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I want a baby.... watch

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    So here's the situation:

    I'm almost 22, I've just graduated with a 1st from a Russel Group university and have moved in with my long-term boyfriend.

    Everyone (my friends and family) is obviously expecting me to get a graduate job and start climbing the career ladder, but I don't really want to - I want to start a family instead...

    My boyfriend and I are committed to each other (we've been together for almost five years and he's just bought a 4-bed house with the intention of us raising our family here) and he told me (when I had a pregnancy scare a few months ago) that if I accidentally got pregnant then he wouldn't mind.

    He's even said that if I decided I wanted to have lots of children (e.g. 5-10 kids - he's from a big family) then he would be happy to start a family straight away, but he knows that I'd rather just have 2 or 3.

    Since I only want a relatively small number of children, he (and everyone else...) thinks that it would be most sensible for me to get at least a few years of work experience under my belt before we start a family. I know it makes logical sense, but I feel like those few years could be spent enjoying time with our children, rather than just waiting and working.

    I know that some people in my position would just stop taking the pill in secret and then pretend it was an accident, but I couldn't live with myself if I lied to my boyfriend about something like that. Every time I get my withdrawal bleed, I feel so disappointed, but my conscience won't allow me to deliberately sabotage my contraception.

    I don't want people to think I'm sponging off him - I'm not workshy, I just feel like motherhood is calling me. How can I talk to my boyfriend about this without sounding like I'm just trying to avoid getting a job?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So here's the situation:

    I'm almost 22, I've just graduated with a 1st from a Russel Group university and have moved in with my long-term boyfriend.

    Everyone (my friends and family) is obviously expecting me to get a graduate job and start climbing the career ladder, but I don't really want to - I want to start a family instead...

    My boyfriend and I are committed to each other (we've been together for almost five years and he's just bought a 4-bed house with the intention of us raising our family here) and he told me (when I had a pregnancy scare a few months ago) that if I accidentally got pregnant then he wouldn't mind.

    He's even said that if I decided I wanted to have lots of children (e.g. 5-10 kids - he's from a big family) then he would be happy to start a family straight away, but he knows that I'd rather just have 2 or 3.

    Since I only want a relatively small number of children, he (and everyone else...) thinks that it would be most sensible for me to get at least a few years of work experience under my belt before we start a family. I know it makes logical sense, but I feel like those few years could be spent enjoying time with our children, rather than just waiting and working.

    I know that some people in my position would just stop taking the pill in secret and then pretend it was an accident, but I couldn't live with myself if I lied to my boyfriend about something like that. Every time I get my withdrawal bleed, I feel so disappointed, but my conscience won't allow me to deliberately sabotage my contraception.

    I don't want people to think I'm sponging off him - I'm not workshy, I just feel like motherhood is calling me. How can I talk to my boyfriend about this without sounding like I'm just trying to avoid getting a job?
    I imagined that your boyfriend suggested some years of working for the work experience to call upon after you've had a baby. It'd be easier to give real work examples in an interview when you're ready to start working again. I imagine it would be difficult to say why you're so suitable for a job when your last relevant experience, maybe, was while you were at university before your child was born. I don't think it's a matter of him thinking you're a sponge.
    If you really feel you want to start a family now then just talk to him about it. If he implies that you're sponging then address that, but your want for a family doesn't automatically mean you're avoiding work.
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    It sounds like he wants to have kids himself at some point, why dont you have a chat about both of your expectations i.e. would he be happy working on his own to support you and your child or would he want both of you to become more established in your careers before starting a family.
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    Raising kids costs a lot of money not to mention the sleepless nights etc, why not live life a bit first before settling down?
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    You should never sabotage contreception! Speaking on the basis of trust in the relationship it is a horrible thing to do. Just talk to him about it. It's fine if you want to start a family, it's your life but it should be a mutual agreement.
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    This is what you do..
    1. Talk to your boyfriend, if he wants a baby soon proceed, to step 2.
    2. Get a perminant grad level job in a big company.
    3. Check finances are good and that you get decent maternity benifits.
    4 stop taking the pill.
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    (Original post by sliceofcake)
    I imagined that your boyfriend suggested some years of working for the work experience to call upon after you've had a baby. It'd be easier to give real work examples in an interview when you're ready to start working again. I imagine it would be difficult to say why you're so suitable for a job when your last relevant experience, maybe, was while you were at university before your child was born. I don't think it's a matter of him thinking you're a sponge. .
    What you say about useful work experience making it easier to get a job later is exactly what my boyfriend is thinking and I know it makes sense. It's more his family (in particular his busy-body of a sister) who would think (and probably already do think) I'm sponging off him.

