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long term relationship struggle. He's being nasty
Hi everyone! In advance im sorry for the tangent.Im just venting!
I've been with my bf for 3years in september and its been fantastic up until last october. He has always been generous and loving but lately this has changed.
So this all started with my body insecurities, like many girls!My bf looked at porn and i begin to think silly things like i wish my body/face/hair was like theirs, because i thought that was what he wanted. Stupidly because of this i started to diet and hated him looking at my body because i felt it wasn't perfect and he would think i was disgusting. I know this shouldn't happen after being together so long! Anyway i told him how i felt and he hated that he'd made me feel this way so promised not to do it again. He did though, numerous times on which i found out and the insecurities began again. it was like a vicious circle!It got to the stage where he was lying to me if i asked about it. After finding this out i felt terrible for lots of reasons. Firstly the lieing. I am someone who cant deal with lying. It stems from family problems of which he had been through with me and seen the affects it had had upon me. Secondly i just couldn't understand why someone who supposedly loved me so much would continue to want to make me cry. If it were me and i had hurt somebody i would stop without a doubt.
i know to lots of people the idea of bf's and porn is quite contraversial so im sorry if you view me as jealous and petty.
Since these incidents its just gone downhill.We argue constantly i cry he has cried and i hate it. But hes also started being quite nasty (name calling, just general horrible snide comments). I find this awful as usually he is just so nice. He blames me for everything, no arguement is ever both of our faults, its mine. He never wants to sort things out there and then and when i try to communicate and ask how he is feeling and what he thinks he says "i don't know" all the time.
He is my first proper bf and im his first too.I love him more than anything and he says he loves me too but i just feel so drained with the arguing and upset. And especially with so much school work.He works on a farm so doesn't have that extra worry!
i dont know whether im with him still because im too scared/weak because iv never had to let anyone go before.Is it worth holding on for it to work or am i just chasing a hope that will never come?Or am i being a complete idiot myself! Please help!xx
I've been with my bf for 3years in september and its been fantastic up until last october. He has always been generous and loving but lately this has changed.
So this all started with my body insecurities, like many girls!My bf looked at porn and i begin to think silly things like i wish my body/face/hair was like theirs, because i thought that was what he wanted. Stupidly because of this i started to diet and hated him looking at my body because i felt it wasn't perfect and he would think i was disgusting. I know this shouldn't happen after being together so long! Anyway i told him how i felt and he hated that he'd made me feel this way so promised not to do it again. He did though, numerous times on which i found out and the insecurities began again. it was like a vicious circle!It got to the stage where he was lying to me if i asked about it. After finding this out i felt terrible for lots of reasons. Firstly the lieing. I am someone who cant deal with lying. It stems from family problems of which he had been through with me and seen the affects it had had upon me. Secondly i just couldn't understand why someone who supposedly loved me so much would continue to want to make me cry. If it were me and i had hurt somebody i would stop without a doubt.
i know to lots of people the idea of bf's and porn is quite contraversial so im sorry if you view me as jealous and petty.
Since these incidents its just gone downhill.We argue constantly i cry he has cried and i hate it. But hes also started being quite nasty (name calling, just general horrible snide comments). I find this awful as usually he is just so nice. He blames me for everything, no arguement is ever both of our faults, its mine. He never wants to sort things out there and then and when i try to communicate and ask how he is feeling and what he thinks he says "i don't know" all the time.
He is my first proper bf and im his first too.I love him more than anything and he says he loves me too but i just feel so drained with the arguing and upset. And especially with so much school work.He works on a farm so doesn't have that extra worry!
i dont know whether im with him still because im too scared/weak because iv never had to let anyone go before.Is it worth holding on for it to work or am i just chasing a hope that will never come?Or am i being a complete idiot myself! Please help!xx
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You and your boyfriend really need to talk in like a proper civalised manner and get to the bottom of what is causing all these arguments, clearly you both need to make some changes.
