dependence on bf

i met my bf a few months ago at uni and i'm beginning to feel as though its started to take over my life. i know this sounds extreme in many ways but i'm finding it really difficult to prevent this from happening.

basically, i've always been ever so insecure. i spent 19 years of my life in a place where i was physically and mentally abused. its made me really bitter. so when i met my bf, for the first time, it sort of felt like things fell into place. but at the same time, it made me feel the most vulnerable i've ever felt, and really insecure. i know this might sound like an excuse for my current problems, but it affected me a lot.

at first, it started off really well. don't get me wrong, its still perfect. we both love each other and we are really strong. its my first proper relationship so sometimes i do feel slightly naive and a bit young. but anyway. it sort of got to the point where i would over analyse things he said. and if he made me feel special, it would make me feel unbearably happy. ever since i've been in this relationship, i've experienced some of the best days of my life. and its because he made me feel that little bit more special. but then if i don't see him for a few days, or if i take something to heart, i become really depressed. the other day, some girls on my course were making a big deal out of how my bf didn't buy me anything for valentines day, and that made me feel quite depressed. i feel like i depend on his comments to fulfil my self worth. i don't like it when he talks to other girls, because it makes me feel inadequate. even little things like him leaving a kiss on the end of a text to a friend that is a girl or something seems to affect me. and also the way he'll hug other girls in front of me. i have this unexplained fear that hes going to cheat on me, when i know that he never would. i know it sounds like i'm some sort of control freak, but i can't help feeling this way. i'm either really really happy or really really sad. i can't change my mindset. it feels as though the best parts of my days are the times when i see him. and before i came to uni, i had all these dreams, motivation and ambitions. now i have nothing. i feel its because of him. because he makes me feel like nothing else in the world matters except us.

i've told a couple of people about this. and they say that it is worrying. and i sort of realise it is. because its taking over me and my emotions and its really hard for me to get on with my day without him. i've signed up for counselling at my uni, but i haven't heard from them at all. i've tried to get involved with other activities, i go out with my housemates as much as possible, but usually end up leaving early just because he isn't there so i can't have fun. i just don't know what to do anymore. has anyone else ever felt the same? what did you do to deal with it? :frown:

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

I found that as I continued in the relationship, I found my own identity. I began to feel more confident because I actually began to believe what he was telling me (ie. that I was pretty, that I was funny). Now that I'm more confident in who I am, I find it easier to go out without him and have fun, and to make different friends, to spend a day without him, etc.
However, there is the danger that you will find an identity which is still dependent.
I think that you did a really good thing in signing up for counselling. If I were you, I'd chase up your uni about it. They should be able to help you sort out your issues.

Reply 2

shinytoy

i'd personally break it off with him, and deal with your problems alone until you are emotionally strong enough to be in a relationship. otherwise all teh jealousy and insecurity will build up, or alternatively, if he breaks up with you, you'll just feel weven worse as you've based your self esteem around him. maybe expain to him how you feel and take a break to deal with your problems alone, then get back with him

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

you make it sound easy to break off with someone your completely in love with and have been with for the past 5 months. i could never do that.

Reply 4

Nix!

Anonymous

you make it sound easy to break off with someone your completely in love with and have been with for the past 5 months. i could never do that.

No one said it was easy, but sooner or later you're going to have to learn.

Reply 5

Chewwy

whaaaaaaat? this girl likes her boyfriend a lot, so you people are telling her to break up with him?

nice advice...

Reply 6

PaperMoon

I don't think all this has to do with your boyfriend, you don't make him sound controlling or anything, it's all about your self esteem.

I think it's quite normal to be happiest when you see the person you're with, and even the jealousy is quite understandable considering you feel insecure.

I think you should try and make more friends on your own,people he doesn't know. It's so much better for me and my boyfriend now,before we used to have the same social circle, but now we have separate friends we have so much more to talk about...and it's made us stronger because even if we're not always together, we're still just as close.

If you have other things/people to occupy you, you won't be as dependent on him for your happiness. I mean, you're putting the poor guy under pressure too, he seems to be wholly responsible for your state of mind at all times,that's a lot to take on.