boyfriend jealous of my past experience with guys

My boyfriend told me yesterday that he is jealous of the fact that I have had past (sexual) experiences with other guys.

It annoys me a little because there's not really much I can do about it, and he'll just have to come to terms with the fact that those guys were in the past and I don't feel anything for them anymore - it's him I feel for.

What can I do to stop him being jealous?

Reply 1

Melissa85

don't talk or even mention past guys to him

Reply 2

Lek

I know exactly how you feel, I've been in the same situation. Like someone has already said I took the approach to never mention any previous guys I'd been with, which normally worked as he coped with my past by basically pretended it had never happened. This guy was pretty insecure which was the basis of his jealousy of my past, and it seems like your boyfriend may have the same insecurity issues. Just be really supportive and complimentary, although avoid direct comparisons i.e. you're much bigger/better than him!

But ultimately your boyfriend has to accept you for who you are. You are right, you can't change your past, and if he keeps bringing it up then you will have to tell him that there is nothing you can do to change what happened before you were with him. Your past has made you who you are today, and although he may not like it, he just has to accept it and realise that he loves you for the person you are now.

Reply 3

Louise88

My boyfriend was jealous of a few things that had happened in my past with other men. It's a natural thing to feel, he will get over it eventually so just give him some time. The past is the past, there is nothing you can do to change it and he needs to accept that. What happened between you and other people isn't important, it's what happens between you two as a couple that is important.

Reply 4

Yellowmarshmellow

He kinda has to get over this issue on his own and realise that it's in the past and your not exactly going to cheat on him or leave him etc and that you really like (or love) him. As long as you reassure him that he has no reason to worry everything should be ok and he will get over his jealousy given time.

Reply 5

username30638

13

Melissa85

don't talk or even mention past guys to him

Why? It's his problem, not hers. I know how he feels, but he just has to deal with it. :teeth:

Reply 6

booraad

14

Anonymous

My boyfriend told me yesterday that he is jealous of the fact that I have had past (sexual) experiences with other guys.

It annoys me a little because there's not really much I can do about it, and he'll just have to come to terms with the fact that those guys were in the past and I don't feel anything for them anymore - it's him I feel for.

What can I do to stop him being jealous?

I think it's natural to feel jealous about past partners, but how that's translated into the open can be problematic and hurtful. If you care about eachother I think discussing things openly will help. Jealousy is often a desire for intimacy wrapped up in power games. Your boyfriend is probably scared he'll lose you or that you still have feelings for the men in your past. It sounds melodramatic, but emotions follow their own set of rules. Don't make constant references to your exes, and definitely NEVER compare. Tell him about what he brings to your life that is unique and reassure him that you want the bond you share to strengthen and that if he wants to talk about his worries he can. Be careful not to allow your boyfriend's feelings of jealousy to stop you from having male friends, he won't be able to develop trust in you if you're not 'put to the test'. A funny way of putting it, but trust is very important, and can't exist in a bubble.

Reply 7

Subbacultcha

same sort of thing happened with me - although my bf is the only guy i've slept with, i was more sexually experienced (oral etc) than him when we got together, and the guy i'd done stuff with was a mutual friend, one of my own best mates. He got very jealous of what i'd done and it was obvious that it was getting in the way of things, so in the end i just sat him down and told him exactly what i'd done with this guy, (before, he'd only heard vague things from other people or answers to my questions), and then i explained to him that what had happened with this guy wasnt even comparable to what we had, and that it was in the past, and that i was never going to compare him, etc etc. I think most if the time jealousy like this just stems from insecurity, and the person feeling they'll be compared and wont "measure up" :wink:

.... just be truthful with him, maybe tell him what you've said in your post, that theres nothing you can do, it was in the past, and it upsets you a bit that he's behaving like this...

Reply 8

scribble_girl

14

It's one thing to feel like that if you're 13 and one of you has dated before and the other hasn't...
But everyone's got pasts. Its 100% normal to feel like that, but what exactly can you do about it? He needs to realise that he's the here and now; and if you're telling him that you can't do much else. The older you get, the less likely it'll be that you're someone's 'first' - he just has to realise that having had someone in the past doesn't diminish the love you have for someone in the present.

Reply 9

high priestess fnord

9

dont let his insecurities get you down. try explaining to him that your past experience just makes you value what you have with him even more. if he wasnt better than your ex then you would be with your ex and not with him.

Reply 10

Chumbaniya

17

He'll just have to deal with it. It's pretty unreasonable to get annoyed over your partner having a sexual history. If it makes him uncomfortable it would be good not to mention previous partners unnecessarily, but I wouldn't try to cover up the fact that you've been with other people in the past, that's just silly. As long as you make sure he knows how you feel about him, and that what's in the past will stay in the past, all you can do is let him sort it out himself; in the end it's really his problem.

Reply 11

Anonymous #2

Its the other way around with me.
My bf has been with several girls that he still talks to and has introduced me to. it makes me uncomfortable a bit even thought it shouldnt. We haven't had sex yet which makes me feel even more awkward but i've taken the high road and just accepted that they are just friends now and the fact that he has taken things slower with me shows there is more to the relationship than sex. Hopefully your bf can realise this too and that he shouldn't worry because you are with him for a reason. I can however understand how he feels.

Reply 12

Aplin

2

When I first got with my girlfriend she had been with a lot more people with me and had had a lot of experiences, I was jealous at first, but I thought hard about it. The experiences she has been through in life made her the person she is today, which is the person I love. :smile:

Reply 13

username47781

20

Just tell him you are with him because you want him, that is what he has got to understand.

Reply 14

shinytoy

18

do girls feel jealousy about their partners past or only guys - it seems from this thread its mainly a men thing?

Reply 15

Anonymous #2

read my above post :] i'm a girl

Reply 16

shinytoy

18

yes but your in the vast minority in this thread.

im a girl but when my bf reveals he has had eg 17 ex gfs in his bed, i dont feel jealous. i feel repulsed.

i havent had any sexual experience and im proud. but just wondering, if it will hurt people to know you have had a past, why doesnt everyone lie about it? is it a worse wrong to lie about your past OR to be honest and wilfully hurt them?

Reply 17

Sephrenia

16

Because if you lie about it and they find out they are going to be more hurt. Im not jealous about my bfs past, but I am jealous when he spends time with her. I don't think I would feel jealous about any future bfs pasts, its part of them, its part of the baggage you get when you start a new relationship. 17 is a bit excessive and I owuld be rather wary...but I wouldnt feel jealous about it.

Reply 18

~~hannah~~

4

I think that its just something that people need to deal with. Especially as you get older. It's simply a fact of life that people have their pasts. Yes, you're boyfriend/girlfriend may not like the idea of you having been with other people, but the fact is that you are with them now, so it does not really matter.

I think it only matters to younger men because they sometimes feel a pressure to perform well and think that women compare them with previous people. I think as people get older this becomes less of an issue.

Reply 19

Lindsayy

2

I'm in the same situation, but the other way round.
It's the idea that the person you love so much has felt that way for other people, & you can't help being afraid that you're being compared to someone else.

It will just take time, & it may still bother him sometimes, but that shouldn't annoy you. Imagine if the situation was reversed, though I know that's difficult, you would probably be a bit upset by it.

boyfriend jealous of my past experience with guys

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