I know we need to talk but when we try to it just entails me talking and asking him question and him not having a reaction/reply to anything.grrr! does anyone else have any advice?
Hi OP. This sounds exactly like what happened with my ex. I wish I could give some advice, but we didn't get through it. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone - I know how it feels! 
First of all, your boyfriend did nothing wrong by looking at porn, it's a completely natural thing that most men (and some women) do. It isn't cheating, it doesn't mean that he wants you to look like them, it's just something to watch. Nothing more, nothing less. I doubt that he did it to hurt you, far from it. Yes he lied to you about it but he was quite clearly trying to protect you and to be fair, it wasn't something that you should have asked him not to do, he can do what he likes when he is in the privacy of his own home. I just wonder how you know he did it, did you by any chance invade his privacy?
Your post was all about you and how you felt, how did he feel? Do you even know? Do you know how difficult it is watching someone that you love put themselves down over every little thing? Do you know how heartbreaking that is? Probably not. I don't meant to sound horrible but you were probably too wrapped up in your own feelings to even consider his. You were too busy worrying about the fact that he had lied about something as trivial as porn, you were too busy worrying about how you could be "better" that you forgot how difficult this situation was for him. I'll tell you something, it was no picnic for him either. When you have to put up with someones insecurities day in and day out, you lose your temper no matter how much you love them. You can see what a great person they are, you can see how beautiful they are but no matter how much you say it, they throw it back in your face and every time they do it, it completely breaks your heart.
No doubt about it, this is where all the problems began. I don't know how you found out about the porn but when things like this happen, the girlfriend tends to be snooping. I know it's not a nice thing, believe me i've been through the exact same thing but you can fix things. You two need to sit down and talk things through properly, talk about what happened in the past, what is happening now and where you want the relationship to go. If things carry on the way they do then you two will break up. I know it's unfair of him to blame you for all the arguments but if all the arguments started when the problem of porn came into the relationship, I can see where he is coming from but that doesn't make him right.
To me, it sounds like you two need to grow up. He needs to realise that when something goes wrong he can't act like a child and start calling people names, it's pathetic. You need to learn that porn isn't a bad thing, the porn isn't the problem, it's your own insecurities that caused the problems and together you can work it out, only if you two talk to each other. Your relationship isn't over yet, keep trying. If things don't work then it's time to move on.
I know i've been really harsh and very horrible but this involves your boyfriend too and you were too busy talking about how you felt and what he was doing, what about what you were doing and how he felt? Surely that is important too? I didn't do it to offend you, I didn't do it to be nasty, I just wanted you to realise that he has feelings too and he would have been hurting the same as you. You had to see it from a different perspective and i'm sorry if it upsets you in anyway, thats not what I intended to do. Believe it or not, I understand how you feel completely and I wish you the best of luck but what I said to you, someone else said to me and it did me the world of good. Don't give up, you two can get through this.
Your post was all about you and how you felt, how did he feel? Do you even know? Do you know how difficult it is watching someone that you love put themselves down over every little thing? Do you know how heartbreaking that is? Probably not. I don't meant to sound horrible but you were probably too wrapped up in your own feelings to even consider his. You were too busy worrying about the fact that he had lied about something as trivial as porn, you were too busy worrying about how you could be "better" that you forgot how difficult this situation was for him. I'll tell you something, it was no picnic for him either. When you have to put up with someones insecurities day in and day out, you lose your temper no matter how much you love them. You can see what a great person they are, you can see how beautiful they are but no matter how much you say it, they throw it back in your face and every time they do it, it completely breaks your heart.
No doubt about it, this is where all the problems began. I don't know how you found out about the porn but when things like this happen, the girlfriend tends to be snooping. I know it's not a nice thing, believe me i've been through the exact same thing but you can fix things. You two need to sit down and talk things through properly, talk about what happened in the past, what is happening now and where you want the relationship to go. If things carry on the way they do then you two will break up. I know it's unfair of him to blame you for all the arguments but if all the arguments started when the problem of porn came into the relationship, I can see where he is coming from but that doesn't make him right.
