The Student Room Group

My Break Up Journal

Okay, a little introductory post.
I've never been the type of person to chronicle my life online, but I think it's time to try something new, seeing how hard this break up hit me, and how inexperienced I am with relationships in general.
I'm not expecting many responses or anything, although that would be nice, but this is mostly for me to see how I change over the course of the next few weeks/months (of course, any feedback is greatly appreciated :smile: )

Now, a bit about me.
I'm an 18 year old guy, from a muslim family, but not of the religion itself, about to go to uni in roughly a week, 80 miles from home and 100 miles away from her, which is a bonus. I like to think that I'm the classic hopeless romantic and I think that it definitely shows when I look through our old conversations, so I'd like to see how that view changes over time too.
This actual break up happened this morning, but it's been in the making since last week, so I'm just trying to stay positive right now.

I'll be just going through musings about us and what I feel/think.
(I'm a weird guy, I know :tongue: )
N.B: I know it's a bit weird to be anon for something like this, but I have friends and family on here, and I don't want to be identified at all.

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I hope you find this therapeutic, OP and I'm sorry about your break-up. :sadnod:
fam you need to get loose and bang bare white girls they are easy. mashallah brother :smile:
Reply 3
So, me and her had been together on/off since last December, with the most recent iteration almost at 6 months(would have been on the 30th).

She and I were friends in the beginning, over something as small as video games. I needed other people to play Destiny with on the PS4, and she was the only one who had it on PS4 in my year.

Eventually, we built up a pretty strong friendship and rapport, and during this time she developed a crush on me.
I, however, was totally oblivious because I was just starting to recover from my own mental health problems and self-esteem issues, so the thought of it didn't even cross my mind.

Eventually, a mutual friend of ours heard her telling her girlfriends and eventually manipulated the both of us into talking about it (which was kinda cool of him, but he turned out to be a bit of a douche.. Seems like I lost too much because of this, but c'est la vie!)
Awh bless you, you're so cute. I'm sorry about your break up and hope this helps you feel better soon(:
Reply 5
Original post by Freudian Slip
I hope you find this therapeutic, OP and I'm sorry about your break-up. :sadnod:


Hi, thanks for your support :h: and kind words.
I really hope I do too, it's hit me really hard, and I'm not usually an emotional person.

Original post by TunaTunnel
fam you need to get loose and bang bare white girls they are easy. mashallah brother :smile:


Lol, thanks for the advice, I do plan to eventually meet new people, but not with the slightly stereotypical view :wink:
Reply 6
Eventually, we got through a lot of drama, and ended up together firmly rather than this stupid on/off thing we had going.

We were both happy at this point in roughly late March/ early April, and things progressed nicely, both of us having learned from our mistakes from before.

When exams came around, we started talking a bit more about the future and how we would cope with it. Now,at this point, we were deeply in love, spent more and more time with each other(mostly in school, because of the lack of parental approval), and we both decided on trying an LDR and seeing how it worked out.

After exams, we didn’t get to see each other as much because she went on holiday for a month and I had work experience so it was a little more strained, but we took it in our stride,talking every day.
We went out together a couple of times, but I wanted a lot more, and I made it clear. She sort of agreed, but didn’t say much.
Reply 7
Original post by Limerence
Awh bless you, you're so cute. I'm sorry about your break up and hope this helps you feel better soon(:


Thank you, I do too, that's the whole purpose :tongue:
Reply 8
Come results day, and I did pretty damn well, coming second in my year, and I got into my firm (I had previously confided in her about failing and not doing as well the A*AA I needed; she was supportive and helpful, which I appreciated), while she had an unconditional and was also happy with her results.
We went out with friends as a group for a meal (this is a whatsapp group of about 10 of us, and we've made a pact to try and keep it active even through uni, which is kinda cool) and she was kinda distant, a little stand offish but mostly the same.

She suffers from social anxiety and it really stressed her out if I tried to kiss her in public or something, which grated on my spontaneously romantic nature, but I love(d) her and therefore was trying to help her by saying we would keep it small and gradually advance until she was comfortable with acceptable levels of pda.

After that, she got kinda distant, although she still initiated conversations and called me in the evenings.
I would tell her how I missed her, and we'd still tell each other we loved each other ( me more than her, simply because she wasn't an expressive person) but I could feel the strain and in retrospect, I should have done something about it.

Eventually, a few days later, I did, coaxing her out of her shell enough to tell me exactly what was bothering her, and she told me that she had to live at home and commute to her uni come the second year, as it's literally half an hour from where we live, and she was worried about the future.
She was a little panicky about it, telling me that she was upset, and I told her that we had an entire year to come up with a solution, that she shouldn't worry about it too much, because I would be there for her the entire time.

