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I got myself into a stupid situation with a male friend
Hello all,
I'll try to explain this as simply as possible.
Basically I met this guy about three weeks ago. We've spent A LOT of time together as we were working on a project and also because we get along very well and have enjoyed each other's company. About a week ago he told me he likes me and went to the extent of telling me he has actual feelings for me. According to him he's never bothered pursuing relationships with anyone before because he's never truly liked anyone beyond it being a crush.
I don't feel the same way about him. But, as a result of spending so much time together I got comfortable with him, and unintentionally flirtatious. It started off with play-fighting and tickling etc., and then a couple of nights ago he was in my room with me alone (this was after telling me he liked me a few days before which I tried to dismiss) watching a film when we started cuddling and ended up with his shirt off, 'dry humping' (I hate that turn of phrase) and fell asleep next to each other in my bed. I really don't know why I did it, I don't find him attractive and I feel so guilty because he has genuine feelings for me and this has given him the impression that they are reciprocated. I had no intention of leading him on... my flatmate thinks it was down to sexual frustration (very possible!)
Today I plucked up the courage to tell him I don't see him in that way. I know I should have told him as soon as he admitted his feelings for me but I felt too guilty and didn't want to hurt him as I genuinely appreciate his friendship. When he told me he liked me I just said 'I'm sorry but I don't do relationships' which he accepted. Anyway he told me he thinks I like him but that I'm just scared of getting into a relationship with him. I tried to explain to him again that it's because I only see him as a friend; I'm not sure whether it was denial on his part or genuine belief but he still didn't believe me. I can see why, given my behaviour. I think he's hoping I'll come to terms with my feelings and enter into a relationship with him. I need to convince him that this isn't going to happen without hurting his feelings or ruining our friendship. I apologised profusely for my flirtatious behaviour but he said I didn't need to, and that whilst he was upset, he wasn't angry with me. I thought this was very mature of him.
Sorry this was really really long but I'm so confused right now and I need your advice! Thanks guys!
I'll try to explain this as simply as possible.
Basically I met this guy about three weeks ago. We've spent A LOT of time together as we were working on a project and also because we get along very well and have enjoyed each other's company. About a week ago he told me he likes me and went to the extent of telling me he has actual feelings for me. According to him he's never bothered pursuing relationships with anyone before because he's never truly liked anyone beyond it being a crush.
I don't feel the same way about him. But, as a result of spending so much time together I got comfortable with him, and unintentionally flirtatious. It started off with play-fighting and tickling etc., and then a couple of nights ago he was in my room with me alone (this was after telling me he liked me a few days before which I tried to dismiss) watching a film when we started cuddling and ended up with his shirt off, 'dry humping' (I hate that turn of phrase) and fell asleep next to each other in my bed. I really don't know why I did it, I don't find him attractive and I feel so guilty because he has genuine feelings for me and this has given him the impression that they are reciprocated. I had no intention of leading him on... my flatmate thinks it was down to sexual frustration (very possible!)
Today I plucked up the courage to tell him I don't see him in that way. I know I should have told him as soon as he admitted his feelings for me but I felt too guilty and didn't want to hurt him as I genuinely appreciate his friendship. When he told me he liked me I just said 'I'm sorry but I don't do relationships' which he accepted. Anyway he told me he thinks I like him but that I'm just scared of getting into a relationship with him. I tried to explain to him again that it's because I only see him as a friend; I'm not sure whether it was denial on his part or genuine belief but he still didn't believe me. I can see why, given my behaviour. I think he's hoping I'll come to terms with my feelings and enter into a relationship with him. I need to convince him that this isn't going to happen without hurting his feelings or ruining our friendship. I apologised profusely for my flirtatious behaviour but he said I didn't need to, and that whilst he was upset, he wasn't angry with me. I thought this was very mature of him.
Sorry this was really really long but I'm so confused right now and I need your advice! Thanks guys!
Scroll to see replies
Reply 1
Well you sort of led him on, in a big way and then hurt his feelings by telling him that. You've done what you could though and he'll have to go through the heartbreak. Not much you can do I'm afraid.
Reply 2
You're right, I really feel awful. Do you reckon there's anything I can do to pick up the pieces?
