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How do I tell someone that someone close to me (like a parent) is deceased?

How do I tell someone that someone close to me (like a parent) is deceased? I'm sick of lying about my parents when introducing myself to new people but I don't want to kill the mood. Please help!
Original post by Anonymous
How do I tell someone that someone close to me (like a parent) is deceased? I'm sick of lying about my parents when introducing myself to new people but I don't want to kill the mood. Please help!

It's difficult I generally try to wait till I ve met/spoken to them a few times before I d mention it or if they mention family/parents as part of the conversation I would say something then. To me it's my norm now and so I say that I m at peace with it so makes it less awkward but I don't think unless they ve been through it themselves you can completely remove the awkwardness I m afraid
Reply 2
Original post by Anonymous
How do I tell someone that someone close to me (like a parent) is deceased? I'm sick of lying about my parents when introducing myself to new people but I don't want to kill the mood. Please help!

Why would you mention 'someone close to you' when you are introduced to new people unless they ask about them specifically? The same applies to people in single-parent families or those in care. You have to be clear enough not to encourage further questions (e.g. I don't see my father, my sister died three years ago). Most people would not then continue that line of questioning unless they were going to be positive about it (e.g. how did they die? That is a shame. Were you close to them? etc., etc..). Whether you kill the mood is not really the subject matter but how your phrase it and your tone.
Reply 3
Original post by evantej
Why would you mention 'someone close to you' when you are introduced to new people unless they ask about them specifically? The same applies to people in single-parent families or those in care. You have to be clear enough not to encourage further questions (e.g. I don't see my father, my sister died three years ago). Most people would not then continue that line of questioning unless they were going to be positive about it (e.g. how did they die? That is a shame. Were you close to them? etc., etc..). Whether you kill the mood is not really the subject matter but how your phrase it and your tone.


I just don't think it's appropriate when someone asks "what do your parents do" and then I reply with "my [somebody] died three years ago" I mean I don't think I can physically say that?
Original post by Anonymous
I just don't think it's appropriate when someone asks "what do your parents do" and then I reply with "my [somebody] died three years ago" I mean I don't think I can physically say that?

When I was younger I d answer that question in the past tense and any others like that so it would indirectly in some cases make them realise on their own that I didn't have a Dad in the present tense or they would then ask why I said was instead of is so i would then tell them
Reply 5
Original post by Anonymous
I just don't think it's appropriate when someone asks "what do your parents do" and then I reply with "my [somebody] died three years ago" I mean I don't think I can physically say that?

I do not know how old you are but I am surprised anyone would even ask what your parents do to be honest, especially when first meeting you! You offer enough truth to avoid being vague and then move on (e.g. well my father died three years ago but my mother is a secretory). If you want to be very clear that you do not want to talk about your father then you provide more detail about your mother (e.g. my mother has been a secretory for the headmaster at a primary school for 10 years now). If you had only talked about your mother to be begin with then they might naturally have asked what about your father. Being open and honest about this sort of thing is part of the process of moving on as claireestelle suggested.
Reply 6
I don't have any contact with my dad so if anyone asks me anything about my parents I just respond talking only about my mum- "My mum does xyz" "My mum lives in xyz". I just don't mention my dad.... people tend to get the idea. If someone is just completely oblivious and asks about him specifically I just say "I don't have contact with him" and leave it at that. At that point I tend to just change the subject or turn around to talk to someone else...
I also think you're not likely to get this question often from someone you don't know fairly well. If you do you can probably say something which implies that you only have one parent without actually saying they died, doing this means the other person will probably realise and not ask any more questions but you don't say 'they died' which the other person then finds difficult to respond to. For instance, just talking about one parent in answer to a question. You don't even have to admit if there's a specific question, just say 'oh it's just me and whoever' and that will probably be the end of that. If you're worried about it being awkward just have a question ready to ask them in return to move the conversation on. The awkwardness will come with the person not knowing what to say/whether to move on so if you make that decision and move the conversation on or say something subtley so they don't feel so compelled to respond you should ease the awkwardness.
Unfortunately, questions like "What do your parents do?", do crop up more than people think.

My Dad passed away two years ago when I was 16, and I think that the general assumption at such a young age is that your parents are either seperated, or they are still together. People don't seem to consider the possibility that your parent may have died, because it hasn't happened to them, and it is something that young people shouldn't have to experience. It is a kind of innocent ignorance, I find. I even once had a taxi driver that I had met just 10 minutes prior what my parents do, and it is incredibly awkward to respond to if you allow it to be.

I don't tend to cut people off with "He died." I still find those words hard to process myself. Instead, I tend to just talk in the past tense and hope that people get the idea. It doesn't bother me if people ask further questions - I like to talk about my Dad. I don't like people to feel afraid of talking about him as though he is a distant and sorrowful part of my past. He was the most important part of my life.

I also find it extremely insulting that people suggest that parents being seperated is the same as losing a parent. It really, for so many reasons, is not.

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