To me, it sounds like you two need to grow up. He needs to realise that when something goes wrong he can't act like a child and start calling people names, it's pathetic. You need to learn that porn isn't a bad thing, the porn isn't the problem, it's your own insecurities that caused the problems and together you can work it out, only if you two talk to each other. Your relationship isn't over yet, keep trying. If things don't work then it's time to move on.
I know i've been really harsh and very horrible but this involves your boyfriend too and you were too busy talking about how you felt and what he was doing, what about what you were doing and how he felt? Surely that is important too? I didn't do it to offend you, I didn't do it to be nasty, I just wanted you to realise that he has feelings too and he would have been hurting the same as you. You had to see it from a different perspective and i'm sorry if it upsets you in anyway, thats not what I intended to do. Believe it or not, I understand how you feel completely and I wish you the best of luck but what I said to you, someone else said to me and it did me the world of good. Don't give up, you two can get through this.
Obviously that isn't the case but it's true, it's nothing to worry or be upset about. It's something that they need to overcome on their own, they are the ones that have to work on their on insecurites so that it stops being such a problem. Of course that is easier said than done but once you deal with your own problems, porn will become less of one.
My ex looked at porn and I got very insecure but I dealt with those insecurities and now I couldn't care less if any of my boyfriends watched porn. I thought it was a problem but it's not, it doesn't have to be, it's only a problem if you let it be one. It's not easy to get over it but people can do it, thats the point.
My ex looked at porn and I got very insecure but I dealt with those insecurities and now I couldn't care less if any of my boyfriends watched porn. I thought it was a problem but it's not, it doesn't have to be, it's only a problem if you let it be one. It's not easy to get over it but people can do it, thats the point.
I think it was unfair of you to assume i was eliminating his feelings. I explained i had tried talkling and asking him what he thought/felt about the situation and i got nowhere. How can i possibly try to make it better when our relationship seems one-sided. And it was not an invasion of privacy at all i understand how important privacy is.
I never said it was, I only asked.
All I said was that your post was very one sided, about your feelings. I was just asking if you had considered how difficult it must have been for him too. As horrible as it has been for you, he will be finding it difficult aswell, therefore the sooner you sort things out the better.
You did explain that you tried talking to him and you got nowhere but if you give up then your relationship will carry on the way it is going. If he isn't willing to talk about it and help you get over your insecurities, is it even worth saving the relationship?
Edit: I am sorry for my post, it was unfair but the thing is, it just infuriates me to see another relationship go down the drain over porn. There is no need for it, it's something that can be fixed but still you see this happening to couples everywhere.
All I said was that your post was very one sided, about your feelings. I was just asking if you had considered how difficult it must have been for him too. As horrible as it has been for you, he will be finding it difficult aswell, therefore the sooner you sort things out the better.
You did explain that you tried talking to him and you got nowhere but if you give up then your relationship will carry on the way it is going. If he isn't willing to talk about it and help you get over your insecurities, is it even worth saving the relationship?
Edit: I am sorry for my post, it was unfair but the thing is, it just infuriates me to see another relationship go down the drain over porn. There is no need for it, it's something that can be fixed but still you see this happening to couples everywhere.
Sorry i am agreeing with Louise88 on this one, what she says makes sense and i would consider what she is saying.
Thank you.
I wasn't trying to be rude or assume things about you, I have to call it how I see it, thats the risk you take when you ask for advice on a forum. All I could see was how you were feeling and asked if you knew how upsetting it is for your boyfriend.
I do wish you the best of luck though, it would be terrible if your relationship ended over something like this. I nearly lost mine over this, thats why I feel so strongly about it. Your relationship can be fixed and I hope your boyfriend comes round and helps you through it.
I wasn't trying to be rude or assume things about you, I have to call it how I see it, thats the risk you take when you ask for advice on a forum. All I could see was how you were feeling and asked if you knew how upsetting it is for your boyfriend.
