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Leaving sixth form and starting uni with mental health issues (TW) watch

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    Hi, so I suffered with "issues" since I was in year 7. However, since about year 11 things got serious. I got a counsellor at school but they just focused on the fact that I was gay(F). However, I had great teachers who started helping out in year 9, so have always been there. One of them Is C, another is T, another is A. After year 11 T stopped helping me as I just didn't speak to him. In year 12 I had a serious mental breakdown where I was constantly in a state of dissociation and I can't really remember much however C and A and also G really helped me through it. Then in year 13 I resat year 12 where I was so ill I ended up getting mainly Us except in one subject which I carried on. Going into year 13 I had a new HOS so I had to explain everything to him and H had left. A got suspended and everything felt like it was going awful however I did have a lot of good parts and managed to keep my head above water and I the hos was quite supportive.I got through the year (just) and passed most subjects.
    This year I have just sent off my UCAS app and am planning on doing philosophy (this was a big trigger for me however I enjoy it). A is back but I can't speak to him, although Ti is here and so Is I. This first term has been extremely difficult for me however and I haven't been able to attend all my lessons. I keep dissociating and I'm worried that this year is going to end up like my first. I'm worried I wont be able to get into uni as I have never really got the best grades in A-level. I'm also terrified of leaving all these people who have supported me behind especially A and C as they are basically parental figures to me.
    Death is really scary for me, I'm worried about getting old and dying. I'm struggling to see the point and I don't know how I'm going to move on. I am restarting therapy in a few weeks but I don't see how this is going to make a difference as my main fear is death and you can never get away from it and I went to see avenue Q on friday and it mentions how everything is only for now and that scares me becuase I struggle to appreciate the now. Sorry if this doesn't make any sense, I just want to see if anyone feels the same.
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    You are a beautiful flower that hasn't yet had it's time to blossom - don't cut the root off before the petals start to grow. You are doing so incredibly well. A lot of people struggle to get out of bed in the morning, yet you constantly try, every single day, despite everything that's thrown your way. It's so admirable. It takes a lifetime to find your voice and your purpose. Maybe your purpose isn't directly going to benefit you. However, it will benefit others. You're going to be the change the world wants to see. You've already proved this in your mere 18 (almost 19 years), of life.
    In terms of UCAS and your belief of not getting a place - one of your subjects will get you in alone, to your first 2 choices no less! Just remember your deadlines and keep to it as much as possible. Your PS is flawless. If you don't get an offer, well, everyone else it screwed tbh.
    Remember, above all: it's okay to put yourself first. You need to take care of yourself. You are your number one priority. At the end of the day, the only person you have is yourself. With all your time you spend caring for others, sometimes you just need a warm bath, watch your favourite show and snuggle in your jammies. You're the only person that you're always around, so it's useful to be nice to yourself really. Saying no isn't always a bad thing too!

    I am so proud of you, as are many others. You got this.

    'If you give up now, what were you even fighting for?'

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    sorry to hijack your post like this, you just needed to know.
 
 
 
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