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Serious relationship - moving away for uni?
My girlfriend and I have been together for 18 months, and lived together for 9 months of that (though not at the moment due to finances).
We're both hoping to go to Uni in September and whilst I have applied to mostly local Unis and am hoping to go to Sheffield, she applied to local places and also Plymouth.
Now I think our relationship and the distance should be a something she takes into consideration when she's deciding where to go. It's certainly something that I've thought about. And when you think that when we stopped living together and I moved back north (we're now 2.5 hours drive away) she struggled with the relationship because we weren't seeing each other much and said she couldn't just have a relationship on the phone/internet.
I would never ever consider moving that far away from her, and in my mind if she chooses to do that then she is effectively splitting us up, because there is no way either of us will be able to afford the £70 odd ticket prices.
She says if Plymouth turns out to be the best (she's also visiting Nottingham Trent, Salford and Liverpool John Moores) then she can't not go there just for us, which makes me think she doesn't value our relationship as much as I do.
She says the distance won't change things, that we can still see each other once a month, but when we did that before when I moved home she was the one who struggled! We're now seeing each other more than we ever have - she stayed at mine Friday-Sunday then I stayed at hers Tuesday-Thursday this past week and though we've missed this weekend due to University open days I'm going to hers on Thursday til Sunday this week too.
Would you take 'distance from your significant other' as being an important consideration when deciding where to go? Or am I being totally unreasonable in expecting her to do so?
We're both hoping to go to Uni in September and whilst I have applied to mostly local Unis and am hoping to go to Sheffield, she applied to local places and also Plymouth.
Now I think our relationship and the distance should be a something she takes into consideration when she's deciding where to go. It's certainly something that I've thought about. And when you think that when we stopped living together and I moved back north (we're now 2.5 hours drive away) she struggled with the relationship because we weren't seeing each other much and said she couldn't just have a relationship on the phone/internet.
I would never ever consider moving that far away from her, and in my mind if she chooses to do that then she is effectively splitting us up, because there is no way either of us will be able to afford the £70 odd ticket prices.
She says if Plymouth turns out to be the best (she's also visiting Nottingham Trent, Salford and Liverpool John Moores) then she can't not go there just for us, which makes me think she doesn't value our relationship as much as I do.
She says the distance won't change things, that we can still see each other once a month, but when we did that before when I moved home she was the one who struggled! We're now seeing each other more than we ever have - she stayed at mine Friday-Sunday then I stayed at hers Tuesday-Thursday this past week and though we've missed this weekend due to University open days I'm going to hers on Thursday til Sunday this week too.
Would you take 'distance from your significant other' as being an important consideration when deciding where to go? Or am I being totally unreasonable in expecting her to do so?
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Reply 1
I think it's unreasonable to expect your other half to go somewhere they may not really want to. My bf and I are over 200 miles apart for a lot of the time, due to uni, but we manage fine, if it's really a serious relationship, the distance won't be a problem.
Reply 2
The post above is a short explanation of what I truely think in general... but everything must be taken relatively.
Well It is a serious factor, but weirdly Im in the opposite situation because Im already far from my significant other.
Im in a long distance relationship (4000 miles away)...
It is hard, really hard, but we have enough trust and acceptance to make it work.
I think you are making a reasonable benchmark, because from your perspective things will be really different after living together that long if you don't see each other often- But its an expectation that works either way, (I.e Moving to unis further will only affect how much you see each other, while closer ones wont change much)
But you can always see as making this relationship work though this ('this' as in Uni no matter where yous go) as a contributing factor?
"which makes me think she doesn't value our relationship as much as I do."
- 18 months
One thing to consider, that although in a relationship its about the "Us", there is two individual people in that; with individual futures to share in unity. So I guess she wants to go to the best Uni For her future and you should think something along those lines too... Which I see where your problem is.