I do wish you the best of luck though, it would be terrible if your relationship ended over something like this. I nearly lost mine over this, thats why I feel so strongly about it. Your relationship can be fixed and I hope your boyfriend comes round and helps you through it.
Louise88
Your post was all about you and how you felt, how did he feel? Do you even know?
Your post was all about you and how you felt, how did he feel? Do you even know?
Anonymous
he hated that he'd made me feel this way...when i try to communicate and ask how he is feeling and what he thinks he says "i don't know" all the time.
The OP is trying to find out how her boyfriend feels. Of course her post was about how she feels, that's what she knows about best
If her boyfriend won't tell her how he feels, she's not psychic! She is trying to sort it out by attempting to communicate with him, but if he won't reciprocate then there's only so much she can do, and I say well done to her for trying 
It's horrible being insecure because you know you're upsetting yourself and the people who care about you, and I think it's good that she's pinpointed the problem in the relationship.As most of the advice so far has stated, communication now will save your relationship, and if he's not willing to try then it really doesn't look so hopeful
Im sorry. Its just difficult hearing it so bluntly!But i do appreciate it and i dont want you to think im just brushing off your advice. So thankyou.Its nice to know that at one point you had the same stance as me regaurding insecurities and all it took some good advice to make it all better. so thanks again
i wish i was psychic it would be alot easier!
I don't have time to find the bit that made me say that, i'm going out in a few minutes. I just read it as, yes she had talked to him about the situation but not about how it made him feel. She has now stated that she has and i've said sorry for being so harsh, what else is there to do?
Yes of course it is about her but in saying that, you have to ask how the boyfriend feels about the situation too. You only get her side of the story, you don't hear his side and his feelings therefore I called it as I saw it, I asked if she knew what it was doing to him and explained how it did infact feel. Communication is exactly what the relationship needs and good on her for trying to speak to her boyfriend the thing is, if she needs to sort it out she has to keep trying. If her boyfriend doesn't come round then I don't see the problem being fixed.
I don't see it as you brushing me off, I wouldn't blame you if you did. I am very straight to the point and people don't take well to it but thats how I am, I say it how it is so it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I do hope things work out for you though.
Yes of course it is about her but in saying that, you have to ask how the boyfriend feels about the situation too. You only get her side of the story, you don't hear his side and his feelings therefore I called it as I saw it, I asked if she knew what it was doing to him and explained how it did infact feel. Communication is exactly what the relationship needs and good on her for trying to speak to her boyfriend the thing is, if she needs to sort it out she has to keep trying. If her boyfriend doesn't come round then I don't see the problem being fixed.
I don't see it as you brushing me off, I wouldn't blame you if you did. I am very straight to the point and people don't take well to it but thats how I am, I say it how it is so it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I do hope things work out for you though.
Anonymous
i wish i was psychic it would be alot easier!
Don't we all!
Thankyou lots Bunthulhu! i will keep trying.Its just really upsetting after so long together if it ended this way.
i will keep trying.Its just really upsetting after so long together if it ended this way.Question. Does he realise how close you are to breaking up with him? Maybe if he realised you were serious about ending it, it would hit home for him and he would shape up.
Well the other nite i said that i thought we should end it.It was so difficult as it would be for anyone. But he said that he knew i wouldn't. Anyway we decided to keep trying. Does this mean he doesn't take anything i say seriously?
TakingBackJaney<3
Question. Does he realise how close you are to breaking up with him? Maybe if he realised you were serious about ending it, it would hit home for him and he would shape up.
I agree, don't make it an ultimatum (sp??) but just say that you two need to talk about things and both of you need to open up to resolve this otherwise things will continue going downhill. I think Louise88's post may be helpfull too as it's coming from experience (although the louise88's origional post did seem a little jaded by this no offence meant)- but just remember that these are still 2 different relationships just in a similar situatuation.
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