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Bereavement Help and Support

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Reply 60
Original post by emiloujess
Hi

Thought I'd better give news on my Grandad... if anyone's interested...

Mum came around yesterday, and gave me an update. He's being moved out of the hospital and into a care home. Things have accelerated more than we previously thought, hence the move. He's got weeks now, a few months at the most....

I think it's starting to affect my college work, even if I'm not aware of it. My Film and Psychology grades have gone down quite a bit - for some reason I've managed to stay afloat in Sociology. My college don't know what's happening though.

Don't quite know what to do or think...


Maybe tell your head of college or one of the teachers you trust most that you've been having a difficult time so they can support you and cut you some slack and help you through it?

Try talking to your mum about it as well, I find talking to people who are close to you/ involved in the situation helps more because it distributes the weight on all of your shoulders instead of having to carry everything by yourself you know?

I'm sorry about what's happening with your grandad but maybe if you visit him frequently and tell him about how your studies are going well etc and make him happy and proud in his last moments? Think of the happy times :smile:
Maybe tell your head of college or one of the teachers you trust most that you've been having a difficult time so they can support you and cut you some slack and help you through it?

Try talking to your mum about it as well, I find talking to people who are close to you/ involved in the situation helps more because it distributes the weight on all of your shoulders instead of having to carry everything by yourself you know?

I'm sorry about what's happening with your grandad but maybe if you visit him frequently and tell him about how your studies are going well etc and make him happy and proud in his last moments? Think of the happy times :smile:


My Sociology teacher knows, and she's made it clear to me that she's there if I want to talk... I might have to tell my form tutor (who's also my Psych teacher) soon though.

I've never really been close to Mum, but I try and talk to her as often as I can. I struggle a lot with my emotions (possibly due to my Aspergers) so even I can't say how I really feel. Plus Mum's the one who's organising everything and with Grandad quite often.

Yeah I visited him on Saturday, but one of his friends was there so he didn't acknowledge me much. I did get to see my little brother and my aunt though.

I didn't really think I've ever been that close to him, but last Wednesday mum said "You used to be close to him too"... which just reminded me of when I was a child.
Reply 62
Original post by emiloujess
My Sociology teacher knows, and she's made it clear to me that she's there if I want to talk... I might have to tell my form tutor (who's also my Psych teacher) soon though.

I've never really been close to Mum, but I try and talk to her as often as I can. I struggle a lot with my emotions (possibly due to my Aspergers) so even I can't say how I really feel. Plus Mum's the one who's organising everything and with Grandad quite often.

Yeah I visited him on Saturday, but one of his friends was there so he didn't acknowledge me much. I did get to see my little brother and my aunt though.

I didn't really think I've ever been that close to him, but last Wednesday mum said "You used to be close to him too"... which just reminded me of when I was a child.


That's good that one member of staff knows so they're aware. Obviously only tell them when you're ready, you could ask your sociology teacher to speak to them about it if you don't feel comfortable
Awh try writing your feelings in letters, I used to do that with my mum (I don't have Aspergers so can't imagine how difficult that must be) but when I was writing about something that meant a lot to me/ hurts a lot I write it in a letter and give it to her
it brought us closer... maybe it'll work for you? It also allows you to sift through your emotions while you're writing it too and see how you really feel about the subject.

Ah maybe try and get private visits with him? Is he far away? But I remember when my grandad passed away my grandma told me "don't get close to anyone because it'll really hurt you if anything happens to them" so don't approach it with a 'please don't leave me' kind of desperate attitude but more like 'I'm trying to make the best of the time I have left with you' you get me? It'll hurt you both if you're really upset about it, but death is inevitable so don't make it sad! Try and celebrate the time he's spent on Earth and his achievements and have a few laughs. I know my grandad loved to laugh. Don't make it sad and silent, sit there cracking jokes having a cup of tea playing games listening to good music and having a good time yeah?

It's okay sometimes it affects you even though you and that person weren't that close (or maybe were but that faded). That's normal. But those moments you shared when you were young were happy weren't they? Think of the happy times and try and create more happy times with him! Try and learn from him too I bet he's learned a lot of lessons in his life! You'll be alright and when you're happy and positive he'll be happy and positive! Good luck :smile:
Maybe get in touch with your college counsellor if they have one. It may make it easier. I know how you feel, either too scared to say anything or don't want to have people around you pity you. If you do actually have a talk with the college counsellor maybe they can help you with your grades. If your college doesn't have one, do talk to your psychology teacher because they might have more insight into how your feeling and may have a better approach due to their psychology background
Grandad has got worse :frown: Dad says he'll be lucky if he makes it to next weekend... I'm going to see him tomorrow (today). I don't even know what to say right now, I'm sorry :frown: My relationship with Mum still isn't good either which really isn't helping, though at least my tutor knows now so she's aware that if I'm distracted I have a reason. My film teacher still has no clue. Up until now I haven't really been too upset, but now it's looming... After my dad told me I was in tears (after ending the conversation and putting the phone down, I hate showing weaknesses).

