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What is wrong with me? watch

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    Ever since I was little I've never really been 'normal.' I used to have serious separation anxiety as a child, and I'd throw horrendous temper tantrums, beyond the normal tantrum that a child would throw. However, at senior school, growing up I was generally very happy, popular and had a great bunch of friends at school. However, I've always suffered from hypochondria and have had counselling and hypnotherapy for it, which kind of worked, but I still do suffer. I have a huge phobia of illness/sick people, and it causes me to have panic attacks if someone becomes ill around me. I also get panic attacks when receiving news or results. Going to the doctors for results, exam results, being called out of a lesson.

    Those things weren't there all the time and didn't really affect my every day life. I was perfectly happy, and up until recently I can't remember ever really feeling depressed for a significant period of time. Certain things have caused me to feel worthless, like boys using/messing me about, which led me to harm myself at times, which you probably wouldn't expect from me. This was about 2/3 years ago when I was 16 and really started to move from a kid to an adult.

    I also met my (now ex) boyfriend when I was 16 just before starting sixth form, and we ended up having major jealousy issues, I don't know what caused these, it was just as much him as it was me, and I don't think he has any mental health issues but he received counselling as a child for his parent's divorce which affected him quite badly. Anyway, the issues caused him to split up with me. This is the first time in my life that I actually felt like I couldn't cope. I remember feeling like I didn't actually know what to do with myself. I went to school and cried all day, ended up leaving at lunch and collapsing on the floor, it was absolutely pathetic. It really shouldn't have affected me that badly. This is when the feelings of 'depression' started kicking in. My personality completely changed. I'd snap at everything, my family said they felt like they were constantly walking on eggshells around me. I would even snap at my friends. Couldn't concentrate at school. I think this is because my ex was leading me on and messing me about, for months. And I was too weak to walk away, but I eventually did and that was literally the time of my life. I just worked on myself so much and became such a happier person.

    However, I've now just started uni and I can't cope. I really can't. I cry every single day I just want to leave. I hate my course and I don't know what to do. I feel like I can just about get by and be okay with every day life, but it takes the smallest thing to spiral me into a bottomless pit of unhappiness. And I know there are solutions to my problems but I feel like my anxiety stops me from being proactive and seeing someone. I may be leaving uni at least for a year to sort my mental health out and decide which degree I want to actually do and where, or if I want a job/ apprenticeship ( I change my mind so much ) but I'm too scared to see my tutor. Too scared to see someone about my mental health. I got taken advantage of by this boy which has made things a million times worse and I'm too scared to even get an std test. I literally just sit in my room crying about everything. It's like I physically can't bring myself to do anything, even if I drop something, I feel like it's a physical and mental challenge to pick it up. I really don't know what to do. Thank you if you read all of this. I just want to know if anyone has advice, I can barely bring myself to eat. I don't know if anyone even has any advice or if this is just a rant to get this off my chest, but thanks anyway.
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    I'm not sure what to say except for stay away from boys for awhile. why did you choose your course if you hate it or didn't you know at first. I hope you get better and when people are feeling down they tend to eat too much or not eat at all.
 
 
 
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