finding your real parents

Ok here it is. My boyfriend is adopted, hes has allways known about it and he has a fantastic relationship with his adopted parents but he feels its time to find his genetic parents. Although he is very close to his adoptive parents he doesnt want them to be there for this, he wants me. He hasnt actually taken any action yet but I was wondering if anyone else had any experience of this and what i should expect. I want to be as supportive as i can without getting in the way.

Reply 1

dave

I think it would be wise for him to consider the effect this would have on his adoptive parents, should they find out what he was doing.
It may be an idea for him to broach this subject with them while you were present.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

He is keeping them in the loop and they are very supportive. I think he just wants them to be slightly removed from it so that he can focus on himself rather than worrying about how they feel about it.

Reply 3

wackysparkle

14

i think he just wants someone to be there with him if and when he needs them - its just hard doing something like that alone
so i would imagine that you would just sit there in the meeting, and be there if he needs you

Reply 4

dave

Anonymous

He is keeping them in the loop and they are very supportive. I think he just wants them to be slightly removed from it so that he can focus on himself rather than worrying about how they feel about it.

Does he know why he was given up for adoption by his true parents? And do his true parents want him to find them?

This could really open up a can of bitter-tasting worms, both for your b/f, his adoptive parents, his true parents and yourself

Fimd out as much information as possible before deciding whether contact is a good thing.
Good luck to you both.

Reply 5

L i b

19

Exactly. If his parents have given him up for adoption, they clearly don't particularly want to see him. He should honour that and simply be grateful that they carried him for 9 months.

Reply 6

annamaria

4

Lib North

Exactly. If his parents have given him up for adoption, they clearly don't particularly want to see him. He should honour that and simply be grateful that they carried him for 9 months.

I have to disagree. There are a myriad of reasons why people may be given up for adoption. Personally, my birth mother felt she was unable to raise a child, it hasn't stopped her from getting in contact and wanting to see me. While he may not have heard from his birth parents, it certainly doesn't mean they don't want to see him. There are alot of complicated emotions concerning adoption and it certainly doesn't boil down to "you were given up for adoption because we didn't want you and will never want you".

Reply 7

starless_dark

2

Lib North

Exactly. If his parents have given him up for adoption, they clearly don't particularly want to see him. He should honour that and simply be grateful that they carried him for 9 months.

I too have to strongly disagree, that is a highly misjudged statment. My birth mum gave me up because she was only 18 and a single mum who accidentally got pregnant, and thought it would be better for me to grow up in a 'stable' family unit raised by two parents, and I was adopted at 8 months old. As of yet neither of us have contacted each other, but I know that if I want to, I can try, and even if she doesn't want to be in contact I can understand that because I'm from her past and she might feel guilty about having given me up. She might not even have told anyone I existed. At the moment I'm not bothered about finding her, she has her own life, I'm not part of it and I wouldn't expect her or force her to drop everything to meet the baby girl she gave up 19 years ago.

Reply 8

whatever...

Lib North

Exactly. If his parents have given him up for adoption, they clearly don't particularly want to see him. He should honour that and simply be grateful that they carried him for 9 months

What?!?

starless_dark

I too have to strongly disagree, that is a highly misjudged statment.

I cud have said that!!!!!!

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

OP

dave

Does he know why he was given up for adoption by his true parents? And do his true parents want him to find them?

This could really open up a can of bitter-tasting worms, both for your b/f, his adoptive parents, his true parents and yourself

Fimd out as much information as possible before deciding whether contact is a good thing.
Good luck to you both.

1,No
2,I assume not since he hasnt heard anything from them
3,No idea
4,I know thats why I wanted to know other peoples experiences
5,Its not up to me to decide and I dont think this is something i can advise him on. After all I cant tell him how to feel.

Reply 10

high priestess fnord

9

Lib North

Exactly. If his parents have given him up for adoption, they clearly don't particularly want to see him. He should honour that and simply be grateful that they carried him for 9 months.

thats a horrible and insensitive thing to say. time can change alot of things and even if one or both parents arent interested what about any brothers or sisters etc?

Reply 11

dave

Anonymous

1,No
2,I assume not since he hasnt heard anything from them
3,No idea
4,I know thats why I wanted to know other peoples experiences
5,Its not up to me to decide and I dont think this is something i can advise him on. After all I cant tell him how to feel.

I guess it's natural for him to want to know more about the circumstances surrounding his adoption - of course there could be a myriad of reasons why this was - but the question is, if he discovers that, god forbid, he simply wasn't wanted, is he going to be able to deal with that? And although his adoptive parents are supporting him in his quest - how is it going to effect them deep down?

In certain circumstances - isn't it preferable not to know? Talk it through again with him - find out why he feels the need to know.

I'd be interested to hear your opinion on what he's planning though. Do you think he should go ahead and do this thing?

Reply 12

annamaria

4

dave

And although his adoptive parents are supporting him in his quest - how is it going to effect them deep down?

While it's true that it will most probably affect them, the majority of adoptive parents were told from the beginning that their child will very likely want to find their birth parents. His parents have probably known to some extent that this time could come some way down the line, and will probably cope really well, as long as the communication about what is happening keeps going.

To the OP: I think the important thing is to help him realise that talking his parents through this and letting them know more about his progress and feelings will mean that, whatever eventually happens, there will be far less of an emotional blow. I can understand he wants to do it for himself, and I am not undermining how much you evidently care for him and will be able to help him, but even though he may not realise it, their support will count for so much, and unless he has a real problem with it, they should really be involved. As adoptive parents I am almost 100% sure that they will not burden him with their feelings on the matter.

And I have to say, It is so admirable to see someone who is willing to help him through this. I know from experience that most people run a mile at the mere mention of getting involved in this kind of thing!

finding your real parents

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