Is instead of seeing her a weekend or so over a time period, is seeing her for longer periods of time (like on holidays) better? Even if theres a significant gap inbetween? Then that way the money would be easyier to achieve.
"when I moved home she was the one who struggled!"
-Its not surprising, But theres always times in Long distance where one person has to remain significatly stronger (reassurance, and doing random things to show you care).
Long distance is completely posible, and this pat experience of dealing with it could add to the success.
Sorry If I went a bit from the question, and sorry if it didnt help at all but i hope you get something from this post.
Well It is a serious factor, but weirdly Im in the opposite situation because Im already far from my significant other.
Im in a long distance relationship (4000 miles away)...
It is hard, really hard, but we have enough trust and acceptance to make it work.
I think you are making a reasonable benchmark, because from your perspective things will be really different after living together that long if you don't see each other often- But its an expectation that works either way, (I.e Moving to unis further will only affect how much you see each other, while closer ones wont change much)
But you can always see as making this relationship work though this ('this' as in Uni no matter where yous go) as a contributing factor?
"which makes me think she doesn't value our relationship as much as I do."
- 18 months
One thing to consider, that although in a relationship its about the "Us", there is two individual people in that; with individual futures to share in unity. So I guess she wants to go to the best Uni For her future and you should think something along those lines too... Which I see where your problem is.
Is instead of seeing her a weekend or so over a time period, is seeing her for longer periods of time (like on holidays) better? Even if theres a significant gap inbetween? Then that way the money would be easyier to achieve.
"when I moved home she was the one who struggled!"
-Its not surprising, But theres always times in Long distance where one person has to remain significatly stronger (reassurance, and doing random things to show you care).
Long distance is completely posible, and this pat experience of dealing with it could add to the success.
Sorry If I went a bit from the question, and sorry if it didnt help at all but i hope you get something from this post.
Reply 3
Unfortunatly you can't let the fact that you are together decide which university you both go to, you have to go where it is most suitable. But if you love each other then with a bit of work your relationship will survive wherever you both go.
Reply 4
Yep, perfectly possible - I know a couple who have been together for four years, and one does Medicine at Hull and the other Medicine down in Exeter. They only see each other a couple of times a term. I think your girlfriend's attitude is very sensible and mature - you both have to think about what is best for you individually as well as you as a couple.
Reply 5
dont worry, i had this same dilemma with my boyfriend. we have been together 14 months now. i am wanting to go to uni to do physio and i have decided to go away, while he stays at home and gets a full time job. i think ur gf is thinking very sensibly here. i know that i had to think about what I wanted to do otherwise in the future, i would end up blaming my boyf for the things i never did. and i wouldnt want that to break our strong relationship down.
you have to understand that ur gf does value that relationship..or she wouldnt of stayed with you for 18 months. i think she just wants the experience of uni life away from home...dont worry, if you love her and she loves you u will get through it.
maryb x
you have to understand that ur gf does value that relationship..or she wouldnt of stayed with you for 18 months. i think she just wants the experience of uni life away from home...dont worry, if you love her and she loves you u will get through it.
maryb x
Reply 6
Just a quick point; don't you think your relationship would be a lot worse off if she went to a Uni she disliked and didn't offer such good employment prospects etc, and then 3 years down the line, she's had a horrible 3 years, can't find a job, got debts from it all - and realises that she could have had it all if it hadn't been for the relationship?
Surely then she'd end up resenting it and it'd be doomed anyway..
It's not about who 'values the relationship more'... if anything, she's trying to do the sensible thing in that, she knows it'll be hard but she's doing it for the longer term sake of your relationship.
Talk to her, let her reassure you, but don't stiffle her. You can make it work.
Surely then she'd end up resenting it and it'd be doomed anyway..
It's not about who 'values the relationship more'... if anything, she's trying to do the sensible thing in that, she knows it'll be hard but she's doing it for the longer term sake of your relationship.
Talk to her, let her reassure you, but don't stiffle her. You can make it work.