    I wish there were a way for me to get that all-important work experience whilst also starting a family; I wish it didn't have to be one or the other right now. I just have this fear that once I start working, it will be a case of "Just one more year's experience, then children..." and after that "Just one more year, then children" ad infinitum

    (Original post by TheonlyMrsHolmes)
    You should never sabotage contreception! Speaking on the basis of trust in the relationship it is a horrible thing to do. Just talk to him about it. It's fine if you want to start a family, it's your life but it should be a mutual agreement.
    Woah, woah, woah! Did you not read the part where I expressly said that I would NOT sabotage my contraception?? I agree that it's a horrible thing to do, hence me not having done it and not planning on doing it. That's why I'm on here asking advice about what I should do.
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    give me your first and I'll use it on something productive. having a baby at 22 is very degenerative mindset
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What you say about useful work experience making it easier to get a job later is exactly what my boyfriend is thinking and I know it makes sense. It's more his family (in particular his busy-body of a sister) who would think (and probably already do think) I'm sponging off him.

    I wish there were a way for me to get that all-important work experience whilst also starting a family; I wish it didn't have to be one or the other right now. I just have this fear that once I start working, it will be a case of "Just one more year's experience, then children..." and after that "Just one more year, then children" ad infinitum
    It sounds to me like his sister is always going to be someone who sticks her nose in just to disapprove. One day, after however many years working as you like, you'll have children and she'll judge their names, your parenting style, their clothes, their development... don't let her self-righteous attitude dictate you or your boyfriend's choices. She's a consequence of your relationship with him rather than a rule you have to abide by.

    It's up to you and your boyfriend when you try to start a family, but a suggestion that you could work by is.. you could start trying when you get a job. You'll have roughly 8 months work experience which isn't much, but you could be at a place that will want you to return there after you've had your time with baby. I don't know how good of a suggestion this is, as I have no interest in having kids, but basically there is no 'right' amount of experience to have before you have children. Don't put too much pressure on yourself for either, because one will follow the other eventually, in whichever order!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So here's the situation:

    I'm almost 22, I've just graduated with a 1st from a Russel Group university and have moved in with my long-term boyfriend.

    Everyone (my friends and family) is obviously expecting me to get a graduate job and start climbing the career ladder, but I don't really want to - I want to start a family instead...

    My boyfriend and I are committed to each other (we've been together for almost five years and he's just bought a 4-bed house with the intention of us raising our family here) and he told me (when I had a pregnancy scare a few months ago) that if I accidentally got pregnant then he wouldn't mind.

    He's even said that if I decided I wanted to have lots of children (e.g. 5-10 kids - he's from a big family) then he would be happy to start a family straight away, but he knows that I'd rather just have 2 or 3.

    Since I only want a relatively small number of children, he (and everyone else...) thinks that it would be most sensible for me to get at least a few years of work experience under my belt before we start a family. I know it makes logical sense, but I feel like those few years could be spent enjoying time with our children, rather than just waiting and working.

    I know that some people in my position would just stop taking the pill in secret and then pretend it was an accident, but I couldn't live with myself if I lied to my boyfriend about something like that. Every time I get my withdrawal bleed, I feel so disappointed, but my conscience won't allow me to deliberately sabotage my contraception.

    I don't want people to think I'm sponging off him - I'm not workshy, I just feel like motherhood is calling me. How can I talk to my boyfriend about this without sounding like I'm just trying to avoid getting a job?
    I'm actually going to agree with you over others in your approach. Far better to crank all 3 out one after the other and then not have your career interrupted once you start it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)



    Woah, woah, woah! Did you not read the part where I expressly said that I would NOT sabotage my contraception?? I agree that it's a horrible thing to do, hence me not having done it and not planning on doing it. That's why I'm on here asking advice about what I should do.
    Yeah the latter was my advice, the former was me expressing shock to the statement, I always find it shocking.
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    That's just your body naturally trying to tell you to hurry up because that's our entire life's purpose according to our hormones!

    Honestly, you're so young you should get a few years of experience under your belt and enjoy your young adult life before you commit to kids. There's no rush, it would be terrible to regret having them so early. Even if you just want till you're 25 that's still incredibly young to start a family but you'd know you made the most of life before kids came along.
 
 
 
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