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maybe a lesbian/bisexual

please help me, i'm feeling so confused right now and i'm crying as i write this. until last week it never seriously occured to me i could be gay, or bisexual, but then i got drunk and kissed my (female) friend, and i enjoyed it. i'd always been curious about experimenting with members of the same sex, but the opportunity never came up and i didn't go looking for it. whenever boys have asked me out at school i never accepted, even if i got on really well with them and liked them, because i always thought of them as friends, something was holding me back. i thought the reason i was making excuses was because i was just shy and reserved. i'm 19 and i've never had a proper boyfriend, and i ended the closest thing i had to a relationship because i didn't really like the guy enough. my mum didn't have her first boyfriend til she was roughly my age, and he was my father who she's been with ever since. my mother and i are quite alike, so i just always assumed i was the same. we've discussed homosexuality before and my mum has always said she can't imagine why women are attracted to other women, and i don't think any of my straight friends have felt like this. i had a few crushes on guys at school and i had quite an intense crush on an much older man but that was about it. the couple of secual of experiences i've had have been with guys, and i didn't get anything out of them, but i thought that had something to do with the fact that *either the guy wasn't very good, or *i just wasn't attracted to them enough. i had crushes on older film actresses when i was younger, but that was never really in a sexual way, more like i wanted to *be* them, rather than be *with* them. i've had a slight crush one of my female friends from school. i know this sounds really petty and silly, but i think i might be gay or bisexual, and i'm so scared. my family are very religious, and i know that they will always love me, but if i was gay they would be really disappointed in me, and i know they would still love me but it would be like they would still love me even if i been caught dealing drugs or breaking the law. they find it homosexuality disgusting and can't understand it. . when i was little i wanted to get married to a man and have children, but that can't happen if i'm gay because i think a child needs a mother and a father. i really don't want to be gay, and i'm sorry if that offends anyone, but it's just how i feel. (i am not homophobic by the way, my best friend is bisexual - i know that's a cliche, but it's the truth). i'm sorry if this sounds trivial, and i may totally be jumping the gun here, but i've been thinking about it a lot over the past few days. if anyone else, gay, straight or bi has any experiences out there i'd be really grateful to hear about them. i don't know why it has suddenly hit me like this, but i've never felt this strongly about the topic before. i read books and watched the L word and always had a vague interest in lesbianism, but i never personalised it and imagined that i was gay. i've rambled on a lot, and if anyone has managed to get to the end then thankyou for just reading this. i'm sorry, but i'm quite upset at the moment and i'm just writing down the thoughts as they come into my head. might this just be a phase? has anyone else gone through this and come out straight at the end?

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Reply 1

Sausage

Hey calm down! Lots of girls kiss other girls, heck iv snogged about 3 of my girl mates and nothing has come of it. You need to get it straight in your head what you want from life and from who. But kissing someone doesnt necessarily mean you fancy said person. Dont panic and just think about it.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

thankyou. i'm sorry i've just re-read my post and i sound like a total twit. i was really upset when i wrote it, and it doesn't sound very rational. recently though i have been thinking about it carefully, and it would make some things make sense. i'm just really confused, and a little frightened. i just wanted to know if anyone else had been though the same thing. whenever i read about people's coming out stories, everyone always seems to have known for a long time, but it's only relatively recently occurred to me that maybe my feelings run deeper. thankyou for reading my post.

Reply 3

Zoecb

Watching The L word can confuse you. Certainly made me feel like my position on the Kinsey Scale was going up... Lol.

Reply 4

Ronove

Don't worry about it. I had a similar revelation recently. And if you're bi, you may well marry a guy and have kids anyway? Don't worry so much about what people might think and what will happen in the future, just focus on working things out for yourself.

Reply 5

cjsk

as for the whole "a child needs a mother and father" thing, i completely disagree..

you can totally have a "normal" life with a same sex partner (unless you live in a tiny town where everyone's still closed-minded about that sort of thing). i went through the exact same thing as you.. i used to dream of marrying a woman and having kids and a dog, etc, but when i realised i'm gay, it made me really confused and worried, but now, (5 or 6 years after) i know that they've legalised same sex marriage and adoption for a reason..

even if you're not gay/bi/wtv, just live with it and worry about that sort of thing as it comes..

Reply 6

Anonymous #2

Anonymous

i really don't want to be gay

I'm afraid you can't really 'choose' to be gay or not.
The best thing you can do is sit down and truly ask yourself (without thinking about parents, or the future or any other external factor) and embrace whatever outcome with open arms. Trust me, I've recently just discovered I'm bisexual and the worst thing you can do is deny it to yourself. I can't describe how liberated I felt when I finally accepted who and what I am.

And my parents are extremely religious too - if they found out, short of being forcefully loved by them, I'd be disowned.

Reply 7

high priestess fnord

forget the labels and just take things as they come. as you get older there will be far more opportunity to get out and experiment (with men or women) and if you are unsure then i guess its the only way to find out.

Reply 8

Thud

lol, calm down!

there's a good way of finding out.....go to a lesbian bar with a mate, if you like what you see then maybe you're not straight. :wink:

Reply 9

Angelil

Try not to worry about it. Regardless of what you are (and who says you need to know now?), anyone worth their salt will accept you for who you are.