Apparently my 11 year old sister and 5 year old brother got told yesterday too... They're so upset right now :frown: we all are...

I don't know how my college work will be affected either... I'd love to make both him and my great-gran (who I was very close to and passed away a few years ago) proud by getting into university...
(edited 8 years ago)
Reply 65
Original post by emiloujess
Grandad has got worse :frown: Dad says he'll be lucky if he makes it to next weekend... I'm going to see him tomorrow (today). I don't even know what to say right now, I'm sorry :frown: My relationship with Mum still isn't good either which really isn't helping, though at least my tutor knows now so she's aware that if I'm distracted I have a reason. My film teacher still has no clue. Up until now I haven't really been too upset, but now it's looming... After my dad told me I was in tears (after ending the conversation and putting the phone down, I hate showing weaknesses).

Apparently my 11 year old sister and 5 year old brother got told yesterday too... They're so upset right now :frown: we all are...

I don't know how my college work will be affected either... I'd love to make both him and my great-gran (who I was very close to and passed away a few years ago) proud by getting into university...


:jumphug: I'm here if you need

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Original post by emiloujess
Grandad has got worse :frown: Dad says he'll be lucky if he makes it to next weekend... I'm going to see him tomorrow (today). I don't even know what to say right now, I'm sorry :frown: My relationship with Mum still isn't good either which really isn't helping, though at least my tutor knows now so she's aware that if I'm distracted I have a reason. My film teacher still has no clue. Up until now I haven't really been too upset, but now it's looming... After my dad told me I was in tears (after ending the conversation and putting the phone down, I hate showing weaknesses).

Apparently my 11 year old sister and 5 year old brother got told yesterday too... They're so upset right now :frown: we all are...

I don't know how my college work will be affected either... I'd love to make both him and my great-gran (who I was very close to and passed away a few years ago) proud by getting into university...


:console:

That's really sad, but I hope you can see him today :smile: I'm in a similar situation myself, visiting grandad in hospital this weekend and going home today but he lives quite far away so no idea when or if I'll see him again. I'm here whenever you need to talk :hugs:

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Original post by BurstingBubbles
:console:

That's really sad, but I hope you can see him today :smile: I'm in a similar situation myself, visiting grandad in hospital this weekend and going home today but he lives quite far away so no idea when or if I'll see him again. I'm here whenever you need to talk :hugs:


:jumphug:

Hopefully you'll be able to see him again before too long, and have enjoyed seeing this weekend. It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation, but at least you can still make the most of the times that you do get to see him still. And, of course, this thread is always here for you if you need as well :yep:
Original post by BurstingBubbles
It sounds like you're doing pretty well given the circumstances :smile: you should never feel guilty for having a break and enjoying work! Slowly there will become more good than bad days and you'll hopefully feel less guilty about continuing living your life and your mum will start to learn how to cope more with it. I hope the funeral gets sorted soon - do you have any ideas in mind for that?

I'm sure you wouldn't mind doing the same for your friend is the situation was in reverse, so try not to feel bad :smile:

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Hey. It's been a while since i've felt I could reply..

4 Months on and good days have become fewer. That one friend often asks me how i'm doing when we text - I always end up replying with 'ok', 'alright' or just ignoring that part altogether. I know inside I'm not ok, alright and want to tell everyone but I can't. Not because I can't talk to these people, but because I don't want their pitty, there is nothing they can say that will make things better and it would just ruin their days and i'd become a burden. Having said that, I can already tell I text this one friend far too often which I know is unfair and is starting to become annoying.

This Easter break has been pretty difficult, mainly because it means more time at home. I only have 5 weeks left of uni before the summer and i'm wondering how i'll cope when I clearly am not as it stands.

Hope you're all doing well.
Original post by Anonymous
Hey. It's been a while since i've felt I could reply..

4 Months on and good days have become fewer. That one friend often asks me how i'm doing when we text - I always end up replying with 'ok', 'alright' or just ignoring that part altogether. I know inside I'm not ok, alright and want to tell everyone but I can't. Not because I can't talk to these people, but because I don't want their pitty, there is nothing they can say that will make things better and it would just ruin their days and i'd become a burden. Having said that, I can already tell I text this one friend far too often which I know is unfair and is starting to become annoying.