After that, things were noticeably more strained between the two of us, as she wanted reassurance in the form of an idea that I didn't have. In honesty, I didn't even see it, all I could see were two options:
1. She transferred to a uni further away (this was just stupidly wishful thinking, I would never have asked it of her, and never told her this)
2. We break up.
Seeing as both of these are just soo desirable and easy to implement, I kept my mouth shut and stayed optimistic to placate her.
Reply 9
(For anyone reading this, I'm sorry about how many posts this has to explain how we got this far, but I figured relatively short posts would be better than a really long one)

Last Tuesday, I was talking to a friend who I'd met on here going to the same uni, and she called me in the evening. When I spoke to her, and she raised the issue of her parents visiting her and how it would be so easy for them to turn up on a Sunday morning with me there, which would have been very bad. The resulting silence was awkward as hell, (although in my defense, I was on the PS4), and I realised that she needed aoption, no matter if it hurt me or not.
I told her that if she needed to take some time she could and I wouldn't hold it against her, that all I wanted was the best for her. She was audibly happier after that, and we had a lively yet macabre discussion about our options.
I told her we'd finish the conversation the next day and she went to bed, while I continued playing video games, kinda numb.

When we spoke the next day on Skype, she and I agreed that we needed a break to see how often they visited, for three weeks or so (which would be October 10th).
However, we still stayed in contact, skyping each other for hours each day, but with the added stipulation of behaving like friends instead of partners (which we failed at... badly :laugh: )
She moved in on Saturday, and I sent her a heartfelt message about having her be happy and to have fun, and that I hoped she could find the faith for us to stay together, and we chatted that evening after she'd settled in a little. Over the next few days, she was naturally busy with her freshers week, telling me of how she'd made friends, rebuffed other guys (which cheered me up a bit, seeing how I was nervous about her cheating due to my insecurities and trust issues) and was generally having a good time.By Wednesday, she was incredibly distant, and I was chasing her to talk, as we'd previously arranged, which wasn't a huge issue for me, but it was a little niggle.I'd decided that the past few days had been hell, and that I loved her too much to simply let her end things over what might happen ( I mean, the future is so unpredictable- a year ago, I was only worried about getting away from here for a fresh start and a better shot at being happy, and here I am) and I told her that I wanted to end the stupid break and it was making me uneasy. I told her all this yesterday morning, and she was a little more buoyant after I spilled my guts, which I thought boded well for us.
Well, last night at 3am, she texted me that she needed to talk to me urgently when I got the message and that she wanted to talk in the morning because she was so off her face.
I was awake at the time, purely because I've been staying up late for weeks, and I told her to do it now, and then she said that I'd hate her. It clicked in my head, and I simply said 'You cheated'. She said 'I'm sorry' and I told her to call me.
She did so, and explained how she'd been doing shots and after a number of them, some guy had kissed her and she hadn't done anything but kiss back.
I also found that she had added the guy on FB, either almost as she sent me the message first, or an hour before.
She told me that she then left and went back to her room and that was where she was now.
When I spoke to her, I had to strain to understand what she was saying, she was slurring her words so much, so I told her that she had to answer her phone the minute I called this morning, or we were done forever.
I hadn't slept at all, maybe an hour, because I was hurting so much inside, my heart deciding it wanted to create a heavy bassline.
When I called her, she picked up, nursing freshers' flu. I asked her what she wanted to do now, because I was willing to forgive that if she'd answered my questions and changed her behaviour (a friend of ours, an absolute saint, had been through the same thing earlier in the school year when her boyfriend kissed another girl, something I wanted to emulate).
To my absolute heartbreak, she answered that she wanted to break up, through tears.
I asked her why, when, anything and everything.
She said that after she had kissed the guy, she realised that she wanted me to be there with her, and because I couldn't, she wanted to end it, the kiss acting as a cry for help against her loneliness.

I'm not proud of it, but I asked her what she wanted to do to try and make it work, because I loved her too much to simply let go because she felt alone when she hadn't communicated with me.
By this point she was sobbing about how she had felt so depressed this summer, thinking about whether the fall from her room would be enough to kill her and that I'd made her feel bad because she felt I'd been ignoring because I hadn't been able to make plans to see her in the last month but had accepted to go to the meal with our friends, . She said she wanted someone to be there with her, in person. (Now this is just unfair, I hadn't known because she hadn't said a single word, whereas if I'd known I would have dropped everything to be with her as she wanted :frown: )

Now, I know a little bit about depression, having been through it on my own for three years or so. I tried to tell her that she didn't need me there physically, but any friend who could listen would be able to help her somewhat (she has one good friend who is also in an LDR and how she could go to her for hugs or whatever) and that I would always be available to talk and I would visit her often enough, that I felt just as alone as she did, only I cared enough about her that waiting to see her was worth it to be able to be with her, but she continued crying and saying that she couldn't do it, and I wasn't listening.