Reply 3
Sorry, I just read your post again 'Not much you can do I'm afraid'. Oh well. 
I'm still trying to figure out why I did what I did the other night though, it's extremely out of character for me and I'm not attracted to him... Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
I'm still trying to figure out why I did what I did the other night though, it's extremely out of character for me and I'm not attracted to him... Has anyone else been in a similar situation?Reply 4
Are you not physically attracted to him at all?
Reply 5
If you aren't, I don't see why you would dry hump him and sleep next to him (to be crude.) I think you are.. slightly, because you wouldn't do that if you were. You just wouldnt.
Reply 6
Well sometimes I look at him and think he's quite cute, but that's not often. And I think it's mainly because I've never really had a relationship before (out of personal choice mind!) and so my hormones are all over the place. He's just not my type and I'm not interested in him in that way. The thing the other night just felt nice and right... not because of him. If I had the choice, it would've been with someone else. I feel awful saying that, but it's true.
Reply 7
Anonymous
Well sometimes I look at him and think he's quite cute, but that's not often. And I think it's mainly because I've never really had a relationship before (out of personal choice mind!) and so my hormones are all over the place. He's just not my type and I'm not interested in him in that way. The thing the other night just felt nice and right... not because of him. If I had the choice, it would've been with someone else. I feel awful saying that, but it's true.
Well what can I say.. He's going to go through a big heartbreak if he liked you alot! and there's nothing you can do to comfort him really. You could try the whole 'lets be friends' thing but I don't think he'll be over the moon with that. The thing is after that night he probably thought 'She likes me, yay' and then you just hit him with that so it'll be quite painful for him. I went through the same thing myself.
Reply 8
Why
Well what can I say.. He's going to go through a big heartbreak if he liked you alot! and there's nothing you can do to comfort him really. You could try the whole 'lets be friends' thing but I don't think he'll be over the moon with that. The thing is after that night he probably thought 'She likes me, yay' and then you just hit him with that so it'll be quite painful for him. I went through the same thing myself.
Well when we spoke about it today he kept telling me that he genuinely does like me... like in the past he's thought he liked a girl but realised it was just a crush, and with me apparently he feels differently. I was sceptical at first, and actually told him several times that I didn't believe he truly liked me but he denied that and seemed pretty genuine in what he was saying and. He said the way he feels about me isn't something he's going to get over overnight. He hasn't known me for that long though so surely it can't be that bad? He did say though that he'll always be there for me, like next year because we're going to be working together on something which he helped me with and I'm probably going to need him. He's actually a really decent guy which makes me feel even worse.
Reply 9
Anonymous
Well when we spoke about it today he kept telling me that he genuinely does like me... like in the past he's thought he liked a girl but realised it was just a crush, and with me apparently he feels differently. I was sceptical at first, and actually told him several times that I didn't believe he truly liked me but he denied that and seemed pretty genuine in what he was saying and. He said the way he feels about me isn't something he's going to get over overnight. He hasn't known me for that long though so surely it can't be that bad? He did say though that he'll always be there for me, like next year because we're going to be working together on something which he helped me with and I'm probably going to need him. He's actually a really decent guy which makes me feel even worse.
The longer it is, the worse I think. I remember after this happened to me I stopped going to to uni for 2 weeks and sat at home listening to soppy break up songs and not sleeping
Reply 10
Why
The longer it is, the worse I think. I remember after this happened to me I stopped going to to uni for 2 weeks and sat at home listening to soppy break up songs and not sleeping
It must've been horrible. I'm glad I haven't known him for that long, I'm sure it won't take him long to move on. I just feel bad because according to him I'm the first person he's genuinely liked and wanted a relationship with. I really do get myself into the most stupid situations sometimes and I don't deserve his understanding at all! However he did say that even if I hadn't done what I did he'd still have liked me, I guess he just wouldn't have been led to believe I liked him back.
Reply 11
Anonymous
It must've been horrible. I'm glad I haven't known him for that long, I'm sure it won't take him long to move on. I just feel bad because according to him I'm the first person he's genuinely liked and wanted a relationship with. I really do get myself into the most stupid situations sometimes and I don't deserve his understanding at all! However he did say that even if I hadn't done what I did he'd still have liked me, I guess he just wouldn't have been led to believe I liked him back.
