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Needing other guys' attention when i'm in a realtionship
ok, firstly i love my boyfriend very much. we've been together for 2.5 years and could both see ourselves staying togther for the rest of our lives, if everything went to plan.
Problem is, that I worry a lot. about losing him for good. i dont mean cheating, i've never worried about that, but irrational worry about him dying and never being able to find anyone else who likes me. Like, he'd go out in the evening and i'd not be able to do anything, for worrying that he'd never come back, and if i called and he didnt answer, i'd freak out uncontrollably.
But over the last year or so, and through counselling i found out that the reason for the irrational worrying was that i'd had this deep rooted belief that i'd never find anyone else. Previous to going to uni and meeting him, i'd never had any friends, let alone a bf and this is probably the source. I now have a good few close friends and him, but the belief has been hard to shake and i still worry.
so, not entirely conincidentally, i've ended up with a good few guy friends who are into me to varying degrees, (from saying that they love me, to just flirting). Now I have a very strict moral code and have never done anything with them, but I do enjoy and indeed feel that i need these other guys attention, and it is helping me stop worrying to know that there are other guys out there, even if i cant see myself with then, and still want to be with my boy.
Is this wrong? Should I get rid of them, even when it helps me feel more secure about my relationship and makes me worry less?
Problem is, that I worry a lot. about losing him for good. i dont mean cheating, i've never worried about that, but irrational worry about him dying and never being able to find anyone else who likes me. Like, he'd go out in the evening and i'd not be able to do anything, for worrying that he'd never come back, and if i called and he didnt answer, i'd freak out uncontrollably.
But over the last year or so, and through counselling i found out that the reason for the irrational worrying was that i'd had this deep rooted belief that i'd never find anyone else. Previous to going to uni and meeting him, i'd never had any friends, let alone a bf and this is probably the source. I now have a good few close friends and him, but the belief has been hard to shake and i still worry.
so, not entirely conincidentally, i've ended up with a good few guy friends who are into me to varying degrees, (from saying that they love me, to just flirting). Now I have a very strict moral code and have never done anything with them, but I do enjoy and indeed feel that i need these other guys attention, and it is helping me stop worrying to know that there are other guys out there, even if i cant see myself with then, and still want to be with my boy.
Is this wrong? Should I get rid of them, even when it helps me feel more secure about my relationship and makes me worry less?
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how does your bf feel about all the attention your getting from these guys? all my mates are guys and at first my bf was a littl put off by it and when a guy im friendly wit turns out to fancy me then its the source of all sorts of arguments wit my bf... you'v got2 ask urself if its worth these possible (probabl) arguments and making ur bf insecure in the process, just to stop your worrying. tlk to your bf about it and then hopefully you can get over whatever it is that is holding you back!
goodluck hunny!
xSx
goodluck hunny!
xSx
Reply 2
I have a similar thing to you, I don't even care if I don't have a boyfriend, just as long as I had guy attention would be good enough for me. When I did have a boyf, all I could think about was how I could be with someone else (no-one in particular but just some other guys.)
Reply 3
And by "how I could be with someone else " I mean I could be going out with Mr X for example instead of my current boyf. Rather than "how could I be thinking such things."
Reply 4
We all need a bit of extra attention from the opposite sex, single or not. So if you are physically and spiritually faithful to your boyfriend, there's nothing wrong with it.
Reply 5
To be honest, it does seem a bit wrong to me, using other guys feelings to help your own insecurities. You said one guy was in love with you? It's not really fair on him, surely, to use his affection to keep up your self esteem? And to be his friend just to make yourself feel better?
I don't know, but it doesn't really sound like you *need* other guys' attention, rather that you would prefer it and you're just being a bit self indulgent by pandering to this insecurity.
I don't want to sound harsh, I can understand how you might feel but I do think that it would be best to get over it. Even if you and your boyfriend do split up then it's probably best not to immediately turn to guys who show you love to make yourself feel better. Independence and self-confidence without guys is better. Trust me.