This Easter break has been pretty difficult, mainly because it means more time at home. I only have 5 weeks left of uni before the summer and i'm wondering how i'll cope when I clearly am not as it stands.

Hope you're all doing well.


(This is me)
Posting Anonymously just makes me worry if i've ticked the box or not! Don't often use TSR anymore so theres no point hiding in the shadows.
Grandad passed away at 6:05pm tonight...

I cried for a solid 5 minutes and now I just feel numb. Mum phoned to tell me (I don't live with my parents) and apparently he passed away when he was 'sleeping' (he's been in a coma-like state). She still has to tell my brother and sister.

I have college tomorrow...
Original post by emiloujess
Grandad passed away at 6:05pm tonight...

I cried for a solid 5 minutes and now I just feel numb. Mum phoned to tell me (I don't live with my parents) and apparently he passed away when he was 'sleeping' (he's been in a coma-like state). She still has to tell my brother and sister.

I have college tomorrow...


I'm really sorry of your loss :frown:

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Original post by emiloujess
Grandad passed away at 6:05pm tonight...

I cried for a solid 5 minutes and now I just feel numb. Mum phoned to tell me (I don't live with my parents) and apparently he passed away when he was 'sleeping' (he's been in a coma-like state). She still has to tell my brother and sister.

I have college tomorrow...


I'm really sorry to hear this! We're all hear for you talk to, on this thread or PM - whichever you prefer. All I can say is that time does help, trust me, but use this time to think about the memories with him and to help to support your family too. It's okay to cry for hours if you need, and if you need some time off, it could help you in the long run. Look after yourself at this awful time :hugs:
Original post by Anonymous
Hey. It's been a while since i've felt I could reply..

4 Months on and good days have become fewer. That one friend often asks me how i'm doing when we text - I always end up replying with 'ok', 'alright' or just ignoring that part altogether. I know inside I'm not ok, alright and want to tell everyone but I can't. Not because I can't talk to these people, but because I don't want their pitty, there is nothing they can say that will make things better and it would just ruin their days and i'd become a burden. Having said that, I can already tell I text this one friend far too often which I know is unfair and is starting to become annoying.

This Easter break has been pretty difficult, mainly because it means more time at home. I only have 5 weeks left of uni before the summer and i'm wondering how i'll cope when I clearly am not as it stands.

Hope you're all doing well.


Original post by Sockhead
(This is me)
Posting Anonymously just makes me worry if i've ticked the box or not! Don't often use TSR anymore so theres no point hiding in the shadows.


Sorry, I thought I had replied, but time is getting away from me :redface: It's so difficult when it's this stage - everything is still so raw but people think you are moving on, which is simply not the case. It's only been 4 months, it's no time at all! Over 4 years on and I still have my bad days, and that's completely fine. Do you not have anyone who understands? I find there are normally at least one of two people who are more understanding. You'll find people are more there for you than it seems, they probably don't want to say the wrong thing! If it was in the reverse situation I'm sure you wouldn't mind but would be cautious about what you said - people are generally a lot more understanding than we think :yes:

Try writing things down or even creating a blog if you need to let stuff out without feeling like a burden :hugs:
Original post by BurstingBubbles
I'm really sorry to hear this! We're all hear for you talk to, on this thread or PM - whichever you prefer. All I can say is that time does help, trust me, but use this time to think about the memories with him and to help to support your family too. It's okay to cry for hours if you need, and if you need some time off, it could help you in the long run. Look after yourself at this awful time :hugs:


Thank you, it means a lot :smile: I went to see him on Thursday, the day before the doc got called out. Mum called and asked if I wanted to go see him today or whether I wanted to remember him as he was and I chose the latter... Now I feel really guilty for it and keep wondering if he would have hated me had he known. At the moment I'll be crying for like 10 minutes and then supposedly completely fine, it's comfusing :frown:

My friend basically ordered me not to go into college tomorrow so... and Tuesday is a full day so if I feel okay I'll go back on Wednesday. I'm just kinda glad my brother and sister don't go back this week.

Original post by thevamps99xo
I'm really sorry of your loss :frown:

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Original post by emiloujess
Thank you, it means a lot :smile: I went to see him on Thursday, the day before the doc got called out. Mum called and asked if I wanted to go see him today or whether I wanted to remember him as he was and I chose the latter... Now I feel really guilty for it and keep wondering if he would have hated me had he known. At the moment I'll be crying for like 10 minutes and then supposedly completely fine, it's comfusing :frown:

My friend basically ordered me not to go into college tomorrow so... and Tuesday is a full day so if I feel okay I'll go back on Wednesday. I'm just kinda glad my brother and sister don't go back this week.


