Leaving people behind...

Do you think it is necessary to "leave people behind" when you change to a lifestyle you feel better with - but they don't want to join you?

It appears to be a common wisdom that if, for example, you're achieving something your friends aren't so good at (in love, friendships and other goals in life), you should give your best to take them with you; but if they somehow resist, it would be a waste of your own time and efforts to try helping them.

Do you think being "altruistic" might even be harmful, and thus, it is better to leave other people on their own, so that they can figure out how to "succeed" by themselves?

I'm usually a very altruistic person... however I have seen that certain ways of being altruistic (like trying to talk all the time, giving advice, etc.) can be wasteful.

I'm not asking whether I should sever the friendship.
I'm simply asking whether I should abandon my plans on being a psychologist-consultant-like person towards each of my friends :smile:

Reply 1

Saffie

Hmm, we studied altruism psychology (A Level) and I seem to remember coming to the conclusion that it doesn't really exist. People help each other to make themselves feel better, look better, or in the hope they'll be helped further down the line...

Anywho. Leaving people behind is an inevitability and you have to follow your own path. Your friends are in the same boat and will understand. Besides, you can always stay in touch, visit etc?

Reply 2

wackysparkle

well people change sadly - and like Saffie said - you will always have email and phones to keep in contact

but more importantly, have your friends reacted in anyway to this?

Reply 3

Nix!

People change, lives move on. Losing or reduced contact is an inevitability of growing older.

I talk to some friends far less than I used to, partly because I rarely see them anymore but that doesn't mean I value their friendship any less.

To assume that being altruisitc is harmful is assuming that 'progress' is linear; it is not.

Ultimately, we all must travel this world on our own. We are born alone and we will die alone (of course there are exceptions to the rule; twins and death pacts but you get the message). Stop fretting and enjoy the time you have because no two moments will ever be the same.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Thanks

Saffie :smile:

What do you mean altruism "doesn't really exist"?
Isn't what you said actually the definition/notion of altruism itself?

I'm an egoist if I'm happy only about my own achievements and wellbeing, whereas I'm an altruist if I feel good also about other people's achievements and wellbeing (and act accordingly) :smile:

Anyway, I wasn't talking about stopping friendship; I was simply asking whether I should stop always being like a "counselor" to those people who actually don't even try to listen.
I sometimes spend hours on the phone or on an instant messenger trying to discuss and share my experiences, helping them to solve issues, etc. and although some people listen and follow my advice, I noticed that most of them simply "don't care"...

Reply 5

wackysparkle

well I do that with my friends as well - except most of the time they do want to listen to me
but yes, there are some who just couldn't care less, but it makes me feel better that i at least tried to help - if you didn't you would just feel bad - take my word for it - its just one of those things that is inbred into you, to just offer help when needed
You are most certainly not committed to helping them 24/7, especially if it involves taking out time that you need by spending hours and hours on the phone - but as i see it is that you never know whether you have helped or not - coz some people prefer to just act as thought nothing has changed

Reply 6

burningwings

Anonymous

Thanks

Saffie :smile:

It was on Friends! :smile:

Joey said there's no such thing as an altruistic action, because this means you're doing something for someone else without it helping you in any way, when actually good actions are done by people to make them feel good too, eg:donate money to charity=you feel good about helping them, you help out a friend in need=you're glad you could help, you get their thanks, might get a helping hand back in the future.
It's impossible to prove or disprove whether someone does a good deed to make themselves feel good though.

"According to psychological egoism, while people can exhibit altruistic behavior, they cannot have altruistic motivations. Psychological egoists would say that while they might very well spend their lives benefitting others with no material benefit (or a material net loss) to themselves, their most basic motive for doing so is always to further their own interests. For example, it would be alleged that the foundational motive behind a person acting this way is to advance their own psychological well-being ("good feelings"). Critics of this theory often reject it on the grounds that it is non-falsifiable; in other words, it is impossible to prove or disprove because immaterial gains such as a "good feelings" cannot be measured or proven to exist in all people performing altruistic acts. Psychological egoism has also been accused of using circular logic: "If a person willingly performs an act, that means he derives personal enjoyment from it; therefore, people only perform acts that give them personal enjoyment". This statement is circular because its conclusion is identical to its hypothesis (it assumes that people only perform acts that give them personal enjoyment, and concludes that people only perform acts that give them personal enjoyment)." from wikipedia just cos i thought it was interesting.

Anyway, it is possibly necessary to leave ppl behind, as when I went to University I had alot of friends who were against it and would rather I'd have continued to street drink, get a low wage job and have fun with them for the rest of my life, I said I'd still keep in touch, and they've now severed contact with me and bitch about me because I go to Uni, and so must be boring... :rolleyes:

So in cases like that, it's best to, as it was sooo annoying and time consuming making all the effort to try keep as good friends, and it wasn't worth it, as their opinion changed so dramatically when I moved away