Reply 7
if you book your tickets online several weeks before travelling i doubt they would be £70, and if you got a young person's railcard you should get a third off anyway. I go to loughborough to see my girlfriend from london: and without a young person's railcard and no booking online it is around £50, but if i book online a few weeks early it only costs £14-15. which is nothing.. so if you see your girlfriend once every two weeks, alternating where you go, that's 4 times per term, maybe 5, which means you only have to pay for travel 2 or 3 times. and uni terms are damn short, 10 weeks mostly, after which you have a month off! it's really not that difficult if you are committed.
Reply 8
Why break up over a *potential* problem?
Reply 9
let her go to plymouth. a) its really nice down here, there arent really any other unis when u can just say rite lads/girls lets hit the beach today! b) you, and her, will meet new ppl wherever you go. things cant last forver, just enjoy ur time together but dont influence her choices especially when its something effecting her future and career
Reply 10
8
Just see how it goes.
I'm doing another year of A levels so still living with my parents, but next year i'll be going to a uni neaby. My boyf is at uni this year exactly 100 miles away but I don't want to go there. neither of us drive and both have very little money, so travelling is hard. A four hour £50 train journey, i only see him once a month ish. So i can see where you're coming from. It is hard.
However, he's up for a month in a few weeks, he had a month off at christmas, he finishes in may, and we both have all summer off 'til october. So it isn't really as long as it seems. Plus, when we do see each other it's great. And there's only three more years to go. I do miss him, but it's important to be able to function on your own. you need to have friends and a life outside of your relationship. Uni is a palce to find yourself and grow up, which i think is something i need to do alone. It's entirely your decision, but I persoanlly think it's important to have your own space. Long distance relationships do work.
I'm doing another year of A levels so still living with my parents, but next year i'll be going to a uni neaby. My boyf is at uni this year exactly 100 miles away but I don't want to go there. neither of us drive and both have very little money, so travelling is hard. A four hour £50 train journey, i only see him once a month ish. So i can see where you're coming from. It is hard.
However, he's up for a month in a few weeks, he had a month off at christmas, he finishes in may, and we both have all summer off 'til october. So it isn't really as long as it seems. Plus, when we do see each other it's great. And there's only three more years to go. I do miss him, but it's important to be able to function on your own. you need to have friends and a life outside of your relationship. Uni is a palce to find yourself and grow up, which i think is something i need to do alone. It's entirely your decision, but I persoanlly think it's important to have your own space. Long distance relationships do work.
Reply 11
I would never expect her to go somewhere she disliked or would be unhappy at, I just thought in the general scheme of things when she's weighing up the pros and cons, that distance should be a contributing and possibly deciding factor. Especially when it was her who struggled massively with the significantly smaller distance we have now, and almost ended things a month or so ago.
I was the one campaigning that long distance can work and all that, it was her who didn't want to try it...which is what bothers me I think. If it had been the other way around and it was me with the issue then it wouldn't be so bad because I'd think she'd be fine with it.
I was the one campaigning that long distance can work and all that, it was her who didn't want to try it...which is what bothers me I think. If it had been the other way around and it was me with the issue then it wouldn't be so bad because I'd think she'd be fine with it.
Reply 12
10
I think your girlfriend is doing the right thing. I had the same thing with my now ex. We had a huge argument because he chose a uni close by (we lived in South Wales and he chose Cardiff), and I wanted to get out of Wales completely, and the course I really wanted to do was only offered at a couple of unis, which happened to be quite far! Although our relationship was very important to me and hoped it would last forever, you never know about these things. Your future is a sure thing, whereas your relationship isn't, however much you want it to be. I don't think you should make these important decisions on what other people want. You have to do what YOU want to do. Otherwise you might end up regretting your decisions, or resenting whoever changed your mind.
