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Feeling Low..

I'll try and make this as short as I can. I just need a place where I can just express myself.

Basically I just can't cope anymore.. I've been feeling quite 'low' for over 3 years now and it seems to be getting worse. I'm in my second year of college now and I'm just so tempted to quit.. I have no social life what so ever.. I have two people I talk to at college but would hardly consider themself as friends. I can't remember the last time I just went out. With a friend or even by myself. I've always felt alone and have accepted that I'll never have friends in my life. I just don't understand the concept of friendships. I see people talk to one another in college and it gets me so frustrated why I can't be like that. Don't I deserve friends?

I just try to be a good person I just end up failing. I really want to go to University and study but I just think it's not meant for me. I constantly get low grades and I feel ever so thick. But I do really try. I do, I do want to make a success of my life but it just feels it's impossible. I find it also impossible to get a job because I get very anxious in public and often suffer from panic attacks. Sometimes I struggle to just get out of the door. I can no longer shop for items, i.e Clothes because of my anxiouty. The only thing which is keeping me at college is Politics. My passion and love for it is the only thing that keeps me motivated. Even then in class, I feel my opinions do not matter as the majority of the class are from middle class backgrounds and they tend to 'stick together'. The teacher is no help either as she is very biased. I get in countless of trouble because of my poor attendence and it really upsets me if I get into trouble.

I have been put on beta-blockers and I don't even know why. But I know somethings wrong with me because I get a lot of pain when I'm hot and get heat rashes all over my body and sharp stabbing pins in my chest, side and back of my head. Sometimes the pain gets so unbearable I just have to stop what I'm doing. The doctor just puts it down to my anxiety. Obviously this gets me down.

I just don't see the point in life to be honest. I self harm on a regular basis and recently has got really bad. I just don't feel that I'm meant for this world. It doesn't make any sense. I just don't know what to do.