Expecting the worse so much I make it happen.

I never thought that I would post on here asking for help. Usually I'm one of the people giving the advice. But, I'm so desperate I'm willing to do anything. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

Ever since I was little, whenever I get close to someone, I always assume that they are going to hurt me. A psychologist would more than likely say that it stems from my inability to let go of the feeling of hurt that I had when my Mom left the family. But, any time a conflict arises with someone I care about, the situation always plays out like this:

1) I get scared.
2) In order to protect myself, I get angry.
3) Because I am angry, I pick a fight.
4) I cool down and realize what I am doing.
5) I apologize profusely, realizing that what I am doing is wrong, and try to explain myself.

I go through this cycle over and over again all the time. My problem now is the person I am in love with. When we first started dating, I never got mad about anything. I was cool as ice because I really didn't care all that much, and it didn't matter what the other person did because, really, if it ended that day, I wouldn't be that bad off. The problem is now I have fallen in love with this person. I get so scared that something is going to happen, or that they aren't really on my side, or that their feelings are going to fade, etc. I pick fights. ABOUT EVERYTHING. The stupidest things. Things that 99% of people would just brush off. The problem is I don't even realize I'm doing it until I'm already IN the fight. By that time it's too late. The only thing I can do is either be an ass about it or try to apologize. And, either way, it's the same cycle.

Here is my problem: I feel like I'm pushing too hard. Everyone has a breaking point, and tonight was another one of these arguments. Only this time the person was so frustrated they didn't really talk. I asked them what they were thinking, they said nothing. I asked them what they wanted to do, they said go to bed (it was very late.) I asked them if they wanted me to stay with them (as was the plan all along), and they said nothing. I was shell shocked. I said, "Ok, I love you." And, left. I felt like they gave up on me, just like I was afraid of. Now, I don't even know what to say the next time we talk. It's spring break and this person was supposed to spend break at my flat with me since neither of us could afford a vacation, and one of the days I was supposed to make a 3 hour drive with them to see their family. We are very close, and I am deathly afraid of losing this person.

What do I do to avoid this self destructing cycle?

Reply 1

insparato

15

You need to make him aware of what you've just told us.

Im sure if you speak to him, he will understand. You have to remember everyone has a breaking point and if its without an explanation it becomes really bad. You dont see what the point of the relationship is anymore. So go talk to him.

Reply 2

tanusha-tomsk

18

^ We don't know the gender, could be her, but good advice.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

OP

insparato

You need to make him aware of what you've just told us.

Im sure if you speak to him, he will understand. You have to remember everyone has a breaking point and if its without an explanation it becomes really bad. You dont see what the point of the relationship is anymore. So go talk to him.

I want to, but I'm afriad it'll be just another explanation; one more excuse. I know it has to get old listening to me come up with some reason for every time I pick a fight about something that really doesn't matter. I'm at a point right now where I'm afraid to even make a move because I'm afraid it will be the wrong one. I guess any move is better than none? I just want to make sure it's the right one. That's why I came here, I guess.

Reply 4

tanusha-tomsk

18

Just don't tell him/her about your problem after/during a fight. Just sit them down when you're calm and explain, so that the next time they will be more understanding. Good luck :smile:

Expecting the worse so much I make it happen.

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