I think it was a really sensible decision to make and, honestly, seeing him frail would have been really difficult and not helpful for either of you. I understand the guilt though - I chose to go home and not see my dad's last breath, because I wanted to see him alive and not see his last breath, and although I will always wonder if it was the right choice, I know he wouldn't have wanted me to see that and remember him alive (even if he was in a coma at the time). Sometimes feeling numb or 'fine' is a self protection, you're going through a lot and it shows emotional resilience if you can have times, no matter how short, of feeling less upset. It's early days so you're going to have good times and bad - it was literally today that he passed away, so you are having good moments and bad moments instead of days. Give it time and you'll have longer times of feeling better, and the bad times will be less frequent. It's all part of the process - remember nothing is 'normal' for grief, so if you feel a bit better before you expect then don't feel guilty, feel proud - I'm sure your grandad would be very proud of you :hugs:
(edited 8 years ago)
Original post by emiloujess
Grandad passed away at 6:05pm tonight...

I cried for a solid 5 minutes and now I just feel numb. Mum phoned to tell me (I don't live with my parents) and apparently he passed away when he was 'sleeping' (he's been in a coma-like state). She still has to tell my brother and sister.

I have college tomorrow...


I'm really sorry to hear his. having experienced it myself I think its almost the worst thing that can happen to you in life.

However you feel or react its ok, we all react in different ways. Cry if you wnat to dont cry if you dont want. I expect it will feel surreal.

Whilst you will have to deal with some very difficult feelings on the one hand its important you look after yourself as well. that means trying to eat and get some sleep if you can.

Am sure you will post vack here for company if you need to. Take care.
Original post by BurstingBubbles
I think it was a really sensible decision to make and, honestly, seeing him frail would have been really difficult and not helpful for either of you. I understand the guilt though - I chose to go home and not see my dad's last breath, because I wanted to see him alive and not see his last breath, and although I will always wonder if it was the right choice, I know he wouldn't have wanted me to see that and remember him alive (even if he was in a coma at the time). Sometimes feeling numb or 'fine' is a self protection, you're going through a lot and it shows emotional resilience if you can have times, no matter how short, of feeling less upset. It's early days so you're going to have good times and bad - it was literally yesterday that he passed away, so you are having good moments and bad moments instead of days. Give it time and you'll have longer times of feeling better, and the bad times will be less frequent. It's all part of the process - remember nothing is 'normal' for grief, so if you feel a bit better before you expect then don't feel guilty, feel proud - I'm sure your grandad would be very proud of you :hugs:


Mum was there for his last breath and so, I think, was my auntie Hayley (Grandad's daughter). I think my reasoning at the time was if Dad (his son) isn't able to see him like that how could I possibly cope? A bit selfish of me really I think :/ But yeah I think it would be better if I focus on the good times, even though we haven't really been close for the last few years we were when I was a child.

Mum has asked me if I want her to pick me up and bring me home but I think I would just be overwhelmed by it :frown:


I hope he is... I know if I could get into uni he would be so proud so when I go back I'm going to use it as a motivator, as bad as that probably sounds.

Original post by 999tigger
I'm really sorry to hear his. having experienced it myself I think its almost the worst thing that can happen to you in life.

However you feel or react its ok, we all react in different ways. Cry if you wnat to dont cry if you dont want. I expect it will feel surreal.

Whilst you will have to deal with some very difficult feelings on the one hand its important you look after yourself as well. that means trying to eat and get some sleep if you can.

Am sure you will post vack here for company if you need to. Take care.


Thank you, it means a lot :smile:
I havent read the thread, but I cna tell you how I felt and lots of other people I know who have experienced it. There is no right way to react its completely personal, so you dont need to live up to other peoples expectations of what you should be like. Maube just think of your Grandad being in a better place, not in any pain and also all the memories you have of times you enjoyed together.
Reply 79
Original post by emiloujess
Grandad passed away at 6:05pm tonight...

I cried for a solid 5 minutes and now I just feel numb. Mum phoned to tell me (I don't live with my parents) and apparently he passed away when he was 'sleeping' (he's been in a coma-like state). She still has to tell my brother and sister.

I have college tomorrow...


:hugs:

I honestly don't know what I can say to help you feel better, but I am a good listener if you feel like that will help

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