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I'm the 'other woman' in my ex's new relationship

I'm in a really difficult situation at the moment. I'm still in contact with the guy I'd been seeing on and off for over a year since sixth form, despite the fact that he has a new girlfriend. My ex and I are living in the same city, but are at different universities. Nonetheless, we still keep in very close contact via MSN and email, and, until recently, were still sleeping together despite the fact that he has a girlfriend who he claims to love and care about.
While my ex is obviously being unfaithful, he doesn't believe that he's doing anything wrong, and says that he cares a lot about his girlfriend and won't leave her, as he doesn't want to hurt her. Given the fact that he is still willing to sleep with me and email and IM me every single day, I find this hard to believe.
I'm sick of being the 'other woman' in my ex's relationship, but I don't want to lose him to this other girl.

Reply 1

xjes7obax

I found myself in a similar situation once upon a time. I did love the guy hence why I carried on, even though I felt stupid and angry half the time. After several months I finally broke it off cos it was doing me more harm than good.

I think that's the most sensible thing I've ever done.

Looking back on it I feel somewhat embarrassed by my clouded judgement but I also know that no matter what I would always have acted that way cos at the time it felt right. He and I hadn't started dating though we fooled around a bit [sex wasn't involved cos I'm not sexually active] when he started seeing another girl. We left it for a bit and then old habits resurfaced and I couldn't say no. I'd ask him about her and he'd just say, "I want you but I can't do it to her, she likes me too much and I care about her... when she wants to break it off then I will."

Tbh I think this kind of behaviour shows a lack of caring for either side. He shouldn't be with either of you cos he obviously isn't ready to commit to either of you, but until you decide to do something - cos he won't, and the other chick is unaware - it's just gonna carry on in the same way.

Obviously there is no way to generalise people and feelings, but imo from my own personal experience he needs to shape up, but won't. He's getting the best of both worlds so what motivation does he have to change? I don't like to give prescriptive advice of this kind to people I don't know personally but frankly, I think you should gather your strength and block him out. It took me a while and when I did, I couldn't face him cos I knew it'd just become the same. I didn't see or talk to him at all for about 4months, and it was 7months before I saw him without having someone else in the room - even that only happened once. I still don't feel totally comfortable around him.

But go for it! Find someone who isn't messing both you and his significant other around. In the long run this guy won't be worth it. And if he truly is, that'll work itself out in its own time - in the meantime, look after you.

Reply 2

ShinyApple

14

Yep, I agree with all of the above.

You don't 'have' him, he is using you. I'm sorry, I really am, but that is what is happening. He may have cared for you once, but now he is just being stupid. He has no right to do it, so stop letting him.

Good luck.

Reply 3

IzzTheGreat

10

I know it's hard but the two posters above are totally right. I'm in a situation where I'm the other girl and it sounds so similar to how your situation sounds. My friends have been telling me for months that he's no good, and that if he cared about me that much he'd be with me rather than her, and it's so true.
If you were with him, would you ever be able to trust him not to be seeing someone else on the side?

Reply 4

Yoda

12

Anonymous

I'm sick of being the 'other woman' in my ex's relationship, but I don't want to lose him to this other girl.

So you want this guy to dump his girlfriend and go out with you? But hold on a second, you know he's unfaithful because he's cheating with you. Sure, you might convince him to go out with you. As long as you don't mind him having another woman. And one last thing, haven't you already broken up with him before?

Reply 5

xjes7obax

I feel that some posts have disappeared... I am confused, guessing deletion of some kind. If you delete your post and people quoted you, do the quoted posts also become deleted? [I'm scared of asking these questions cos people say 'search the FAQ' but it takes me ages and I keep forgetting where it is!].

Anyways, on the above, I remember reading some somewhat tiresome 'Stay Strong, Women' type email but it did have a couple of things that resonated, one being:

He cheated with you. Why would he not cheat on you?