But I don't think you're doing anything wrong to your boyfriend, (unless you flirt back? ) since you don't like the guys and you would never cheat. I just think it's not a great way of going about things for your sake and for the sake of that guy who is in love with you.
I don't know, but it doesn't really sound like you *need* other guys' attention, rather that you would prefer it and you're just being a bit self indulgent by pandering to this insecurity.
I don't want to sound harsh, I can understand how you might feel but I do think that it would be best to get over it. Even if you and your boyfriend do split up then it's probably best not to immediately turn to guys who show you love to make yourself feel better. Independence and self-confidence without guys is better. Trust me.
But I don't think you're doing anything wrong to your boyfriend, (unless you flirt back? ) since you don't like the guys and you would never cheat. I just think it's not a great way of going about things for your sake and for the sake of that guy who is in love with you.
Reply 6
I agree with vampyr completely.
I'm in a serious-longterm relationship like yourself but I still like attention from other males. I would never do anything with them, I could never cheat on my boyfriend and I do tell him when I find out someone fancies me and his fine with it, he knows his the only person for me and he trusts me!
I think what your feeling is fine. Just make sure you don't develop feelings for these other guys and make it clear that you have your boyfriend
I think what your feeling is fine. Just make sure you don't develop feelings for these other guys and make it clear that you have your boyfriend
Reply 8
I think you do need to start learning how to feel good about yourself using just your own sense of self,rather that relying on other's opioions of you.
Reply 9
everyone likes a little bit of attention from the opposit sex, but if love was mentioned then (like vampyr said) i think your taking it too far. using these "friends" just to ease your insecurities seems really harsh.
Reply 10
ok, thanks for your replies guys.
just to clear a few things up.
1) the guy who ' loved ' me claims to no longer do so and has a new gf. we are still really good friends.
2) as for the other guys, we enjoy talking as friends, and they know nothing can happen. i don't flirt back.
3) my bf knows that i have male friends and i do tell him if they flirt with me.
agreed, using people to help me feel better about myself is not great, but if we both enjoy and get something out of the friendship, its not 'using'.
however i am working on my personal issues and hopefully i can just have male friendships without these complications.
just to clear a few things up.
1) the guy who ' loved ' me claims to no longer do so and has a new gf. we are still really good friends.
2) as for the other guys, we enjoy talking as friends, and they know nothing can happen. i don't flirt back.
3) my bf knows that i have male friends and i do tell him if they flirt with me.
agreed, using people to help me feel better about myself is not great, but if we both enjoy and get something out of the friendship, its not 'using'.
however i am working on my personal issues and hopefully i can just have male friendships without these complications.
Reply 11
Anonymous
3) my bf knows that i have male friends and i do tell him if they flirt with me.
3) my bf knows that i have male friends and i do tell him if they flirt with me.
edit: and he just finds it funny cos he trusts me not to do anything.
Reply 12
my ex gf was exceptionally jealous to the point where i wasn't allowed to talk to any girl. even if it was just an acquaintance she'd pass some comment about me fancying them although she'd pass it off as a joke, but i know how jealous she was for absolutely not reason since i devoted all my attention to her.
Reply 13
any more opinions before i let this thread go under?
Reply 14
only is pretty much the usual sort of thing and is to be expected!
Reply 15
Anthonyjm71
only is pretty much the usual sort of thing and is to be expected!
what is usual and to be expected?
Reply 17
of course not, but that doesnt mean i'd be happy to die alone and childless. temporary singledom is fine, but i had always been convinced that he was my one chance. losing that gradually, though...
Reply 19
Tufts
Despite what the poems and songs say, you have many chances at hapiness Your fist love is not your only love.
Your fist love is not your only love.i hope so but that is exactly what it has taken all this time to begin to realise i know its not rational to believe that only one guy will ever like you but these kind of insecurities are by their very nature irrational. and thats why i've needed the attention of other guys to help me shake the irrational belief.
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