Family Problems

Wanted a bit of advice from ppl off here as objectivly. Basicalli i havnt spoken to/ seen my dad for the past 6 months cus hes an aloholic and we kcked him out of the house when he threatened us one night. My siblings still have regular contact and recently hes wantd to get back in touch with me as well. im worried that if i do get back into contact with him il end up getting hurt again as this isnt the first time stuff like this has happened. So any advice pls

Reply 1

ShinyApple

Your dad is still your dad, regardless of what he has done. His alcoholism is something he will find difficult to deal with on his own. Perhaps with encouragement and help you can aid him in beating it and enabling him to get back into a semi-normal life with his family?

If you don't think you're up to that then perhaps just see him in places where you would feel comfortable. It would be very sad for you to lose contact altogether with him.

Reply 2

James

Would you mind giving a bit more background information, so we can understand the context? :smile:

How old are you and your siblings?
Why do your siblings still have regular contact with your dad but you don't?
Is your dad still drinking?
Are you living with your mum? What is her view?

Reply 3

Hanzing

Hey, Im really sorry with whats happened to you in the past, Sounds like its been pretty rough. What is the contact like between your siblings and your father? If he is showing positive steps in progress to them then maybe you may be more convinved you can trust him again. Do you want to be back in contact again? If so then maybe you will just have to try, however there is always a chance you may be hurt again so you need to do what is right for you.

Reply 4

her0n

OP i've not seen my father properly in almost 5 years :/ He was having an affair left us 3 times in the space of 6 months, each time he came back he promised he was back for good. It really hurt, he was someone I thought I could look up to. Sometimes I think about getting back in proper contact (i've only really spoken via email asking for money heh) but I wouldn't know how to go about it. It seems so much has changed, I had only just finished my GCSE's the first time he left, I'm now coming up for 21. I live with my mother and she sometimes makes snide remarks about him or mocks occasionally (understandable, he really hurt her). He also married the woman he left us for.. :/
So i'm not really sure what to do either. We were so alike, I basically cut him off as I was so angry and hurt by what he had done. Eventually I think I would like to get back in proper contact, but how to do this without seeming like i'd be disrespecting my mother. She's never said at any point I can't/shouldn't see him.. but you know how things are. My Sister has seen him on a number of occasions, fairly positive I believe. I don't know how I can get over my stubbornness/hurt and bite the bullet, I can't fathom how I might react in such a situation where I would see him 1 on 1 again. It's like a part of me wants to stop being a pussy and just do it, yet the other part of me is still deeply hurting and feels a reconciliation would be like saying what he did was acceptable. Sigh :frown:

Reply 5

wackysparkle

I believe that if you want to see your dad, you would have to tackle the problem head on - tell him that you only wish to speak with him, if he agrees to treat you like his daughter/son. You don't want to be abused in anyway, and if he even hints towards it, he has lost you forever. Because, he's your dad, he would quite probably agree. Then explain to him why you didnt want to keep in contact with him, tell him how much the alcoholism has affected you personally. Having a child tell their parent that what they are doing is hurting them, has a profound affect.

Reply 6

Anonymous #2

its easy for a man to be a father, but it takes a very special man to be a dad.

Reply 7

Anonymous #3

don't do it!

it's better to avoid a situation you know will end badly. every time I expect people to change or be different or give them a second chance, they disappoint.

don't do it!!

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Ok well i thought mb i shud elaborate. Im the eldest out of my siblings and b4 all this stuf happened our rel had deterioated anyway because he was drunk all the time and didnt pay bills and i just used to get angry with him. Basicalli i saw him as a leech but my siblings kept up contact cus they were yunger n not so aware of wot he had dun. This xmas he bough me pressies and i went round ma grans 2 get em of him but cudnt face to see him n spent the hole tym cryin in the bathroom.

he has never since mentioned the reason y we kicked him out n everytime my siblings try to bring it up he tells em 2 be quiet and just buries his head in the sand. I dont want to start talkin 2 him if hes not goin to admite hes dun wrong afta all he hurt us all.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

Also Her0n the way u feel is the exact same we havent spoken 2 each otha so i dnt no how to begin talkin 2 him again as so mcuh stuff has happened since then altho is pose its much worse 4 u cus its been 5 yrs. Ma mum is positive bwt us gettin into contact so long as he doesnt mess me around again.

Reply 10

Louise88

I can understand why you might be very wary of getting back in contact with your father, it's a terrible situation that your family is in and it must be very difficult to deal with. The thing is, your dad is ill and he needs as much support as he can get so that he can overcome his drinking problem and as difficult as it may be for you to contact him, your contact might help him give up his drinking. The same goes for the rest of your family. Remember that your dad is going through something horrible and to give that up, he has to make the decision to do so to begin with and secondly, he needs his family to support him.

I know that you are protecting yourself from being hurt and to be honest, I don't blame you. He is your father though and always will be, nothing will ever change that. Think about what it might be like in ten years time, alcoholism kills people if it doesn't get treated, for treatment to work, he needs to be supported. I'm not trying to scare you but doesn't that make you think that as a family, you should all pull together and help your father get through this no matter what has happened in the past? He is entitled to a normal life, to get that he needs to realise that he has a problem and he needs you and your family to help him through it.

At the end of the day, you need to do what you think is best for you, you need to do that you are comfortable with. Start off slowly and see how things go, if things go well then increase the contact that you have with him and so on. Try to help him through this difficult time in his life. I know that you're scared of getting hurt but sometimes, in a situation like this, it can't be avoided. Do what you think is for the best though, if you don't know what that is right now, give it time and you'll figure it out.

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

Well thanx for ur comments. Louise88 i wud hve got the word family even if it wasnt red n bold lol but thanx 4 ur comment anywa. I think i will make contact but not yet and louise88 i undastand wot ur sayin bwt him being sick but sometimes ppl forfeit the right to hve their family support them. thanx all the same tho