So I have known my male best friend- we'll call him P- for a couple of years now, but we've become particularly close over the past six months. Prior to this- about 18 months ago- I developed a huge (ongoing) crush on him that has deepened and turned into stronger feelings over time. 18 months ago, I was in a very bad place emotionally so was too shy/depressed/anxious to actually ask P out. However, I got a mutual friend of ours- we'll call him N- to see if P had any stronger-than-friendship feels for me. N discovered that P was in fact considering asking me out. However, this never happened, and N later found out that P had, for whatever reason, changed his mind.Anyway, after this incident 18 months ago P and I got way closer, and are now at the best-friends point. I understand him a lot better, and have discovered he has a massive fear of relationships because of his parents' messy divorce when he was a kid. Before the summer holidays at uni, we had settled into a comfortable friendship despite my lingering feelings for him. I suspected he may have more-than-friend feels for me still because a) he was so willing to open up to me which he never does to anyone and b) if we were hanging out in a group he would only ever really focus his attention on me, but I kinda let it go.Then the summer happened. In an attempt to get over P I decided to start dating again, which led to a brief but pretty disastrous relationship. This relationship happened in August and the breakup in September, and up to that point I'd heard from P sporadically but not hugely. (P and I live a very long drive away from each other so didn't see each other over summer- all contact was via text.)The breakup was pretty public and obvious, and after that I was most definitely in the "well, I won't be doing THAT again for a while" mindset. Then, a week after the breakup, P decided to make a reappearance. He is notorious for never, ever texting people, in both the context of replying to things or initiating conversation, but suddenly he was texting me EVERY SINGLE DAY. Even though we're now in the same town again due to uni, he still texts me every day, and I'm not talking brief "how are you" texts- I'm talking freaking ESSAYS, and like 10 of them in one go. The record was 20 incredibly long messages from him all at once. Now we're back at uni, we're seeing each other a lot and people seem to be picking up a certain vibe- three separate people have asked me if we're dating after seeing us together because, and I quote, "he looks at you as if he's harbouring some repressed love or something".I am just so confused. For all intents and purposes, we are a couple- we spend a large portion of our time together, and tell each other everything. However, pre-this summer he repeatedly denied he saw me as more than a friend to various mutual friends. I know he struggles with the idea of relationships because of his past, and I know he's incredibly reserved and shy meaning even if he had changed his mind (again) he would never say so. But this is just confusing me so much and playing on my mind! Does it sound like he has feelings for me? If so, what do I do? HELP!
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In a weird non-relationship with my male best friend- help! watch
- Thread Starter
- 21-10-2015 23:17
- 22-10-2015 11:56
I'd say just leave it and move on
- 22-10-2015 14:57
You know what's really irritating?
That you don't just f*cking ask him.
Ask him, how am I or how is anybody else going to know him well enough to say, "Oh yeah, he definitely has feelings for you"?
First of all, you sound really hopeful that he's into you, that's why you're writing things like "but he's notorious for never replying to texts, but he texts me loads of messages all the time" and "when we're in a group, he focuses his attention on me", "people say he looks at me like he's repressing love", to try and make us say "Oh yeah he likes you". Truth is, none of this is a realistic indication that he's into you, because you've only gathered your information about him from what others say or from what you've experienced about him thus far.
Honey, why are you relying on other people to give you the answer when nobody here knows him better than you? You accept he's got insecurity issues, and is haunted by his parents breaking up. Truth is, if he wants to be in a relationship with you, he's got to gain some self-confidence, and he might pluck up the courage to date you. If a guy really wants to date a girl, they normally just do it, regardless of previous turmoil or feelings.
Stop being a silly girl and skulking in corners trying to work out whether somebody likes you or not, don't leave it all to him, just turn around and say you like him a lot, and you wondered whether he felt similarly or not.
If he says yes, then work on it, you'll get the answer you want.
If he says no, then either 2 things will happen, it'll either be really awkward for a while or possibly forever and you'll drift and just accept it, or you'll feel crap for a bit and then become friends again.
You say this "N" person was used to find out whether he liked you, if he's already considered asking you out, shouldn't this be reason enough that he likes you or has liked you at some point?
I also want to mention that if you do go into a relationship with this boy you run the risk of destroying your initial friendship because if you do break up, it can be very difficult sometimes to rekindle a friendship, it requires a lot of maturity and a tough skin to do it, I'm not saying you don't have it, but if you date him and then break up, you'll need that if you want to be friends again.
I realise this is slowly becoming more than two things but, whatever.
You need to actually spend more time together in person and not distanced, like texting all the time is a poor indication of whether somebody likes you or not unless they're just plain outwardly saying "Let's f*ck".
If you're already doing that, good, keep doing it, because you'll learn more about him as a person than the personality you read about over a screen, that's how you bond.
I think the final thing I want to say is that I had a crush on a bloke for 2 years and I analysed everything he did or said far too much. At the end of college I plucked up the courage to ask him whether he liked me or not and after 2 whole years of thinking, "Oh my god he's staring at me", "Oh my god he blew me a kiss at the end of the bus journey, was that a joke, no, none of his mates were around, he might have flirted there", "he always looks into my eyes when we talk", "my friends have seen him stare at me", you know what he said at the end of those 2 years when I asked him if he had ever liked me?
"I'm gay, Lydia".
(My name's Lydia, by the way).
And I was shocked, because he'd slept with girls, he'd been out with loads of women and he was a bit of a bad boy, drugs and stuff and just generally what women get attracted to, the sense of "unavailability" about him and he was really charismatic. But he was gay and I would never expected it because he just wasn't camp. Alright?
So analysing this boy's behaviour too much, might delude yourself. I'm not saying you're deluded, I'm just saying, try not to think so much about it, which I know you can't do until you've got your answer but seriously, if there was one thing I had learned, it was not to over-analyse blokes. Because the answer could turn out to be something totally opposite.
So other than this, I would just ask him yourself, you've not got a lot to lose if I'm honest, if its yes, its yes, if its no, its no, and you can move on and go about other stuff.
Just grow a pair and do it, because he might never come round, and you want your answer now, so just take the leap like I did. I eventually laughed when I got my answer.
- 22-10-2015 14:58
That wall of text hurts my brian
- 22-10-2015 15:02