I met my bf online in May and looking back I think I was looking for friendship before a relationship. We both are each others first partner. I have helped him through a very tough time, he lost his mum the month before I met him. I have helped him through severe depression due to the loss and also he has gone through severe depression too due to other issues. I know and he tells me I saved him from suicide and that I am the only thing worth living for. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, I feel so sad that I do not love him in that way and feel like I want to be friends with him.
It is a very difficult situation with me, we are long distance and I just dont want to see him so I know it isnt right. I enjoy speaking to him but I want to be just friends.
I know it will crush him and send him into a dark depression and I am scared he might do something dark which really scares me. I feel so sad and guilty but I feel like I need to break up with him. I used to think i wanted someone to want me and find someone who really loves me, so I am confused. What should I do as I care for him and want him to be happy and succeed in life.
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How do I end it with my boyfriend who is very very very fragile watch
- Thread Starter
- 18-09-2015 11:00
- 18-09-2015 11:46
I think this whole situation would be so overwhelming and difficult for anyone.
The most important thing you have to keep in mind is that you are not responsible for him/his happiness/his willing to live in any way. If you think he might want to commit suicide again if you break up with him then please contact someone professional who has experience dealing with this!!!
Please please please understand that you do are not responsible for making him happy, this is way too much pressure for you and you need to get out of this situation because it is eating away at you.
A break up is always painful, but if you do not want to be with him then you have to break up with him, you would never be able to give him the kind of love he needs and it would be unfair to both of you it you stayed with him.
You can be very proud of yourself that you helped him deal with the loss of his mum, it takes a lot of strength to support someone in such a terrible situation.
You have done really well but cannot keep doing this forever.
Usually spending a lot of time with someone that is severely depressed, especially if you are very close to them, will make you feel depressed as well and it will suck all life and happiness out of you.
Of course he would be devastated if you left him, but if you explain that you want to be there for him and that you care so much about but just don't have that romantic attraction then he will hopefully understand in a few months. He might reject you at first because you rejected him as a boyfriend and distance might be good for a while to let feelings calm down, but don't let that stop you from doing what is right for both of you, stay strong!!
So I would suggest contacting someone professional and ask how they would go on about the break up.
When you do finally break up with your boyfriend and he threatens to kill himself, you need to get help but don't stay with him just because of the threat because you need to get out of this!
I wish you all the strength in this world and I'm proud of how much you have done for someone else, but you have to think about yourself now, you are not being egoistic or selfish, but much rather you are very mature and intelligent for realising that you have to get out of this.
- 18-09-2015 11:49
Hey there, don't feel bad, I had a similar situation with a boyfriend of mine. We weren't long distance mind you but he had all sorts of depression and anxiety and he kept saying that I was the only thing that made it better and the only reason he did anything.
Basically these kinds of guys just put so much pressure on you, and you feel responsible for their success somehow. However what I needed to realise was that your life is more about you and less than saving someone else, and it was up to them to sort their own life out. In my case my guy just wouldn't do anything, he had the potential to get intro uni and work hard but he just didn't, I'd spend ages nagging him to apply to courses and submit things and I would stress out when he didn't do anything. And in the end I realised, it's not my problem and not my fault that he won't do these things for himself. Success needs to come from him.
On your point about him being depressed and alone, It is awful that these things happen to these guys, but your role as a girlfriend isn't to be their crutches, it sounds like this guy is actually quite selfish and not communicating with you whether you want to be with him or not, he just assumes that you'll be there for him? When in reality has he done anything to be there for you?
you sound very determined and I guess you've just got to do it, text in this instance might be better as if you meet with him you can't exactly tell him to go away :/ just explain to him nicely how you don't feel the same blah blah, you feel like he's pressuring you and you're not really a couple just a therapist. He sounds pretty wrapped up though and he probably won't understand at first but I guess that's the best that you can do, obviously he sounds very dependent so it might be a bit difficult for him to be friends at first cause he might always just want more.. However just see how it goes then you can walk away and move on with your life good luck!
- 18-09-2015 11:55
Been through a similar situation but with an ex gf.
I helped her through a lot of things and helped her stop self harming, it would always be things like you make me so happy don't let me go that made me feel horrible.
However it's your life too and you have to do what's best for both of you, it's not fair on either of you two staying together.
Meet up be nice, just let him down gently. Tell him you can still be friends etc and you can still talk
- 18-09-2015 12:32
If it's since May and long distance (how many times you met?), then maybe you are giving up too soon. Have you noticed any positive change in him at all?