What leads to fear of commitment in men?

Tbf were all making assumptions here unless someone has experience of the above?

Well seeing the whole marriage route is effectively becoming more and more a bad deal. On top of that many groups are, rather successfully I may add, campaigning for co-habiting couples to get the same legal rights as married couples.

Basically when the relationship is over you get screwed over and your social life is expected to drastically change when in a relationship.

I don't think the majority of men really mind the commitment aspect of relationships in of itself. It's the sum of all the small and rather large negatives.

I wrote that some men have a fear of commitment not most. However I admitted that most (if not all) of the men I have personally attracted into my life have had this fear and that I hold some responsibility towards attracting them into my life.

It's interesting to think of it more as a dislike as opposed to a fear that gives me something to think about and I can see that now. Like the whole sex thing in point 2 I think men keeping their options open and preferring to play the field is a big thing especially given how easy it can be in today's society. I personally don't relate to that though as I do not have an inclination to sleep with lots of men and would prefer a deep, meaningful bond with the man that I sleep with even if that comes with more compromise and sacrifice.

However for instance based on your point 3 I still think fear is a substantial element of it as the man is too afraid to take a risk as he is afraid it will impact his finances and emotional well being negatively. He is afraid it just won't pay off so he does not bother as he thinks a woman will only take from the table and not have anything to add to it. I can sympathise that there are a few men who have been used for their assets or grown up in broken homes where the father got rinsed by the divorce and family courts and through emotional hell, leading to a lack of trust in women and relationships.

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Your question is too personal for me to even consider answering.

You're understanding some of the cultural reasons why men may dislike commitment but there are natural ones too. when there are more women than men in a community or when men perceive that there are more sexually available women men become less committed to one woman. when the reverse is true, when there are more men then there are women, or that there are less sexually available women men become more committed. A lot of Evolutionary Psychologists have noticed this phenomenon. http://archive.unews.utah.edu/news_releases/men-want-commitment-when-women-are-scarce/

In my case, it's a fear of giving up my freedom. I really like doing whatever I want whenever I feel like it, without being accountable to anyone else.

I'm also not entirely keen on the dependence that comes with relationships. I don't want to be (even slightly) responsible for someone else's happiness.

However for instance based on your point 3 I still think fear is a substantial element of it as the man is too afraid to take a risk as he is afraid it will impact his finances and emotional well being negatively. He is afraid it just won't pay off so he does not bother as he thinks a woman will only take from the table and not have anything to add to it. I can sympathise that there are a few men who have been used for their assets or grown up in broken homes where the father got rinsed by the divorce and family courts and through emotional hell, leading to a lack of trust in women and relationships.

I don't think it is fear. It is simply avoiding a situation that you don't currently consider to have a good cost-benefit ratio. Let me repeat it again, it is not fear imo. In more game theoretic terms: commitment has too many risks (financial and psychological) and too few benefits (secure access to regular sex for a period of time ranging from now till her menopause) for your average male when compared to singlehood which has few risks (STIs, unwanted pregnancies) and too many benefits (freedom to pursue female mates or to play out any of your fantasies - because chances are you will find someone who shares your fantasies, your finances are for your sole benefit, no relationship/cheating drama, no break-up drama, freedom to move around geographically, freedom to dedicate your time to things of your interest -as opposed to having to dedicated part/half of your time to things you don't care about).

It is all a game where the interests of a player are evolutionarily defined by their sex. Females have a goal and males have another. It is only rational that each player will attempt to do whatever is needed to ensure he/she reaches his/her goal.

Yes if you want to keep your freedom and your own routines then that is completely understandable.

The whole issue of dependence is interesting and I suppose it relates your ideas of what a relationship is. Do you also fear that your own happiness may become dependant on someone else and that that would give them power over your life, and not just the other way around? Or do you feel that a woman will only take more than she can give?

I don't think it is fear. It is simply avoiding a situation that you don't currently consider to have a good cost-benefit ratio. Let me repeat it again, it is not fear imo. In more game theoretic terms: commitment has too many risks (financial and psychological) and too few benefits (secure access to regular sex for a period of time ranging from now till her menopause) for your average male when compared to singlehood which has few risks (STIs, unwanted pregnancies) and too many benefits (freedom to pursue female mates or to play out any of your fantasies - because chances are you will find someone who shares your fantasies, your finances are for your sole benefit, no relationship/cheating drama, no break-up drama, freedom to move around geographically, freedom to dedicate your time to things of your interest -as opposed to having to dedicated part/half of your time to things you don't care about).

