please help me, i'm feeling so confused right now and i'm crying as i write this. until last week it never seriously occured to me i could be gay, or bisexual, but then i got drunk and kissed my (female) friend, and i enjoyed it. i'd always been curious about experimenting with members of the same sex, but the opportunity never came up and i didn't go looking for it. whenever boys have asked me out at school i never accepted, even if i got on really well with them and liked them, because i always thought of them as friends, something was holding me back. i thought the reason i was making excuses was because i was just shy and reserved. i'm 19 and i've never had a proper boyfriend, and i ended the closest thing i had to a relationship because i didn't really like the guy enough. my mum didn't have her first boyfriend til she was roughly my age, and he was my father who she's been with ever since. my mother and i are quite alike, so i just always assumed i was the same. we've discussed homosexuality before and my mum has always said she can't imagine why women are attracted to other women, and i don't think any of my straight friends have felt like this. i had a few crushes on guys at school and i had quite an intense crush on an much older man but that was about it. the couple of secual of experiences i've had have been with guys, and i didn't get anything out of them, but i thought that had something to do with the fact that *either the guy wasn't very good, or *i just wasn't attracted to them enough. i had crushes on older film actresses when i was younger, but that was never really in a sexual way, more like i wanted to *be* them, rather than be *with* them. i've had a slight crush one of my female friends from school. i know this sounds really petty and silly, but i think i might be gay or bisexual, and i'm so scared. my family are very religious, and i know that they will always love me, but if i was gay they would be really disappointed in me, and i know they would still love me but it would be like they would still love me even if i been caught dealing drugs or breaking the law. they find it homosexuality disgusting and can't understand it. . when i was little i wanted to get married to a man and have children, but that can't happen if i'm gay because i think a child needs a mother and a father. i really don't want to be gay, and i'm sorry if that offends anyone, but it's just how i feel. (i am not homophobic by the way, my best friend is bisexual - i know that's a cliche, but it's the truth). i'm sorry if this sounds trivial, and i may totally be jumping the gun here, but i've been thinking about it a lot over the past few days. if anyone else, gay, straight or bi has any experiences out there i'd be really grateful to hear about them. i don't know why it has suddenly hit me like this, but i've never felt this strongly about the topic before. i read books and watched the L word and always had a vague interest in lesbianism, but i never personalised it and imagined that i was gay. i've rambled on a lot, and if anyone has managed to get to the end then thankyou for just reading this. i'm sorry, but i'm quite upset at the moment and i'm just writing down the thoughts as they come into my head. might this just be a phase? has anyone else gone through this and come out straight at the end?