Feeling Down.

I've tried posting on here before but my message never appeared so apologies if it comes up again. I'll try to keep it as short as I can..

Basically it's coming up to my 18th birthday soon and I just can't cope.. I've been unhappy for over 3 and a half years now I just can't continue like this anymore.

The main worry I have is that nothings going to change when I'm 18. I'm struggling so much to stay in college at the moment because of my poor attendence & falling behind with my work.

I feel as if I have no social life.. I know two people at my college I talk too rarely. I wouldn't label them as my 'friends'. I've always had a big problem with making friends & keeping a friendship, I just can't understand the whole concept of friendships. I've never in my life been friends with a girl which people might find strange, escpecially since I'm gay. I just fear girls for some reason. I can't remember the last time I just went out by myself let alone with someone else. I often get anxious & suffer from panic attacks and that stops with from doing normal stuff. I can't go into a clothes shop anymore because I'm insecure and feel so many negative feelings about myself. Sometimes I find it impossible to walk outside my door.

I'm barely just hanging in on college by a thread. I'm doing my A levels at the moment and finding it really difficult. Last year I got really poor grades but just enough to carry on with the second year. My grades have just got even worse this year. The only thing keeping me at college is Politics. To be honest its the only thing that is keeping me motivated in life. I just have a love & passion for it. Even in class I feel that my opinion doesn't matter. It's full of stuck up middle class kids & I get pushed to the side. Then they is University. I'm in two minds of going. 4/6 of my UCAS offers have been rejected and I feel that if I go, it might drive me to suicide. I don't feel I could get a job either because I couldn't cope.

To make things worse, health wise I've not felt good for a long while now. Everytime I excercise or go into a warm room I get heat rashes all over my body. I get a sharp, stabbing pain in my chest, the back on my head and down the side and my hearing goes all funny. The pain gets that bad I just have to stop what I'm doing because I feel too ill to do anything. Countless times I've told my doctor this is getting worse but she just puts it down to my anxiety and perhaps explains why I've been prescribed beta-blockers. This obviously gets me down and stops me from doing exercise.

I try to be a good person in life. I give to charity, I don't do drugs or criminal things. Why does it feel like I'm being punished? I always think to myself I'm not meant for this world and that I was a mistake. I'm self harming almost everyday now and it's getting worse & worse. As you get older you learn more about the world & you learn just how harsh it is. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've had enough of it.