I understand that you're finding it strange that although she wasn't alright with you having a LDR before, but is now wanting to go to a uni further away. I think that perhaps the reason she feels more comfortable about having a LDR is because it would be HER decision. You moved away before, right? So she was the one left behind, and that is never easy. Maybe she feels like she can cope better because it would be her leaving, and going to uni will prove to be something that will keep her mind off being so far away from you.
Note: We didn't break up over this, or the long distance thing. I went to uni and we had a LDR for a while, but we broke up over different reasons!
I understand that you're finding it strange that although she wasn't alright with you having a LDR before, but is now wanting to go to a uni further away. I think that perhaps the reason she feels more comfortable about having a LDR is because it would be HER decision. You moved away before, right? So she was the one left behind, and that is never easy. Maybe she feels like she can cope better because it would be her leaving, and going to uni will prove to be something that will keep her mind off being so far away from you.
Note: We didn't break up over this, or the long distance thing. I went to uni and we had a LDR for a while, but we broke up over different reasons!
Reply 13
all i will say is this:
my best friend is in a long distance relationship for the last 3 years - her bf is in the US and she is here in england - they are going strong - using phone, IMz and text messaging + webcam
it just takes commitment
ah sheffield huh? --
my best friend is in a long distance relationship for the last 3 years - her bf is in the US and she is here in england - they are going strong - using phone, IMz and text messaging + webcam
it just takes commitment
ah sheffield huh? --
Reply 14
15
Ever considered perhaps your relationship isn't stable enough and you guys are too dependent on each other? Distance makes the heart fonder - or that's how it's supposed to be anyway.
No, she's completely entitled to go to any uni she wants and she's right - she cannot go to a nearer uni just for you. You two are not engaged or married - for all you know your relationship may not work out in the end - and you've both got your own lives to live for now. I'm not cursing your relationship - I'm just saying - you are individuals. And if your relationship is stable and solid, distance is not gonna matter. Besides, you'll see each other at home, right?
My two housemates are engaged and the girl has ended up needing to spend a year in Bolivia while the guy stays in England to carry on studying. The girl's just got here today to visit us for a week at uni and they're still going as strong as ever.
Going to a far-away uni isn't "effectively splitting you up" unless your relationship is not stable enough to last the distance, in which case it's best to find out early and end it anyway. My bf is planning on applying to either our current uni or Cambridge for his Masters - when he graduates I'll still have one more year to go at Notts before I graduate. I've told him to stay near if he can, preferrably at Notts, but hey, if his chances are better elsewhere - if there's the perfect course in Aberdeen or somewhere stupidly far away - I say - go for it. It would be unreasonable for me to expect him to plan his life around me when we're not engaged or married.
No, she's completely entitled to go to any uni she wants and she's right - she cannot go to a nearer uni just for you. You two are not engaged or married - for all you know your relationship may not work out in the end - and you've both got your own lives to live for now. I'm not cursing your relationship - I'm just saying - you are individuals. And if your relationship is stable and solid, distance is not gonna matter. Besides, you'll see each other at home, right?
My two housemates are engaged and the girl has ended up needing to spend a year in Bolivia while the guy stays in England to carry on studying. The girl's just got here today to visit us for a week at uni and they're still going as strong as ever.
Going to a far-away uni isn't "effectively splitting you up" unless your relationship is not stable enough to last the distance, in which case it's best to find out early and end it anyway. My bf is planning on applying to either our current uni or Cambridge for his Masters - when he graduates I'll still have one more year to go at Notts before I graduate. I've told him to stay near if he can, preferrably at Notts, but hey, if his chances are better elsewhere - if there's the perfect course in Aberdeen or somewhere stupidly far away - I say - go for it. It would be unreasonable for me to expect him to plan his life around me when we're not engaged or married.
Reply 15
I live in Toronto Canada, and in September going to LSE for a year. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and by the time September comes around, would have been with him for about 18 months as well. We've talk about this many times and have decided that the distance will not detract from our relationship.