I've never really 'understood' homosexuality, as it were, but it doesn't change my friends' personalities. I have several friends who are gay/lesbian/bi, and they're still kind, open-minded, intelligent people. It doesn't change our friendship. Try and relax a bit and whatever you are, it's something you'll work out in time.

Reply 10

Zoecb

I don't get why people defend their parents' homophobia, on religious grounds or otherwise.

Holding descriminatory views against anyone is pretty sickening, against your own child especially so.

If I was gay and my parents were homophobic, I'd disown THEM. Simple as that.

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

my parents are not homophobic. they don't agree with homosexuality and think it's wrong on religious grounds, but they are entitled to think that. just because they think it's wrong, doesn't mean they think it should be made illegal, people should be beaten up or denied jobs because of their sexual orientation. whilst not everyone thinks homosexuality is a sin, they do, but they also believe that you should hate the sin, and not the sinner. it's more complicated then that they simply hate gay people.

i've discussed this with my mother on a couple of occasions, and she has always made it clear they would still love me. however she thinks that if i was gay i would have thought about it before now, and i would have had crushes on female friends at school (which i never had). i guess i'm just very confused right now. thanks for people's advice. :smile:

Reply 12

Anonymous #2

Zoecb

I wish I could Zoecb, but I couldn't ever do anything to cause them that much pain. They're just as much entitled to think homosexuality is wrong as I am entitled to be indifferent to it.

Reply 13

Thud

Anonymous

I wish I could Zoecb, but I couldn't ever do anything to cause them that much pain. They're just as much entitled to think homosexuality is wrong as I am entitled to be indifferent to it.

just as entitled to think women are below men as well I suppose? :rolleyes:

it's only through combating outdated opinions that we'll ever be able to change them.

Reply 14

Anonymous #3

OP - you may just be going through a confused patch right now. However, you could equally be bisexual or a lesbian, and I'm afraid you can't help this even if you don't really want to be. If you are worried about what your parents will think then just wait until you are definately sure before telling them - there's no point saying something just to discover that you were just curious.

At the end of the day, try not to label your sexuality. Take it as it comes and realise that you are still you, whatever your sexual orientation. :smile:

Reply 15

bone-machine

well obviously it will tkae a bit more soul searching but to me you dont definitely sound gay/bisexual....things like feeling abit confused watching the L word, having a bit of a crush on your best friend seem pretty normal to me, it could just be you being bi curious.xxx

Reply 16

Zoecb

Anonymous

I wish I could Zoecb, but I couldn't ever do anything to cause them that much pain. They're just as much entitled to think homosexuality is wrong as I am entitled to be indifferent to it.

Well in that case, as someone who abhors disapproval of homosexuality, on grounds that it's utterly ridiculous and hateful however you wangle it, I reserve the right to have nothing to do with people who express such views even if they were my parents.

As far as I'm concerned they would have no right whatsoever to 'feel pain' on these grounds. Any negative emotion they feel is entirely their own fault for being such homophobic idiots. If they just held civilised views they wouldn't have any reason whatsoever to be upset.

Reply 17

Leafa

I wouldn't start getting worried about it, especilly not on the grounds that you haven't had an actual boyfriend. A lot of teenage boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are all part of a big popularity struggle (Ooh he's so popular, I must go out with him...) sort of thing, rather than because they actually care for each other.

Perhaps the right guy for you just hasn't come along yet! :smile:

Reply 18

Cambyses

Seriously, don't stress about it at all. If you are gay or bi, then it's not such a terrible thing, whatever your parents think about it. Almost every one of my female friends has had sexual/romantic feelings towards other girls, whether they be celebrities or friends, and hell, most girls I know kiss all the time and still consider themselves straight. It's totally normal to be bi-curious while still being straight, so this might be the case with you.
On the other hand, if you feel strongly that you are interested in girls and get no real satisfaction out of your hetero experiences, then it's a strong possibility you might be gay/bi. But don't think of this as a terrible thing! And don't worry about the family thing, as long as you're 2 loving parents you can be a perfect family for children.
You could try looking at it as something new, unexpected and exciting. I am bi, but when I was much younger I had no interest in boys at all and only found girls attractive. I tried to deny this for ages and was distressed that I couldn't force myself to stop liking girls. Then I finally admitted to myself that I was bi and actually preferred girls and I feel completely free about it now, and not confused or held back in any way.
There's no need to try and label yourself either, just seek new experiences, see what works for you, how you're most comfortable and happy.
But most of all DON'T WORRY! Either way, it isn't the end of the world!

Reply 19

zain88

If you really feel you must label yourself, then think of 'gay', 'bisexual' and 'straight' being 3 points on a spectrum, and you are somewhere on that line. You don't have to be exactly on one of these 3 points.

I would say I'm somewhere between straight and bisexual. I'm seeing a girl at the moment, but I'd still say I was straight, because I don't see myself with a female for the rest of my life. Also, even though I am attracted to her, it is much more of an emotional thing than a physical. For her, it might be different because she's a lesbian. But for me, I'm seeing her because I like her person. I couldn't have the same thing with any other female, I think she's an exception :smile:

.

Therefore, even though I am seeing someone of the same sex, I'd still say I'm straight.

Maybe you don't need to think as far as children, marriage etc. Take things slowly, because it is possible to have feelings/crushes on people of the same sex without having to have a new label.