Does going on a break work?

Been with my boyfriend for a long time, we split for a week in the past due to me not showing any signs of sexual commitment. I haven't slept with my boyfriend as I have a psychological fear it will hurt (he is above average). He has called our relationship a joke as we haven't had sex, its bad but I felt upset he doesn't respect the other aspects of the relationship. He wants me to see a councillor and says if I haven't got this sorted this week its over, he says I make him feel disgusted with himself and undesirable.

I am finding it stressful trying to do my final year at uni and look for jobs at the same time with the fact I have found someone I want to be with can't wait any longer. I thought about suggesting a break which he suggested in the past though I fear this will give him a reason to sleep around with other girls to fulfil his sex drought - makes me feel sick at the thought. I fear he could meet someone else so this would give him a reason to walk away.

Reply 1

username47781

20

Personally I think your boyfriend is being selfish there, you have sex when your ready not when he is. I think you deserve alot better than him. Going on a break generally doesn't work.

Ditch this idiot and find someone who can give you more respect.

Reply 2

Ema18

1

I can understand your fear if he is above average but if you want to be with him then finding him sexually attractive and making him feel wanted needs to be sorted out. Are you a virgin and is this why your fearful? Seeing a councillor may be a good suggestion if this is not someting you can sort out

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

OP

Ema18

Are you a virgin and is this why your fearful?

Yes

I really hope not all guys are like this :frown:

Reply 4

username47781

20

No not all guys are like that thankfully, but this one makes my blood boil, hes got a nerve to say your relationship is a joke, I mean come on it's not always about sex. As i said if you ain't ready don't do it.

Reply 5

Ema18

1

They aren't chicken, believe me there are some good guys out there! Few and far between though! I agree with what Its my life said, he sounds selfish and you should only be having sex when you are ready and not when he is. If he respects you and cares for you then he'l be prepared to wait!

Reply 6

Ema18

1

A relationship is not all about sex but personally I do feel that it is an important part and I can understand how he may be feeling disgusting and unwanted by you not wanting to have sex with him, but don't let him force you into doing something when your not ready!

Reply 7

naivesincerity

2

If he's so focused on the sex, he can't love you that much, otherwise the sexual thing wouldn't be so important to him

Reply 8

Mithun

1

You deserve better, dump him. It's not worth it if he can't understand your feelings.

Reply 9

Llamaaa

15

I can understand where he's coming from- your reason for not wanting to have sex is due to a part of him, so no wonder he feels undesirable. You need to reassure him that it isn't him personally, and that you are just not ready. That's better than saying, sorry I'm afraid of you, you are just too big. You will probably make him insecure.

Reply 10

FadedJade

15

How long is a long time? If you've given him the impression that you want to but are just afraid, I don't blame him for being upset and you haven't tried to do something about it. When were you planning on doing something about it? Were you planning to at all? I dont think he's being completely selfish, yes he should respect her wishes but if she's given mixed messages ie i want to but im scared and im not going to do anything about it, then i dont think he's the only one in the wrong.

Reply 11

goodmen

13

you say you've been with your boyfriend a long time and that your in the last year of uni. For people sex is an important part of a relationship ( i know it is for me) and at that age your fear does seem irrational.

Maybe its best to move on and maybe you could need help

Reply 12

username47781

20

goodmen

you say you've been with your boyfriend a long time and that your in the last year of uni. For people sex is an important part of a relationship ( i know it is for me) and at that age your fear does seem irrational.

Maybe its best to move on and maybe you could need help

Maybe she's just not ready.

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

OP

-x-Nina-x-

How long is a long time?

2 years, long time I know so he has a right to feel the way he is but his choice of words don't help. I do wish I could try to sort this out.

Reply 14

Helenia

20

There comes a time within an adult relationship where it should feel natural though. Of course, you shouldn't do anything you don't feel comfortable with, but I can understand why he'd be feeling like this after you've been together such a long time, and that people shouldn't just jump in and say "dump him!!!!11".

I think you need to come to terms with your fear and how it's affecting your relationship. Don't assume he'll run off with other girls - he clearly cares about you if he's spent this long with you. But you do need to work this issue out with him.

Reply 15

rosetinted

2

He has called your relationship a joke, wants you to see a counsellor and has given your an ultimatum to shag him by the end of the week. He sounds like a complete jackass to me, you'd be better off without him.

It doesn't sound like he has any respect for you or your concerns. Do you actually want to sleep with him? If he had asked if you two could go to couples counselling together and work through the problem it would be a normal, caring reaction. Telling you to sort yourself out in a week is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. Either he's prepared to help you work through this for as long as it takes, or he should piss off (hopefully the latter).

Reply 16

rawkingpunkster

He should respect your wishes. What a loser, suggesting such stupid stuff.

A break is as good as a clean break.

Reply 17

Anonymous #1

OP

He did say he would come to a councillor with me, I just don't know how you find one. Do you have to get referred by your GP?

Reply 18

Llamaaa

15

Anonymous

He did say he would come to a councillor with me, I just don't know how you find one. Do you have to get referred by your GP?

he seems quite considerate in that way. Maybe he is genuinely concerned about the fear you have and wants to help you through it. He certainly doesn't sound like a jackass as some people are saying. But you really shouldn't make him think that your reason for it is that he is above average. That won't help his self esteem and I wouldn't be surprised if the real reason behind the ultimatum is that he thinks that you don't find him attractive. I think you need to reassure him. Have you done any other activities, to build up to full intercourse? Maybe if you tried with fingers first and built up to it, then you wouldn't feel so scared.

Reply 19

Helenia

20

Further to what I said above, I think his ultimatum (if that's what it was) was poorly worded and insensitive, but that he does have your own interests as well as his at heart. If you can get help to get your fears sorted out, I think you should persevere.

Does going on a break work?

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