Tell my ex about new girl?

My first girlfriend and I broke up last July, and Itook a long time to get over because we had been so close. I think because she was my first, it took me that much longer. I had met her through a big group of my friends who had been to college with her, so I still saw her now and again, and we never stopped being friends, even though it made getting over her that much more difficult. She's not around at the moment because she's on a gap year, touring various bits of India and generally having a great time.

I came to uni and now have a new girlfriend who is really incredible. Things are much more measured this time, instead of the crazy rush and emotional whirlwind of last time, I think because of the simple fact that she's not my first girlfriend. Just to make sure of my feelings, I asked to take the relationship slowly, and give me time before I started telling people. I now know that this is definitely something I want to continue, and my new girlfriend is someone I want to be able to tell people about.

OK, to the point now. (Sorry for rambling!) Should I tell my ex about the new girl? I just don't like the idea of someone who was so close to me, and with whom I'm still reasonable good friends with, finding out on the grapevine or through facebook or something. I've drafted out an email to her, but not sent it yet, because I don't want to make it seem like I'm rubbing in the fact that I've moved or anything (although I think she moved on, faster than I did anyway).

Reply 1

Snowfall

I really wouldn't tell her if I were you. If she's still not over you, I'm sure it will come across like you're rubbing it in her face. Don't make a big deal out of it by e-mailing her. If it comes up in conversation, or she asks you about it, fair enough tell her then. I don't think there's a need to tell her especially.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Tell her, you have nothing to lose since you have mentioned she is a friend. Who knows she may be in a relationship as well and probably also finding it hard to tell you....

Reply 3

username47781

NO need to tell her, just enjoy what you have got now.

Reply 4

Dragon24

She's not your girlfriend anymore, telling her is like rubbing it in or asking for trouble as she may try and split you up - talking from experience.

Reply 5

etherised

On the contrary, I say you should definitely tell her - at least, if you want to stay friends with her you should. It's not very nice to find out that everyone has known before you that your ex has a new girlfriend.

But this advice is dependent on your really being still friends with her already - otherwise, as Snowfall says, it will just come across as rubbing it in her face. I mean, if you're not in contact with her anyway while she's travelling, then don't email her specially to tell her. But if you have been in contact, I would think one line in an email saying, 'Oh by the way, I thought you ought to know...' would be a good idea - and maybe reiterate that you really do want to stay friends with her.

Reply 6

sjuthani

We have been in contact since she's been away, mainly facebook messages and short emails, although its been sporadic mainly because she can't always get to a computer.

Reply 7

Sezkin

I don't think it's a good idea to tell her unless she ask you about relationships..etc It'll just seem like you're rubbing it in her face and she'll obviously still have some feelings for you.

My ex did it by text and I thought it was selfish of him because I didn't want to know, secondly we were good friend and he knew I had some feelings for him but I was trying to move on. Plus when I found out, I was abit jealous, thinking ' what does she have that makes her better than me...etc'. I was abit of a wreck haha. I would just leave it unless she asks.

Reply 8

sjuthani

OK, a consensus is appearing. Thanks for that.

I think I'm that much more confused because just after I started uni, she did ask me, "Have you found a girl there yet?", and made me promise that she'd be the first to meet my future wife! Obviously joking there, but it sounds like she did want to know, and just hasn't had to opportunity to ask because of being away?

Reply 9

Dragon24

Be careful as your new girlfriend may feel out of place as you and your ex may still have that 'special bond'. You seem too concerned about your ex's feelings - she is just a friend now.

Reply 10

fairycakes

no i wouldn't tell her. when me and my ex broke up, i used to ask him all the time if he had a new gf, doesn't necessarily mean that i want to really know. when he did get a new gf, i got told my some1 else. even tho i thought i was over him, it hurt sooo much. i was kinda glad that some1 else told me becuase then it gave me timoe to compose myself before seeing him.
xx

Reply 11

ChemistBoy

Why bother?

Reply 12

Drogue

Sam: Obviously it's a personal decision, but I would. Not as a matter of telling her, as in making contact with her just to tell her, but if I considered her a friend, I'd mention it. Both because I wouldn't want to keep it from a friend, and because, as you say, it'd be worse if she heard it through the grapevine. I know it's different with me and Gemma, being that we're still relatively close friends, but there was never any thought of her not knowing.

Do you see your ex when you're home? If you don't see her there's nothing wrong in not telling her. I wouldn't make contact just to tell her, as it would seem a bit weird. But taking to her normally and not mentioning it might seem like keeping it from her, which isn't the basis (IMHO) for any friendship.

Reply 13

Chocolate AssCream

Simple in my opinion.

If the breakup was amicable, and you two remained friends and talk regularly, just casually drop it into conversation. If you care about her feelings, and it seems that you do, telling her yourself would be better.
Make it casual, don't make a big deal (I wouldn't email or text just to tell her, it would seem like an announcement).

If you two aren't really close, don't bother. Nothing to be gained either way.

Also, if you tell her in person, observe her reaction.