bit of a problem

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Hey, bare with me, this is gonna be longish

Basically, ive had bad experiances with friends over the years. Im quite quiet and a bit shy, although im not a pushover. However, people tended to leave me out of things or forget me. This has lead to me getting paranoid about being left out or ignored. Since ive come to uni, the situation did improve. However it has started going down hill again, my best mate is being weird, and has started monopilising(sp) alot of the friends we share (he and they are all biologists, but i know them from living with them last year) i know that friends cant be stolen, but in this case it means that i become the hanger on again. I dunno whether its because i try too hard or something else.

Also i cant banter with people unless i know them quite well or i actually mean the stuff i say, which has led to one particular person starting to shout me down or put me down where ever possible.

I always have the feeling that everyone is some one elses friend, and im just a hanger on.

Sorry about the jumbled upness of the post, im typing as the thoughts emerge :smile:

Reply 1

Yoda

12

Don't try hard to be friends with people. It pisses me off when people try hard to be friends with me. Instead just enjoy yourself and let people want to be your friend. No point forcing them if they don't want to. Its like rape in terms of friendships.

Reply 2

James

14

Yoda

It pisses me off when people try hard to be friends with me.

It sounds like the OP is shy and quiet, not unpleasant. Maybe it's just me, but I'm always happy to hang out with everyone, and have no objection if someone is a 'hanger on'. In fact I usually try to talk to them and make it seem less awkward... :smile:

Anyway, the best advice I can give the OP is to get really involved socially. Every time your friends are going pubbing and clubbing, attending a ball, signing up to a music festival, going paintballing etc, go along with them (provided it's not too expensive!). Even if the activity is not something you would normally think of doing, you will probably enjoy it and you'll make much better friends that way. When everyone returns, they'll be talking about it for weeks so you'll want to be in a position to contribute to the conversation, as opposed to just listening.

Reply 3

cheekylittleminx

It sounds like the OP is shy and quiet, not unpleasant. Maybe it's just me, but I'm always happy to hang out with everyone, and have no objection if someone is a 'hanger on'. In fact I usually try to talk to them and make it seem less awkward...

Anyway, the best advice I can give the OP is to get really involved socially. Every time your friends are going pubbing and clubbing, attending a ball, signing up to a music festival, going paintballing etc, go along with them (provided it's not too expensive!). Even if the activity is not something you would normally think of doing, you will probably enjoy it and you'll make much better friends that way. When everyone returns, they'll be talking about it for weeks so you'll want to be in a position to contribute to the conversation, as opposed to just listening.

V.true - go out with them whenever you can so then there are things to talk about together!
(p.s. I repped you JG :smile:

)

Reply 4

Allthewayhome

10

To the OP, There has been a time when I have felt exactly the same as you are feeling right now. You don't know whether your friends view you as an equal or as "the person who just shows up". I want you to know that this feeling can/will go! The best possible thing you can do is to well engage/iniate activities as much as possible, have one to ones. You seem quite shy so this might be a big task for you buts it's quite easy. Pick one your loosing touch with 'n ask if they want to go get lunch eg walk to greggs for a sandwich and have a chat. Ask them for oppinions on stuff! It easy peasy lemon squeezy when you start thinking about it. When the weather starts warming up throw a bbq 'n invite everyone! Or in my case dress up as a lady for halloween! It was fantastic though the fishnets were itchy.

I hope this was some comfort or filled with idea because I know that it can be a lonely place.
Join up 'n send me a message if you want some chat.

Reply 5

Anonymous #2

Going anon as I can't be sure whether the people I refer to read this or not.

I'm also not really sure what point i'm trying to make, but i'd like to share my experiences.

OP I empathise fully with you. At uni i've found it very hard to make some real friends. I get on with people fine but i've never really felt that I actually fit in with them, I always feel a little bit like a spare part or the 'hanger on'. Mainly due to similar experiences in the past of being left out of things (whether intentionally or not), which means I do have tendencies to feel paranoid at times. There's also a particular girl in the small group of people I see who is incredibly rude (I think this is only if she decides she doesn't like you or whatever) and belittling. However i'm trying not to let her bother me as there are some nice people that she is friends with who I also get along with. I don't really socialise with these people outside of classes (and I really don't have a great desire to either.. see my next para) so that may be why. I'm not unpleasant or loud, pretty chill really. But.. yeah.

However, I do have other friends from another community (online) and i've got to say these have come to be some of my best friends i've ever made. With them I feel that I am valued as a friend and I feel at ease enough to open up with them. It sucks that most of these people live all over the country and I get to see them in person maybe once a month at most. I guess because of this I haven't put so much effort into making solid friendships at uni, but it doesn't bother me too much. I just get on with things.

I suppose if I had to offer some advice it would be to not let those who shout you down get to you. I'm lucky that I have an outside group of good friends, but I advise you get out there and join a club at uni/online community of people who are into the same things you are.
Don't waste your time on people who put you down or make you feel bad about yourself. I'm not saying don't try at all with the people you consider friends, but don't let yourself be a pushover. If they are your friends, they will make the effort to see you/talk to you. Anything else is essentially an acquaintance.

Apologies for the rambling post, hopefully the OP will know where I am coming from.

bit of a problem

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