It is all a game where the interests of a player are evolutionarily defined by their sex. Females have a goal and males have another. It is only rational that each player will attempt to do whatever is needed to ensure he/she reaches his/her goal.

It's not commitment itself that men are 'afraid' of. It's what men are being asked to commit to.

Take marriage. I do not want to sign a legal contract that will force me to give half of my net worth to someone, regardless of whether or not they were the instigator of the divorce, or if they were adulterous.

Nor do I trust a family court system that is heavily biased against men, where I have to prove I'm a good dad rather than that being the base assumption with the opposing lawyer attempting to prove otherwise.

Thanks for your answer. Yes fear of marriage, or just seeing it as obsolete, is one thing but I am also referring to even the initial fear of committing to becoming someone's boyfriend. However with reference to marriage do you not think if men only chose women of a similar status/salary to themselves they would not lose out so much? I think part of the reason men lose out is because they pick women who earn much less than them but in cases where the women earns more she gets rinsed too, think Katy Perry having to pay out Russell Brand, Myleene Klass's divorce settlement she has to pay her ex, Halle Berry having to pay child support to her ex, Megan Fox is set to pay a huge settlement and had no prenup etc.

Yes good point about the lose of the social life as they know it. I think the same applies to women as well not as many girls nights out etc although I've never been one for partying myself so it wouldn't bother me I prefer meeting friends in the day or early evening sans alcohol.

1.I would still argue that is constitutes to fear. Fear is not weakness nor is it even a negative thing - it's recognising the danger and protecting yourself as necessary for instance using your experiences and observations to weigh out the cost-benefit analysis and deciding to opt out as you have done above. 2.None of us would survive without fear 4.the problem is when it becomes the driving force in your life rather than' love' - I don't mean that in the romantic or Westernised/commercial sense of the word I'm basically talking about 4.an openness to give and receive, and in my view there is a duality between the two they are two side of the same coin and a fine line between them. 5.Perhaps it is just me but we only fear because we want safety, acceptance and stability.

6. I find it interesting but also a little upsetting in your analysis that the only thing a woman can bring to a relationship is 'secure access to regular sex for a period of time ranging from now till her menopause'. Whilst sex is undoubtedly important in relationship if it is the sole point of focus or all that exists with then yes one's sights are best set elsewhere. However I do feel that we women must take accountability for the fact that we are only seen to bring regular sex to a man's life and no substance.

I agree that there is an evolutionary/biological basis for all of this. However perhaps I am now being idealistic but 7.I feel both men and women can transcend their nature rather than play games with each other.

The former. I guess I just believe everyone (including me) should derive happiness from within. An extension of that is that people should be responsible for their own happiness. This conclusion isn't really consistent with committed long-term relationships.

what would it take for the ratio of risks to benefits to tip in the 'benefits' direction when it comes to commiting?

My question was not about putting a ring on it more about just committing to be someone's boyfriend as I admitted in my OP that no man has even committed to be being my boyfriend.

However since marriage has arisen many times here I think it is important to discuss it as this seems to be a big fear for many and understandably so.

Marriage should have more meaning than just being a monetary contract. It is not just about finances it as about two lives committing to each other not two back accounts/real estates. However I do agree that financial element is important and the divorce courts do tend to favour women, however most men marry women who earn/work less than them. If a man were to marry a co-provider of similar status and they were to put in equal amounts over the years for property and bills etc there would not be much for her to rinse out of him or better yet if he is that scared marry someone much more well off than himself... Unless they had children which leads the next point: What I do agree with is that there is a massive problem and bias when it comes to custody battles. I'm not yet a mother but I cannot imagine my children being taken from me and I don't think men should have to either I would rather someone took all my money than my children, the money doesn't not pale in comparison. For this reason I can completely understand why a man may hesitate to start a family and I think it is a sad state of affairs that fear having them taken away stops them from bothering in the first place.

I agree that we should be the source of our own happiness and that it should starts from within, but 1. I don't think that means that we can't share our happiness with others? I'm not just talking about romantic partners but 2.surely family and friends bring something to your life also? 3.Do you not think you can be dependant within a long-term committed relationship? 4.It's just my opinion but I do think that two wholes rather than two halves can come together.

The former. I guess I just believe everyone (including me) should derive happiness from within. An extension of that is that people should be responsible for their own happiness. This conclusion isn't really consistent with committed long-term relationships.