...Or words to that effect :smile:

Reply 6

jbcubed3

1

It's difficult as you may see yourself harboring some feelings for him from your past relationship. As others have said, he does seem to be using you, and I would really avoid getting attached as being the other woman in the relationship now you can see how he has commitment issues.

Who knows what would happen sometime down the line with his current attitude towards relationship. People do and can change, but would you really want to risk being hurt in the future? I would talk to him and perhaps suggest being friends, or otherwise but I would really avoid getting into anything more than that.

Reply 7

Louise88

You want this guy despite the fact that you know for a fact that he cheats? Then, you probably deserve him. I realise that you must really like him but look at his relationship with this other girl, who says that if you and him were to get together, he wouldn't treat you in the exact same way and hurt you, the way he is going to hurt this girl he is with? If he can cheat on her, he can cheat on you.

Can't you see that this guy is quite clearly using you? He is in a relationship with another girl and when he says jump, you say how high. You are letting him use you, he has got you exactly where he wants you because he can get sex whenever he snaps his fingers and you're a fool for going back time and time again.

The guy is no good for you, you can do a lot better than being the other woman and having a boyfriend that will only cheat on you. The best thing for you to do is to stop sleeping with him and find someone that actually wants to be with you, someone who wont just use you for sex. You can do a lot better than him, so go and look.

Reply 8

Joric

Anonymous

I'm in a really difficult situation at the moment. I'm still in contact with the guy I'd been seeing on and off for over a year since sixth form, despite the fact that he has a new girlfriend. My ex and I are living in the same city, but are at different universities. Nonetheless, we still keep in very close contact via MSN and email, and, until recently, were still sleeping together despite the fact that he has a girlfriend who he claims to love and care about.
While my ex is obviously being unfaithful, he doesn't believe that he's doing anything wrong, and says that he cares a lot about his girlfriend and won't leave her, as he doesn't want to hurt her. Given the fact that he is still willing to sleep with me and email and IM me every single day, I find this hard to believe.
I'm sick of being the 'other woman' in my ex's relationship, but I don't want to lose him to this other girl.

This man is unreliable. you will get pain at the end. Break-up.

Reply 9

username47781

20

He's just having his cake and eating it, when he's had enough he will simply drop you when he see's fit. End it now if I were you, just hope his new girlfriend see's sense and dumps him as well.

Reply 10

JacquesNoir

1

Anonymous

I'm in a really difficult situation at the moment. I'm still in contact with the guy I'd been seeing on and off for over a year since sixth form, despite the fact that he has a new girlfriend. My ex and I are living in the same city, but are at different universities. Nonetheless, we still keep in very close contact via MSN and email, and, until recently, were still sleeping together despite the fact that he has a girlfriend who he claims to love and care about.
While my ex is obviously being unfaithful, he doesn't believe that he's doing anything wrong, and says that he cares a lot about his girlfriend and won't leave her, as he doesn't want to hurt her. Given the fact that he is still willing to sleep with me and email and IM me every single day, I find this hard to believe.
I'm sick of being the 'other woman' in my ex's relationship, but I don't want to lose him to this other girl.

Why do you want to become his girlfriend? If he cheated on her, he will cheat on you. He won't leave her because he wants everything he can get. A girlfriend and some easy ass on the side.

Reply 11

Meep!

9

You don't 'have' him, you've already lost him, and it sounds to me like you're just being used. If you 'had' him, he would not be with this other girl to whom you've lost him. Forget him, and move on.

Reply 12

danni_bella

17

Yoda

So you want this guy to dump his girlfriend and go out with you? But hold on a second, you know he's unfaithful because he's cheating with you. Sure, you might convince him to go out with you. As long as you don't mind him having another woman. And one last thing, haven't you already broken up with him before?

Exactly listen to Yoda he knows all :cool:

Reply 13

username47781

20

I wonder if she's ditched him or not yet, a week on.

Reply 14

monkeymayhem

Leave him before you end up feeling like a fool and hurt. Delete his number, emails/address, even close down your email account you use to contact him just in case you get curious.