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my african parents only care about success watch

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    Firstly, I get it, I understand that its hard in this country being an ethnic minority etc.
    I get the struggle, I've seen it, I've experienced some. I understand that working hard is important. And I myself have goals etc.

    But here's the issue. Throughout my life my parents have pushed me but too hard and its got to the point where I become extremely depressed when I fail anything. Heres some of what my parents consider "good" pushing that I should be thankful for.

    -saying anything below 80% is essentially failure

    -never being satisfied or praising me for my reports when I was in school- the number of times that they would complain about a ssingle B, or too many As and not enough A*'s was ridiculous

    -my key stage 2 sats were a massive deal. I got all level 5s but I remember feeling so scared about the results- (and looking back I'm thinking- exams that I took when I was 11 weren't going to define my entire life so why was I freaking out?)

    -only caring about academic success. not anything else, not friends, socialising that's it .

    - constantly reminding mme that as a black person in this country im going to have to work so much more harder than everyone else, and therefore I should forget friends or socialising, but just study
    (keep in mind that I was constantly getting well above average in exams usually only A*s, and I kept up with volunteering etc- I was well rounded)

    -if I failed anything, and keep in mind their definition of failure is below a b, my life is essentially not worth anything

    -sharing every single one of my results online

    -saying that if I don't do well I wont get a job, and that essentially my life is over, because im black and that's it for me

    -saying I cannot trust anyone outside my house, they're essentially all against

    -freaking out when I don't do well- like not talking to me for weeks, or saying that I spend my time making friends whne I was never allowed to hang out with friends

    -making my life getting into medical school, to the point where when I failed to get in I didn't have a clue what I would do with my life.

    there's so much more but its hard to write down, the looks the microexpressions, the tone of voice about my life

    anyway, I told them that they place too much pressure on me to succeed, and its got to the point where I am 20 years old and have high blood pressure and I am not overweight etc(my gp told me). And the thought of failure terrifies me because I feel like it will be magnified so much more because I am black, and that if I don't get into medical school that's it for me.

    I told them they place too much pressure on me and this is what they said
    -that I should see other parents
    -that they are only showing they're caring
    -that I think badly of them and they will no longer interfere with my life
    -and that i'm on my own and that I should carry on talking to my friends because once I fail they will not help me
    -that they've given up on me "I'm washing my hands of you"
    -that i'm blaming them for everything I have failed in
    -that I''m an adult now and it's my life (even though my entire life has been me essentially obeying them, now, im an adult and on my own)
    -that im too interested in making friends with people
    -that they thought I would be a successful child
    -that they care about my wellbeing more than success (which is a lie.)

    my mum said that I should go talk to the therapists I talk to and see if they give me a job. I feel like leaving home properly and not coming back
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    oh yeah they also don't believe in mental health. There's no middle ground with them, it's a shame.
    like either its we're going to push you so hard, that your life is success or we're never going to talk to you again, it's your own life do your own thing-- it's not our problem.
    why can't there be a, we want you to do well, but it's okay if at first you don't succeed
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    oh and they also believe that at a certain age you shouldn't talk to your parents about your problems.
    like they don't want to hear my problems, ever. quote "once you get your degree you're on your own"
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    like ive decided I can't do this anymore
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    WOW!!!
    (And I thought my parents were tough :gasp:)
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    They're doing what THEY think is best.

    Unfortunately it's a skewed perspective due to the hardship that they've faced.

    Don't be mad at them. It's not their fault. They think they're doing the right thing.

    Either just hold out. Or tell them that you love them and all, but you need to take control.
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    (Original post by dancing sloth)
    WOW!!!
    (And I thought my parents were tough :gasp:)
    I use to think that what I experience was normal until I actually spoke to people, unless thyere all lying
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    (Original post by donutellme)
    They're doing what THEY think is best.

    Unfortunately it's a skewed perspective due to the hardship that they've faced.

    Don't be mad at them. It's not their fault. They think they're doing the right thing.

    Either just hold out. Or tell them that you love them and all, but you need to take control.
    If I tell them I want to take control they will disown me.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    If I tell them I want to take control they will disown me.
    If this carries on your gonna have many problems like you mentioned you going into medicine ? Do you yourself want to go into medicine?
    • #2
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Firstly, I get it, I understand that its hard in this country being an ethnic minority etc.
    I get the struggle, I've seen it, I've experienced some. I understand that working hard is important. And I myself have goals etc.

    But here's the issue. Throughout my life my parents have pushed me but too hard and its got to the point where I become extremely depressed when I fail anything. Heres some of what my parents consider "good" pushing that I should be thankful for.

    -saying anything below 80% is essentially failure

    -never being satisfied or praising me for my reports when I was in school- the number of times that they would complain about a ssingle B, or too many As and not enough A*'s was ridiculous

    -my key stage 2 sats were a massive deal. I got all level 5s but I remember feeling so scared about the results- (and looking back I'm thinking- exams that I took when I was 11 weren't going to define my entire life so why was I freaking out?)

    -only caring about academic success. not anything else, not friends, socialising that's it .

    - constantly reminding mme that as a black person in this country im going to have to work so much more harder than everyone else, and therefore I should forget friends or socialising, but just study
    (keep in mind that I was constantly getting well above average in exams usually only A*s, and I kept up with volunteering etc- I was well rounded)

    -if I failed anything, and keep in mind their definition of failure is below a b, my life is essentially not worth anything

    -sharing every single one of my results online

    -saying that if I don't do well I wont get a job, and that essentially my life is over, because im black and that's it for me

    -saying I cannot trust anyone outside my house, they're essentially all against

    -freaking out when I don't do well- like not talking to me for weeks, or saying that I spend my time making friends whne I was never allowed to hang out with friends

    -making my life getting into medical school, to the point where when I failed to get in I didn't have a clue what I would do with my life.

    there's so much more but its hard to write down, the looks the microexpressions, the tone of voice about my life

    anyway, I told them that they place too much pressure on me to succeed, and its got to the point where I am 20 years old and have high blood pressure and I am not overweight etc(my gp told me). And the thought of failure terrifies me because I feel like it will be magnified so much more because I am black, and that if I don't get into medical school that's it for me.

    I told them they place too much pressure on me and this is what they said
    -that I should see other parents
    -that they are only showing they're caring
    -that I think badly of them and they will no longer interfere with my life
    -and that i'm on my own and that I should carry on talking to my friends because once I fail they will not help me
    -that they've given up on me "I'm washing my hands of you"
    -that i'm blaming them for everything I have failed in
    -that I''m an adult now and it's my life (even though my entire life has been me essentially obeying them, now, im an adult and on my own)
    -that im too interested in making friends with people
    -that they thought I would be a successful child
    -that they care about my wellbeing more than success (which is a lie.)

    my mum said that I should go talk to the therapists I talk to and see if they give me a job. I feel like leaving home properly and not coming back
    I can't tell you how much I can relate to this.

    I'm sorry that you're experiencing this at home, no one deserves to feel unwanted in their own home, ever.

    I'll be going to university this, and I have no intention of staying in my home apart from when I'm on holiday and once I finish, perhaps stay there until I get my own job and am able to move the hell out; I don't think I'd be able to handle living another couple of years with them.
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    Oh my! And I thought my parents were tough aha,
    My parents were discouraging me from medicine as it's such a tough profession, but I'm still going for it /)

    They don't believe in mental health - that's a huge issue
    Your health comes first
    They shouldn't be doing this to you
    I mean encouraging one to do well is an attribute a lot of parents have but calling them a failure etc is just too much
    I'd probably get depressed if my parents were like that 😕
    But do what you think is right, it's your life at the end of the day


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    The viewpoints expressed in the OP are quite common among ethnic minority parents, particularly south and east Asian - especially the views on mental health related problems not being "real".

    Most of these type of parents simply want to mould a trophy son or daughter that they can then boast about at community and family gatherings.

    It's got very little to do with allowing a person to pursue something they enjoy and is more about satisfying the narcissistic desires of the parent.
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    It's nice to have parents that push you to do well, I wish my parents pushed me harder when I was younger. But if it's too excessive it can be cruel.

    If you feel they are out of line then let them disown you after you have your degree. Be successful but don't be their tool to boast about you to their community.
 
 
 
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