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Made no 'friends' so far during fresher's... watch

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    Hi guys,

    So I've just started university and I've noticed that I've not really made any real 'friends' so far. We only started on Sunday and I know some of you will say 'that's such a short amount of time' but I'm always walking around campus on my own whilst I see lots of people talking in their friendship groups. It's not as if I don't make the effort as well. I try to start conversations with people but most of the time I find that I'm the one that has to carry the conversation and I run out of things to say. I've never had that much confidence about my looks (which is weird for a boy to say) so I don't know if it's to do with that. It may also be my monotonous voice which puts people off as they may assume that I'm not fun to be around.

    I went out clubbing for the first two nights but found that clubbing wasn't really for me (I hadn't been clubbing before so I just sat down messaging my secondary school friends). Last night I invited some guys around to play FIFA which was cool but they seem more interested in clubbing rather than organising another FIFA night. My flat-mates are nice, but I find that I have nothing in common with them, and our conversations normally start and end at "what are your plans for tonight?"

    I'm from the south of England and go to a uni in the Midlands, and on Monday night when I went out I was going to a different event to my flatmates (as they had a freshers wristband and so went to the uni's official event). One of my flatmates was kind enough to tell me that they were going out and invited me along, but I told her that I was going to another event. As soon as she left I started crying, mainly because of homesickness but also because I didn't want to be alone. In the end I met up with some other people that were going, we exchanged a few lines of convo but then once we got to the club I didn't see them again so I just sat down. I'm not really a dancing kind of guy, no matter how drunk I am, so clubbing isn't for me. Since then I've noticed that my flatmates tend to not include me in their plans and try to avoid talking to me because they don't know what to say. Also, I felt ill after the first two days so I tend to stay in my room (which obviously doesn't help).

    As for people on my course, I've spoken to a few of them but again I find that I'm the one carrying the convo, and when I run out of things to say it's just filled with awkward silence.

    In terms of societies, I'm looking to do this FA coaching course so I'm hoping to meet people there, but I suppose the main point about this post is to get you guys to tell me where I'm going wrong so I can try and improve it when I meet the other guys doing it.

    I'm sorry for the essay, and I know some of you are going to tell me to man up which is fair enough, but this isn't what I was expecting uni to be like. I don't have the confidence to get up and dance at nightclubs, no matter how drunk I am. I know some of you will say that it's too soon to be worrying about it, but I just received a message from my mum asking me a load of questions about uni, one of them being 'have you made some friends'? This made me upset because I had to think about the answer and thought that I have about five 'acquaintances' but no 'friends'. It's just depressing when I walk around campus and see everyone in a group, I feel like it's too late because everyone's now got their group.
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    Just give it some time
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi guys,

    So I've just started university and I've noticed that I've not really made any real 'friends' so far. We only started on Sunday and I know some of you will say 'that's such a short amount of time' but I'm always walking around campus on my own whilst I see lots of people talking in their friendship groups. It's not as if I don't make the effort as well. I try to start conversations with people but most of the time I find that I'm the one that has to carry the conversation and I run out of things to say. I've never had that much confidence about my looks (which is weird for a boy to say) so I don't know if it's to do with that. It may also be my monotonous voice which puts people off as they may assume that I'm not fun to be around.

    I went out clubbing for the first two nights but found that clubbing wasn't really for me (I hadn't been clubbing before so I just sat down messaging my secondary school friends). Last night I invited some guys around to play FIFA which was cool but they seem more interested in clubbing rather than organising another FIFA night. My flat-mates are nice, but I find that I have nothing in common with them, and our conversations normally start and end at "what are your plans for tonight?"

    I'm from the south of England and go to a uni in the Midlands, and on Monday night when I went out I was going to a different event to my flatmates (as they had a freshers wristband and so went to the uni's official event). One of my flatmates was kind enough to tell me that they were going out and invited me along, but I told her that I was going to another event. As soon as she left I started crying, mainly because of homesickness but also because I didn't want to be alone. In the end I met up with some other people that were going, we exchanged a few lines of convo but then once we got to the club I didn't see them again so I just sat down. I'm not really a dancing kind of guy, no matter how drunk I am, so clubbing isn't for me. Since then I've noticed that my flatmates tend to not include me in their plans and try to avoid talking to me because they don't know what to say. Also, I felt ill after the first two days so I tend to stay in my room (which obviously doesn't help).

