spark of compatability. It might sound odd, but the act of wanting to love someone seems to me almost synonymous with the act of loving them.

You're completely right. I think I've already over-complicated things in my mind which is why I'm making such a big deal out of a relationship that has only so far lasted 6ish weeks. So I just need to work on the relationship then... hmm.. that itself sounds vague.

Hmm you make a good point. *ponders* Well I don't feel like I love him. Or maybe I do but maybe that's different from being in love with him. Is it not? I care about him and worry about him, I miss him (despite only seeing him last night) and I can't wait to see him again tomorrow but I don't necessarily think all that equates to love. Or maybe it does, but it doesn't equate to being in love. But yeah, I do want to love him. I want us to get properly serious and close. Whether that means I love him or not I've no idea... maybe that's just infatuation? I've no idea.

Reply 18

Anonymous #1

OP

theredsox

He was embarrassed, I think (how do you spell that word? Always gives me grief). But hopefully I got across that though I didn't love him, I really really fancied him :biggrin:

That's how you spell it, yes. :p:

Well hope it all goes well for you. :smile:

Reply 19

theredsox

15

You too! Don't get het up about it. As long as you're having fun, that's what counts :smile: