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Confused about my ex.
This November my ex and I broke up after being together for about 18 months. When we broke up I was still very much in love with him and totally devastated that he'd finished it. To this day I still don't entirely understand his motives. He said that he could see himself getting serious with me but didn't want that to happen because I'd never had a proper boyfriend before (he's a bit older than I am.) Also, things were not as good as they used to be, and we were in a long distance relationship, which always puts a strain on things. I'm also not sure about how he felt about breaking up. At first he said that he wasn't sure if he loved me or not, but lately he's been saying that yes, he did still love me when we broke up and that it was really tough for him.
I've said that I was absolutely devastated when we broke up, well I felt even worse after finding out that he'd found another girlfriend only a few weeks after. I know we'd broken up, but I still felt so hurt by this. He said he still cared for me, but I really don't understand how he could move on so quickly if he did still have feelings. Am I being unreasonable? I mean, if I broke up with someone and still cared for them I'd wait a while before moving on, to give us both time to heal.
When I first found out about this, I have to admit I reacted quite badly. I would call him, and send him e-mails telling him I still had feelings for him, wondering how he could do this (I know, I know totally the wrong thing to do- I was immature I admit it.) Eventually I stopped. I didn't call anymore or send any e-mails, I even ceased thinking about him, as much. Recently he's gotten back in touch, saying that he broke up with his girlfriend. He says the main reason they broke up was because he did have feelings for me and that their relationship could never match up to ours. After that we've begun talking more often, about general, friends type things. We've also arranged to meet up soon, and petty as this sounds he's begun adding kisses after his name, something he never did before.
Now I'm confused as to what to do. I've told him I'm not ready to be friends, because I'm not. I still feel hurt and for some reason betrayed by what he did to me. I also feel like if we just become friends, then he's 'gotten away' with dumping me, and hurting me and has had his little fling and now thinks it's fine, things can just be ok with us both without having caused him any trouble at all. I dunno, I guess I feel like I've been hurt so much but he hasn't at all. But I also can't bear the thought of him not being in my life. I do still have feelings for him and still like him, and love him I guess.
So should I let him into my life again, meet up, be friends and forgive him? I think we both have feelings for each other, so there's also the possibility of getting back together (our circumstances will be different in that we'll be living in the same place next year) or me getting hurt again if he finds a new girlfriend. Or should I keep doing what I was doing, try and cut him out of my life as much as I can, even though I hate not speaking to him but might save me some more pain.
Gah I'm so confused! Why did he have to get into that pointless relationship, would have saved a lot of hassle, not to mention pain!?
Sorry this is so long, thanks to anyone who manages to get through it. Any advice is welcome.
I've said that I was absolutely devastated when we broke up, well I felt even worse after finding out that he'd found another girlfriend only a few weeks after. I know we'd broken up, but I still felt so hurt by this. He said he still cared for me, but I really don't understand how he could move on so quickly if he did still have feelings. Am I being unreasonable? I mean, if I broke up with someone and still cared for them I'd wait a while before moving on, to give us both time to heal.
When I first found out about this, I have to admit I reacted quite badly. I would call him, and send him e-mails telling him I still had feelings for him, wondering how he could do this (I know, I know totally the wrong thing to do- I was immature I admit it.) Eventually I stopped. I didn't call anymore or send any e-mails, I even ceased thinking about him, as much. Recently he's gotten back in touch, saying that he broke up with his girlfriend. He says the main reason they broke up was because he did have feelings for me and that their relationship could never match up to ours. After that we've begun talking more often, about general, friends type things. We've also arranged to meet up soon, and petty as this sounds he's begun adding kisses after his name, something he never did before.
Now I'm confused as to what to do. I've told him I'm not ready to be friends, because I'm not. I still feel hurt and for some reason betrayed by what he did to me. I also feel like if we just become friends, then he's 'gotten away' with dumping me, and hurting me and has had his little fling and now thinks it's fine, things can just be ok with us both without having caused him any trouble at all. I dunno, I guess I feel like I've been hurt so much but he hasn't at all. But I also can't bear the thought of him not being in my life. I do still have feelings for him and still like him, and love him I guess.
So should I let him into my life again, meet up, be friends and forgive him? I think we both have feelings for each other, so there's also the possibility of getting back together (our circumstances will be different in that we'll be living in the same place next year) or me getting hurt again if he finds a new girlfriend. Or should I keep doing what I was doing, try and cut him out of my life as much as I can, even though I hate not speaking to him but might save me some more pain.
Gah I'm so confused! Why did he have to get into that pointless relationship, would have saved a lot of hassle, not to mention pain!?
Sorry this is so long, thanks to anyone who manages to get through it. Any advice is welcome.
Reply 1
Sounds like he just broke up to have guilt-free sex (you think so too, it seems.)
Clearly you care very much for this guy, and I doubt what anyone here says will change your mind. But at some point you should consider whether he will dump you again when something else captures his interest.
Best of luck.
Clearly you care very much for this guy, and I doubt what anyone here says will change your mind. But at some point you should consider whether he will dump you again when something else captures his interest.
Best of luck.
Reply 2
Well he did meet her after we broke up. But I'm not going to defend him. I've posted this to get an objective view on the situation so there must be a reason he's come accross like that!
Reply 3
It seems like he wanted to play the field but got bored after a while so I guess thats why he has come crawling back to you, but how long will it be before he decides to want to play the field a bit again?
Reply 4
Chocolate AssCream
Sounds like he just broke up to have guilt-free sex (you think so too, it seems.)
Clearly you care very much for this guy, and I doubt what anyone here says will change your mind. But at some point you should consider whether he will dump you again when something else captures his interest.
Best of luck.
Clearly you care very much for this guy, and I doubt what anyone here says will change your mind. But at some point you should consider whether he will dump you again when something else captures his interest.
Best of luck.
agree it does appear to be the case , i cant argue with you on that..
Reply 5
It's my life
It seems like he wanted to play the field but got bored after a while so I guess thats why he has come crawling back to you, but how long will it be before he decides to want to play the field a bit again?
I didn't say I was definitely going to get back together with him, but reading your replies has made me think twice.
You're right I think deep down I knew anyway. He's not going to be a part of my life, or if he is then only as a friend. I'm not stupid enough to put myself through this again.
Reply 6
Anonymous
I didn't say I was definitely going to get back together with him, but reading your replies has made me think twice.
You're right I think deep down I knew anyway. He's not going to be a part of my life, or if he is then only as a friend. I'm not stupid enough to put myself through this again.
You're right I think deep down I knew anyway. He's not going to be a part of my life, or if he is then only as a friend. I'm not stupid enough to put myself through this again.
Never said you was going to take him back, It seems he's bored and or rather tried to worm his way back into your bed if you know what I mean, until the next time.
Reply 7
I think it might be something like that, I dunno he's not that mean but yeah I don't want to get hurt again. Well not by him at least!
Reply 8
He can't just come and go whenever he wants...If you take him back this time he'll probably take you for granted like, oh it all good she'll take me back I know she loves me,. know what I'm saying?
Reply 9
I'm in a strangely similar situation except I'm a guy.. and the girl involved realised her mistake and I have kind of taken her back.. it feels quite bad like the trust has gone to an extent and I dont feel secure loving her to the same extent as before as it petrifies me that this could happen again. I can see the relationship ending in the future (by me) as i couldnt stand being broken up with for someone else (possibly even the same person) again.
Reply 10
15
I understand the paranoia with break up thing cus just tonight I poured my heart out about this same paranoia I've been feeling for half a year to my bf. Completely different situation though - I still don't get why my bf broke up with me but I know he did it cus he thought it was best for me... so whether I get it or not, he did do it because he loved me. In the end, we got back together. And to this day, I still get sad and paranoid about it sometimes - and he's given me no reason whatsoever to be paranoid. I talked to him about it tonight and I KNOW he loves me - there's no doubt about it. Nonetheless, I still get a bit scared sometimes.
Point is, this guy of yours kinda broke up with you so he could have a little fling, which is totally unlike my bf's reasons for breaking up. And if I find it hard to totally get this paranoia out of my system, even though trust has built up immensely since we got back together, do you really think you can trust him again, given why he broke up with you? If you can't trust him - then there's no point in getting back together cus it'll only cause you more heartache and confusion and it'll all break down.
I asked myself this question whenever I got paranoid about being with my bf: What reasons has he given for me to break up with him? None. So stay.
Perhaps you should ask yourself: What reasons has he given for you to trust him/be with him again?
Go through the logic. If it's best for you that you stay away from this guy, then stay away. Don't go back to that heartache. I'll probably ask him questions about the other girl before even considering getting back with him. In the end, do what you think is best for you.
And hey, as for the pain - my friend sees things like this: Everything that has happened in the past HAD to happen the way it did, when it did, to make you the person that you are today.
Point is, this guy of yours kinda broke up with you so he could have a little fling, which is totally unlike my bf's reasons for breaking up. And if I find it hard to totally get this paranoia out of my system, even though trust has built up immensely since we got back together, do you really think you can trust him again, given why he broke up with you? If you can't trust him - then there's no point in getting back together cus it'll only cause you more heartache and confusion and it'll all break down.
I asked myself this question whenever I got paranoid about being with my bf: What reasons has he given for me to break up with him? None. So stay.
Perhaps you should ask yourself: What reasons has he given for you to trust him/be with him again?
Go through the logic. If it's best for you that you stay away from this guy, then stay away. Don't go back to that heartache. I'll probably ask him questions about the other girl before even considering getting back with him. In the end, do what you think is best for you.
And hey, as for the pain - my friend sees things like this: Everything that has happened in the past HAD to happen the way it did, when it did, to make you the person that you are today.
Reply 11
Aw thanks for that. I'd just like to clear things up though. He didn't break up with me to have a fling with that girl. He didn't even know her at that pont. I have a theory about it all. We were going through a weird patch at that time, and I think he kinda felt he needed to break up with me before I broke up with him, and going out with that other girl so soon afterwards was a way making him feel that it was the right thing to do. Does that make sense/ Sound plausible?
Nonetheless, I'm still not sure it changes anything he was inconsiderate and selfish throughout the whole thing.
Nonetheless, I'm still not sure it changes anything he was inconsiderate and selfish throughout the whole thing.
Reply 12
12
Well, if he didn't break up with you for her, I think you need to understand why he broke up with you in the first place. Because until you get that, you can't really tell if he will screw you over again sometime in the future.
If it seems like he will just screw you over again, I would avoid him altogether, because it is far too easy to get drawn into a relationship with a friend for whom you have strong feelings
Best of Luck
If it seems like he will just screw you over again, I would avoid him altogether, because it is far too easy to get drawn into a relationship with a friend for whom you have strong feelings
Best of Luck
Reply 13
Your right I think I need to be sure about his motives before letting him back into my life. And also find out what the hell he was doing with that girl so soon after we broke up! I'm in another country right now but will be back home in about a week. So do you think it's ok to sned an email? Or should I wait until I get back?
Reply 14
Are you sure you could be friends with him? I only ask because I met up with an ex a while ago (slightly different as I broke up with him (not for another guy)) and the whole friends thing didnt work, as we still really love each other, so its too painful. I've had to just walk away completely, even though its really painful him not being in my life. Still not really sure what Im going to do long term!
I really hope you do work as friends, but if you dont, please dont hurt yourself by trying to be friends for ages, IMHO it would be better to get back together (if thats what you really want) or just break contact at least for a while.
Hope it works out
I really hope you do work as friends, but if you dont, please dont hurt yourself by trying to be friends for ages, IMHO it would be better to get back together (if thats what you really want) or just break contact at least for a while.
Hope it works out
Reply 15
poppet1989
Are you sure you could be friends with him? I only ask because I met up with an ex a while ago (slightly different as I broke up with him (not for another guy)) and the whole friends thing didnt work, as we still really love each other, so its too painful. I've had to just walk away completely, even though its really painful him not being in my life. Still not really sure what Im going to do long term!
I really hope you do work as friends, but if you dont, please dont hurt yourself by trying to be friends for ages, IMHO it would be better to get back together (if thats what you really want) or just break contact at least for a while.
Hope it works out
I really hope you do work as friends, but if you dont, please dont hurt yourself by trying to be friends for ages, IMHO it would be better to get back together (if thats what you really want) or just break contact at least for a while.
Hope it works out
Totally agree, I've managed to stay friends with one ex but on the whole it's just way too hard, no matter who broke up with who. I admire you if you can do it, but these days I don't even bother to try and stay friends with an ex!
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