    As for people on my course, I've spoken to a few of them but again I find that I'm the one carrying the convo, and when I run out of things to say it's just filled with awkward silence.

    In terms of societies, I'm looking to do this FA coaching course so I'm hoping to meet people there, but I suppose the main point about this post is to get you guys to tell me where I'm going wrong so I can try and improve it when I meet the other guys doing it.

    I'm sorry for the essay, and I know some of you are going to tell me to man up which is fair enough, but this isn't what I was expecting uni to be like. I don't have the confidence to get up and dance at nightclubs, no matter how drunk I am. I know some of you will say that it's too soon to be worrying about it, but I just received a message from my mum asking me a load of questions about uni, one of them being 'have you made some friends'? This made me upset because I had to think about the answer and thought that I have about five 'acquaintances' but no 'friends'. It's just depressing when I walk around campus and see everyone in a group, I feel like it's too late because everyone's now got their group.
    Well firstly, the more you overthink it and analyse it all, the worse it will feel. Classic fresher case and it's certainly not too late, you're not even settled in for a week yet

    Quite a lot of points to address here! Give yourself a pat on the back for actually wanting to get into conversations and striking them up... yet feeling like "you're running out of things to say," may mean you need to ask people more open questions and really try and engage with people. It's a lot easier with flatmates, try and get to know them well and do as what they're up to later. You say you were already invited along one night by one of your flatmates, should've just yes at that point! Sure, clubbing can be a lame but I'm certainly not much of a dancer. My satisfaction in going is making sure everyone else has a good time. Who you go with/their vibe can really make/break a night. If you get yourself gradually involved you'll feel better, but there's no harm in propping up the bar whilst you get used to the scene. As for the last few days, explain you've not been feeling too well last couple of days which is why you haven't made it out but you're definitely up for stuff way more now.

    It's also clear you have an interest in football and it's cool you've managed to get some folks to play FIFA with you. Could always ask them if they want to go the bar at the weekend and watch the game too? A lot more erelaxed atmosphere, with a common interest right there on a plate. Should also be easy ways to drum up conversations.

    If after all that, you find out that you don't get on with the flatmates you still have loads more opportunities. You may have met a few classmates but term is yet to get underway, you'll find yourself get into the swing of things. Like you are now, just get chatting to people, common interest there is the course, there'll always be something to talk about - the key is engaging in conversation rather than asking/telling someone something and that being the end of it. You've probably not even had your freshers fair yet - jump into as many taster sessions as possible and go to a few that really interest you!

    At the end of it all though, you're doing fine. Just stressing out over usual fresher things - as I said at the beginning, don't worry so much! Take the plunge and say yes to more stuff and you'll be just fine :top:
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    Have a look at the events organised by your SU, and consider going to some of the more 'chilled out' events if clubbing isn't for you. A pub quiz night, for example, may help you find people who are more into things like FIFA nights. (Also have you looked to see if there's a games society, if you're into that?)

    As the others have said, you've only just arrived so give it some time.
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    Hi,

    don't freak out, you're actually doing really well!! You're engaging with people and you're putting an effort in, that will eventually pay off!!
    And don't worry, if you're not confident with your looks that's never a problem at uni. I know that people at high school can be nasty but everyone will find friends at uni, it's just the way it is. I didn't believe it myself until I saw it happening everywhere.

    Keep doing what you're doing, accept the feeling that you're missing home and then don't think about it anymore, don't feel sorry for yourself but try again and again, ask people more about themselves to figure out what they're interested in so that you don't have to lead all the conversations anymore and most of all keep the following in mind:

    Every single person at uni is a bit nervous at first and everyone is scared of not finding friends, everyone misses home and their friends that they know so well and they're all doubting if they made the right decision to come here in the first place. Some are just better at masking it than others!

    So you're not alone, don't give up, go to different events and societies and you'll have made friends in no time.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Thanks for the advice and support guys. I've found that my flatmates tend to not include me in their plans now e.g. last night they went over to another flat for pizza and a film and didn't invite me. Maybe it's because I'm ill, but when I told one of the guys why I was staying in my room he seemed surprised as if he didn't know. I asked him what he's doing tonight, he said going to a club and that was pretty much it. However, I have contacted a group on FB full of people who prefer the pub setting to that of a club, so I'll probably just go out with them. Once again, thanks guys.
 
 
 
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