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    IT HAD BEEN A week since Gail and her family moved into the three story house in Kristabelle Cove, and she stood on the first floor sorting the mail – the first mail delivery since moving – into piles. She was spreading the letters onto the steps of the hallway staircase, the bottom step was stacked with junk welcoming them to the neighbourhood. The step above was from friends and family saying how much they missed them already.
    Gail had to stop herself short from putting a painted silver envelope on the junk pile. It was addressed to her.

    'Dear Ms Gail Birch,'

    It was beautifully hand written and Gail couldn’t help but wonder if it was what she thought it was … but it couldn’t be.
    But it was, Gail realised, when she opened and read the letter.

    'We thank you for your application to Coval Glass and are happy to inform you that you’ve been accepted for an interview on Tuesday 4th, September. 4pm.'

    “Yes!” Gail jumped up out of her feet. She couldn’t believe it, she’d actually been accepted – well, for an interview – into the Coval Glass society. Gail and her old friends used to hear stories about the elite group of teenagers ever since they were young, and now she had a chance to become a part of the group herself!
    The letter had been short and sweet, and signed by … wait. Now, that couldn’t be right.

    'I look forward to meeting you in person,

    The leader of the society had written this!
    “My life is complete,” Gail said aloud. If zombies took over the world tomorrow, I’d die happy … and probably be eaten. Because zombies! But that didn’t matter because Fawn Gilbert, the goddess of icy coolness, knew who she was.
    Gail couldn’t help but let out a squeal.
    “Ouch, ear drums.” Gail turned to see her brother, Carl, with his hands covering his ears. “Overreacting, I think so, very much.”
    Gail shrugged at him and began screaming again, kicking the hard floor with her toes.
    “Fawn Gilbert knows who I am!” She bragged, flapping the letter in the air.
    “Tell someone who gives a-”
    “Language!” Gail cut him off, trying to keep a straight face but she was too excited for that and burst into a roar of laughter, “she knows me, Carl!”
    “I get it, you’re in love with her,” he rolled his eyes, “How does she know you?”
    Gail held out the letter with a smug grin. “Read it and weep, sucker.”
    His eyes widened and he snatched it from her, reading and re-reading it he looked drenched in shock. His mouth dropped to the floor and he seriously looked like he was going to faint.
    He composed himself and handed it back. “It was probably written by someone else,” he sighed. “You know; it was just made to look like she wrote it.” Even though he was the one who said it he also looked like he was the last one who was going to believe it.
    “So jealous.” Gail teased.
    Carls lips parted then closed, and after a long moment he said. “Am not.”
    He pushed past her and pounded up the stairs.
    “Hey!” Gail shouted after him as he had caused the piles of letters to topple over.

    See, it's pretty good language-wise, and it IS engaging. However, in all honesty it reads like a fanfiction or something rather than a writing assignment. First of all, don't use words like junk, that are derogatory. When reading out something or giving a list, use a colon prior to it. Avoid words like short and sweet when referencing an authoritative figure- try to be as RESPECTFUL as possible. The zombie bit does bring in humour, but I question its actual relevance. The best thing to do would be adding a few more literary devices such as metaphors, alliteration, etc. instead of solely relying on dialogue and witty narration. Oh, and the part where she wonders if it was what she thought, but it couldn't be, but it was, is very indecisive and not at all clear, so do revise that. Honestly, you deserve the marks, but it needs polishing to get a top grade. Right now it's about a 7/10
    • Thread Starter

    Thank you for the advice, I'll use it.

    Glad to help!
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