It must've been horrible. I'm glad I haven't known him for that long, I'm sure it won't take him long to move on. I just feel bad because according to him I'm the first person he's genuinely liked and wanted a relationship with. I really do get myself into the most stupid situations sometimes and I don't deserve his understanding at all! However he did say that even if I hadn't done what I did he'd still have liked me, I guess he just wouldn't have been led to believe I liked him back.
He liked you before but during the dry humping episode he was probably under the illusion that you liked him back
Reply 12
for his sake i hope he gets over you, you led him on played him around then told him you didnt like him.
Poor git
Poor git
Reply 13
12
Just tell him firmly and let him get on with things. Obviously since you thought it was just chilling, there isn't much you could've done. But from his point of view, he's just been ****ed over.
Reply 14
I think that was quite mean what you did to him, you knew he'd had a heartbreak yet you still used him like that.
Reply 15
Why
If you aren't, I don't see why you would dry hump him and sleep next to him (to be crude.) I think you are.. slightly, because you wouldn't do that if you were. You just wouldnt.
I definitely agree with that. If I don't fancy someone, that idea is pretty repulsive. ;yucky; Sexual frustration wouldn't change anything, trust me I'd know
Anyway, you led him on pretty bad. Not sure what you can do except take this as a learning experience to have some empathy in future.
Reply 16
9
You know you shouldnt have done it after he confessed his feelings for you.
I've done it a few times, as in thought it was a bit of fun with guy and a couple of weeks later they're confessing their feelings for me. I'd never intentionally screw someone over if i knew they liked me
Just give him space, the more time you spend together the more hes going to like you. When you meet up do so in a casual way with other people, not just you and him watching a film in your room
I've done it a few times, as in thought it was a bit of fun with guy and a couple of weeks later they're confessing their feelings for me. I'd never intentionally screw someone over if i knew they liked me
Just give him space, the more time you spend together the more hes going to like you. When you meet up do so in a casual way with other people, not just you and him watching a film in your room
Reply 17
Ok, lets have a little perspective. They've only known each other three weeks, so it's hardly going to be a massive heartbreaker for him, it's not like he's in love with her.
I suggest you just say, 'I'm sorry, I just don't see you like that, and I'm certain that that won't change, I am sorry about the other night, I didn't mean to lead you on, I hope we can continue to be as good friends as we are, if you you need a bit of space for a while, then I'll understand'.
Just be certain that you don't like him, this sort of thing has happened to me before then a month or so later I realise I like him and he's already moved on, don't make that mistake, you will kick yourself.
I suggest you just say, 'I'm sorry, I just don't see you like that, and I'm certain that that won't change, I am sorry about the other night, I didn't mean to lead you on, I hope we can continue to be as good friends as we are, if you you need a bit of space for a while, then I'll understand'.
Just be certain that you don't like him, this sort of thing has happened to me before then a month or so later I realise I like him and he's already moved on, don't make that mistake, you will kick yourself.
Reply 18
I am in the exact same situation. But I led him on worse than you have, belive me.
He will accept what you say, but just give it some time, are you dating anyone at the moment? That might give him the hint?
Anyway. to be short, time heals all wounds, if you're that close you will probally stay friends, so nothing to worry about. TO me it sounds like you might be worried of loosing the security that he's gunna be there waiting in the wings incase you need someone to cuddle up to.
He will accept what you say, but just give it some time, are you dating anyone at the moment? That might give him the hint?
Anyway. to be short, time heals all wounds, if you're that close you will probally stay friends, so nothing to worry about. TO me it sounds like you might be worried of loosing the security that he's gunna be there waiting in the wings incase you need someone to cuddle up to.
Reply 19
Just because you kissed and dry humped doesn't mean that you explicitly told him you wanted a relationship though?
Yeh it might have lead him on a little bit but these things happen. For some people that first snog might have gone the other way and made them fancy the other person... Just think of it as try before you buy
(joke!)
I agree, with that person there /\ -you've only known each other for three weeks! Chill out!
Yeh it might have lead him on a little bit but these things happen. For some people that first snog might have gone the other way and made them fancy the other person... Just think of it as try before you buy
(joke!)I agree, with that person there /\ -you've only known each other for three weeks! Chill out!
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