I found this article on Long distance relationships - I think it might help:
http://lifestyle.sympatico.msn.ca/Managing%20Long%20Distance%20Love/Home/ContentPostingLavalife.aspx?isfa=1&newsitemid=88789463-76d6-4d71-a6be-5c75f58ae261&feedname=LAVALIFE&show=False&number=0&showbyline=True&subtitle=&detect=&abc=abc
I found this article on Long distance relationships - I think it might help:
http://lifestyle.sympatico.msn.ca/Managing%20Long%20Distance%20Love/Home/ContentPostingLavalife.aspx?isfa=1&newsitemid=88789463-76d6-4d71-a6be-5c75f58ae261&feedname=LAVALIFE&show=False&number=0&showbyline=True&subtitle=&detect=&abc=abc
Reply 16
So technically we're not engaged, but we were. And I didn't leave by choice either, she chose to go back to college which meant moving in with her Mum where I wasn't allowed to follow and I couldn't afford a place of my own.
I'm not asking her to stay around here just for me. If Plymouth is a lot better in every way than the other places then obviously she has to choose there, but if it's a close call and there's nothing between them other than the distance, I'd like her to consider us.
I thought our relationship was stable enough to survive long distance, I never had any doubts about it before she raised the issue and how it feels like she's being hypocritical. After saying we'd have to end it if we can't see each other more than once a month, now we're both putting more effort in to see each other and getting on better than ever...she wants to undo all that and go back to the situation she hated so much! I'm fine with talking on the phone and emails, but thats not enough for her.
I'm not asking her to stay around here just for me. If Plymouth is a lot better in every way than the other places then obviously she has to choose there, but if it's a close call and there's nothing between them other than the distance, I'd like her to consider us.
I thought our relationship was stable enough to survive long distance, I never had any doubts about it before she raised the issue and how it feels like she's being hypocritical. After saying we'd have to end it if we can't see each other more than once a month, now we're both putting more effort in to see each other and getting on better than ever...she wants to undo all that and go back to the situation she hated so much! I'm fine with talking on the phone and emails, but thats not enough for her.
Reply 17
I don't think you should really see the long distance thing as the end of your relationship, it only becomes a problem if you let it. Me and my girlfriend have been together about the same amount of time, and she has been at University since September, 5 hours away. We see each other like once every 3 weeks (excluding Holidays) and we have stayed together. I suppose it's a real test of your relationship, and ours is so strong it has worked. You have to work at it though, to make it work. Whatever you do, don't give up! It just happens that I'm going to be goin to the same uni anyway in September, so it will be all worth it in the end. And you know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder!!
Reply 18
19
Haven't read the whole thread. You should both go to universities that you want to go to. If your relationship is meant to last, then it will. I expect you love her and that you want to make the effort. My partner lives about 800 miles away. I live in England, he lives in France. We've been together just over 2 years and we see one another about once every 8 weeks at the moment. I considered doing my Masters in France to be nearer him but the courses I looked at there just weren't right for me. If you love your girlfriend you won't pressurise her into doing something that isn't right for her, and frankly, if your relationship ends, I bet it'll be for reasons other than the distance (that's not a personal attack, I'd say that about any LDR!).
Reply 19
Much as I love him, I didn't really take my boyfriend into consideration at all when it came to picking a Uni.. but then the courses I applied for happened to put me at an easy distance whichever I chose (I did choose the furthest away but it was the course I really wanted to do). I would have gone further away if I'd needed to but I'm glad its worked out we can see eachother easily - I think we would have made it work wherever I ended up though.
Your girlfriend has dreams and ambitions of her own aside from your relationship but I'm sure she will be relieved if her preffered choice is closer to you than not, why didn't you chose a uni nearer where she wants to go?
Your girlfriend has dreams and ambitions of her own aside from your relationship but I'm sure she will be relieved if her preffered choice is closer to you than not, why didn't you chose a uni nearer where she wants to go?
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