Eventually, I asked her to either tell me that she loved me or that she didn't, so I knew once and for all, because I was totally shattered at this point, almost in tears myself, but trying to be strong, and she said she loved me. That she'd always loved me and how she always would. But she couldn't.
Honestly, this morning was among the top 3 worst mornings of my life so far, because it hurt so damn much that I was about to lose my best friend and partner simultaneously, as was she, except it was her fault.
I feel so betrayed by the cheating that I hope it doesn't damage my psyche, although I'm trying to not let it happen, trying not to lose myself in this pain.
I also feel hurt that she didn't talk to me, that I wasn't enough for her that she felt like she had to break my trust in her.
She had this friend who had feelings for her, and he eventually cut her out of his life because she was a 'bad person' in his view.
I told her that she was just a human who made mistakes, but that she'd learned from them.
Right now, I'm not so sure that he's wrong, which I told her.
:cry2:
OP this is really sweet to read the kind of person you are and also really sad :frown: sorry you're going through this :console:
Reply 13
Aw hun im sorry :frown: but at least she was honest with you about the whole thing and you can hopefully move on.
Original post by picklescamp
OP this is really sweet to read the kind of person you are and also really sad :frown: sorry you're going through this :console:


Original post by ZuluK
Aw hun im sorry :frown: but at least she was honest with you about the whole thing and you can hopefully move on.


Thank you, both of you, it's very much appreciated :smile:
I guess the fact that she came clean was a positive, but it doesn't feel like it right now, because it still happened, you know?
Like, she was aware of it, but she did it anyway because she bottled her emotions up rather than talk to the one person she should have.
Wow, that's quite the long story. Kudos to anyone who gets through that, honestly.
Well, now that the what and why is out of the way, I think that now is about the future and what I'm worried about as of now.
First things first, I'm worried that I'll give in and try to talk to her. I told her that it was the end, I was breaking up with her, and that she'd f***ed up so bad that I'm not going to speak to her, and any friendship we may have will be on my terms, when I want to. Naturally, she will eventually move on, faster than I will, with her being surrounded by new people and activities at uni, but I'm alone here with no friends to see or talk to in person, so I'm not expecting us to be friends.

If she'd said to me that she wanted to be friends before yesterday, I would have told her to give me some space for a while, and that when I'd contact her soon and we'd be able to salvage that. But now, with the lack of trust, that is off the table, no matter how much I want to talk to her or want her back.

She was such a big part of my life that she'd changed me. Back in early March, we weren't talking, and I was moving on, having recently been to a uni offer holder day at the time, and realising that the world can be a much bigger place and that moment of heartache was tiny in the grand scheme of things. Then she contacted me a few days later and I let myself be dragged back in. I was learning to be happy on my own, however briefly, and now that's what I need, but I'm afraid I won't know how to do it anymore.

I don't know if I regret it, because now I understand myself (and women!) better, which is a plus. I'm a stronger person than I knew. I'm more patient than I thought I was, and I'm a hella lot more confident, so I think that meeting new girls when I'm ready won't be such a challenge; I haven't all my life because of a lack of opportunities outside of school, and my family, but I think I can do this.
But then again, all this heartbreak could have been avoided if I'd not given her second chances...

I keep thinking of that scene in South Park where Butters talks about being dumped and how sadness is a part of happiness and what makes happiness feel so good, and I want to be able to think like that. But right now, I can't, which sucks.
Just read through it all, and you sound like a really kind and genuine person. I completely understand what you're going through so if you ever need to talk, you can PM me(:
Original post by Limerence
Just read through it all, and you sound like a really kind and genuine person. I completely understand what you're going through so if you ever need to talk, you can PM me(:


Wow, thank you for reading through all that without there being a tl;dr.
Thank you for the offer :smile:
The second most pressing issue is our friendship group from school. We're all pretty close, this group has been a thing since May, but I don't want to sound petty and tell them that she cheated on me. Not unless I can do it with some grace and dignity, rather than resort to a slinging match.
Partly because I'm afraid I'd get the backlash, but also because there's a running joke about her not being able to say the three little words, whereas I have (It shouldn't bug me that much, I know but right now I'm vulnerable, okay?)
I did almost spill the beans not 20 minutes ago, but managed to just convince them I was trolling. I don't think now is the time, although if the topic of our relationship comes up, I won't lie.
Beyond this one group of friends, there are very few to talk to about this.
As part of a way of coping a while back when I felt this alone, I started a journal for general thoughts and things, back in 2013. It's not nice to read, and I did write an entry about a week or so ago. She asked me to see it when I accidentally let slip that I had one, so I let her see that entry, and she was incredibly happy and affectionate about it. It's times like that I will most definitely miss.
Reply 19
This is really sad to read, I'm so sorry you've had to go through this.
If you want to talk anytime, feel free to message me. I'm six months on from my breakup with my ex fiancé, so I've gone through all kinds of emotions with it.
I hope things get better for you.

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